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Hi and Lois, 12/7/13

I’m sort of fascinated by the roller-coaster of facial expressions Hi is treating us to here. In panel one, he’s staring at Thirsty’s gut in shock and disbelief, as if he’s thinking “My God, he’s right! Everything they’ve told us about beer guts is a lie! What’s the point of avoiding beer if you’re still going to get fat? What’s the point of anything?” But in panel two, he switches to cruel superiority. “Ha ha, Thirsty, man does not grow fat on beer alone! Meat and bread are also full of calories! The world makes sense once again, though now that I know you’ve given up beer without any kind of introspective look at why you were so dependent on alcohol in the first place, it’s going to be even more pleasingly cutting to call you ‘Thirsty.'”

Crankshaft, 12/7/13

Turns out yesterday’s mind-bending encounter was just Crankshaft getting a mystical and terrifying glimpse into his own future, which has shaken his very soul. Naturally not only does nobody believe him, but they’re all very ostentatiously laughing at him, because this is a strip where none of the characters are capable of pity or empathy of any kind.

Herb and Jamaal, 12/7/13

Have you ever dreaded going to your mind-numbing, unfulfilling job and thought that, even though you’d be less well off in terms of material possessions, you’d be happier and more satisfied with a spiritual calling that allowed you to help your neighbors and give glory to God? Well, Herb and Jamaal’s Rev. Croom and I have got some bad news for you.

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Oh hey, after a week off, it’s a new comment of the week!

“‘I will always be in your debt!’ Translation: Don’t expect any of that money back.” –White Rabbit

And some very funny runners up!

“In the third panel, note that Veronica and Archie are helpfully demonstrating the two extremes of Bipolar II disorder. Even their outfits (Screamin’ Strike Pink and Bowling Bummer Blue, respectively) convey episodes of hypomania and deep depression.” –Joe Blevins

Luann: “Protip: if you live in a world of paper-thin characterizations where most people are defined by one or two traits that are comically exaggerated to substitute for personality, you might want to avoid marrying someone whose single defining trait you find intensely irritating.” –Master Softheart

“Mary says she lived in New York ‘years ago’ and that it’s since lost its old-town charm, which confirms my suspicion that Mary is not ‘perpetually 60,’ but a member of the undead. The last time New York had real old-town charm was in the days of Peter Stuyvesant, of whom Mary has first hand knowledge. Ask her sometime about his ‘Dutch treat.'” –debussy fields

“‘Whoops, this syrup is slippery,’ cried the henchman, ‘and the jar fell right into this basket of deadly cobras!’ And so Old Man Dunlap passed the fresh batch of meth to his distributor right under Mark Trail’s nose.” –Ed Dravecky

“HEATHCLIFF IS ASCENDANT. HEATHCLIFF KNOWS ALL. SEES ALL. CONSUMES ALL. GRAVITY DOES NOT AFFECT HEATHCLIFF. TIME DOES NOT AFFECT HEATHCLIFF. YOU ARE ALREADY IN HIS MOUTH. YOUR FRIENDS ARE HIS TEETH. YOUR HOME IS HIS ESOPHAGUS. YOUR TOMB IS HIS STOMACH. YOU WILL BE BURIED.

it is too late” –bunivasal

“Spider-Man would like to lash back at the jeering children, mocking their own weaknesses and insecurities with a catchy taunt of his own, but he can’t think of anything that rhymes with ‘pencil-thin mustache.’ Or ‘hormonal imbalance.’ Or ‘Don Johnson’s jacket.'” –Shoe Substitutes

“I’m a little disappointed that the newly-liberated rabbit passed up this opportunity to hop on Pop.” –Doctor Handsome

“Say what you want about Leroy’s alcoholism, at least he keeps his bottles neatly organized, largest to smallest. That there is a sign he still takes some small pride in his chosen vocation.” –Robot Quasar

“Perhaps Hagar is going to be this generation’s Conan. First, Hagar the Horrible, which we’ve been enjoying (is that too strong a term?), then Hagar the Conquerer, in which he leads his men south into the civilized lands and plows a trail of fire and gold, and finally Hagar the Emperor, where he broods on this throne of skulls and ponders whether it was worth leaving the thatched hut on the icy shores for the warm pleasures of the South. It will end, tragic and bloody, with a nod to Shakespeare when Eddie, a minor Iago, kills Hagar and takes Helga as his own.” –Voshkod

“For such a great Broadway actor, Ken isn’t able to keep up his ‘Happy to Be With Mary Worth’ face for a couple minutes.” –Baka Gaijin

“Oh god, it’s a team-up with the golden age Crankshaft. I am just 100% not ready for Crisis on Funkyverse One.” –Dan

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! To find out more about how you could be thanked in this spot, and more about sponsoring this site’s RSS feed, click here.

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Crankshaft, 12/6/13

For literally years, since most recent Funkyverse time-jump, we’ve been granted occasional glimpses of this slumped-over, wheelchair-bound, oxygen-tanked, apparently vegetative old man in a Toledo Mud Hens cap, and it’s been heavily implied, but never stated outright, that this is post-time-jump Crankshaft, as he’ll look in the ten-years-forward Funky Winkerbean half of the universe’s fractured chronology. Except today the two men actually have encountered each other, so … that’s not actually the case at all? Or maybe this horribly depressing death-house sits on some kind of time-tunneling wormhole, and Crankshaft is now being treated to a vision of the awful future that awaits him. It’s like A Christmas Carol, only without any structure or meaning or lessons learned! God, I wish this were all more interesting, given the amount of time I’ve spent thinking about it.

Beetle Bailey, 12/6/13

Ha ha, this is a confusing nightmare-tangle of horrible metaphors or perhaps reality! “Cookie, you’re making garbage for dinner! Or, maybe, your dinner just tastes like garbage, for all of us, every night? I don’t even know what I’m trying to get across here! Anyway, mealtimes are a hellish pukescape for everybody involved.”