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Rex Morgan, M.D., 9/4/20

“Get lost, kid; can’tcha see I’m working? Go huff glue or something.”

Judge Parker, 9/4/20

Producer Ellen knows the score. Don’t confront a hysterical narcissist who has the attention span of a gnat. Just spool out empathetic-sounding noises until she loses track and falls into incoherent screaming.

Kevin and Kell, 9/4/20

Net neutrality is a policy that regulates Internet Service Providers (ISPs) as common carriers. ISPs generally hate net neutrality, because it doesn’t let them prioritize, meter, block, or differentially price different types or volumes of traffic. So Kevin is acting against his own interests here — maybe he’s a customer-service-driven altruist? We’ll see what happens when a couple basement-dwelling teenagers choke his routers with game and porn downloads from The Pirate Bay.

Or maybe haha he’s a rabbit and doesn’t want to be a tortoise.

Mother Goose and Grimm, 9/4/20

Ol’ Grimm is on remarkably good terms with his parasites.

For Better or For Worse, 9/4/20

Long-time readers will remember when For Better or For Worse was a BIG DEAL here at The Comics Curmudgeon. I remain impressed at the author’s gall in promising “new-runs” that would blend legacy strips into new material to create a “Michael and Meredith nostaligize” narrative, only to drop that pretense the instant editors fell for the scam, offering instead flat-out reruns for the next thirteen years.

One of the strip’s unresolved puzzles was how insufferable Michael and vapid Elizabeth could Do No Wrong (even in the choice of the execrable Anthony as her spouse), while relatably human younger daughter April could never catch a goddamn break. Here, in recap, we see the exact moment April was ostracized. It appears that Les Moore may not actually be the biggest asshole in comics!

— Uncle Lumpy

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Kevin and Kell, 4/9/20

Welp, it turns out that I started reading Kevin and Kell, a strip about horny furries who kill and eat each other, more than a year ago, but then almost immediately lost interest in it. But rest assured, gentle readers, I am always going to let you know when a comic strip that I have to assume appears in a certain number of family newspapers features gaily skipping animals festooning a maypole with long strings made up of the viscera of (I think we have to assume) sapient squirrels.

Funky Winkerbean, 4/9/20

I think she’s probably more incredulous about you trying to put the moves on your friend’s widow just a few weeks after he killed himself by driving off a cliff! I think it’s a pretty safe bet! I’m pretty incredulous about it myself!

Mary Worth, 4/9/20

I mean … do you have to tell him? You definitely haven’t told Hugo about Jared! Why do you feel like you have to start telling your various boyfriends the truth about things now?

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Mary Worth, 8/18/19

Ah, this Hugo, he is as slippery as an eel’s nest, n’est-il? Dawn tries to set her hook, but he plays it koi and won’t rise to the bait. Net net, she’s in the tank for him but he’s all, “No tanks!” She shouldn’t carp, though – she’s getting his sole attention, so at least he’s not a grouper. And it’s not like anything better is coming down the pike.

Fin.

Kevin and Kell, 8/18/19

Fannie Firefly says cousin Freddie sold their entire family to an insectivore couple for dinner. Freddie admits he took the money but claims he directed Fenton and Lindesfarne to a swarm of bees instead. How will Slylock prove Freddie is lying?

˙ʞɹɐp ǝɥʇ uᴉ ʍolƃ llᴉʍ sʇɹɐɟ s,ǝldnoɔ ǝɥʇ—sʇɥƃᴉl ǝɥʇ ɟɟo uɹnʇ llᴉʍ ʞɔolʎlS :ɹǝʍsu∀

Mutts, 8/18/19

POP QUIZ

What is the lowest form of humor?

1. Fish Puns
2. Fart Jokes
3. When Mutts finally delivers a solid punchline and promptly steps all over it.

— Uncle Lumpy