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Marvin, 10/28/13

Oh, hey, were you wondering about the Halloween fantasies of Marvin, a gross pre-verbal infant? Well, it turns out that Marvin is fantasizing about having a baby head on a muscular adult body, and also about wearing a diaper that is on the outside of his tights and yet still suspiciously full and saggy. Halloween horror just arrived a few days early, everybody.

Herb and Jamaal, 10/28/13

Guys, I … I’m pretty sure Herb has either killed or is about to kill his mother-in-law.

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Judge Parker, 10/27/13

Look at April’s cool, carefully controlled expression in panel two. That’s the look of a woman used to the shadowy world of international espionage, where wheels spin within wheels and suspicion is a must. Unbelievable coincidence? You’d better believe April finds it unbelievable, because April doesn’t believe in coincidences. She’s not exactly sure what’s going on here yet, but rest assured that it will end with someone quietly and efficiently killed and their body thrown off the boat. Will it be Audrey? Her seasick husband? Judge Parker Senior himself? Why choose! Can’t be too careful!

Heathcliff, 10/27/13

The paw-on-wing high-fiving going on in the background of the final panel ought to chill you to your very core. We can’t assume that this bird-mouse cabal will dissolve now that the allies have overcome their common feline enemy. With a mastery of disguise and control of both land and air, they are capable of anything.

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Mark Trail, 10/26/13

Well! We’ve had exciting Mark Trail denouements before, but I’m pretty sure none of them are more exciting than a villain being driven over a cliff to his death by a wounded, suicidal elk. I guess the Mark Trail storytelling machine caught wind of the outpouring of recognition Mary Worth got when that strip sent a plotline’s antagonist over a cliff and lurched into action, coming up with its own death-plummet climax a mere seven years later.

The one you feel really bad for in this scenario is of course Anne Marie, who just saw her fiance die horribly. It’s worth pointing out that Anne Marie is also completely in the dark about her fiance’s evil nature, because women in Mark Trail are (a) not very observant and (b) not told unpleasant facts by men, because a lady shouldn’t worry her pretty little head about such matters. Maybe they still won’t tell her, to protect her! “I’m sorry, Anne Marie, but your fiance is in Man Heaven now. Probably you’ll find a new fiance soon, with your long, pretty hair! Welp, I’m off to Lost Forest.”

Mary Worth, 10/26/13

This week, we’ve heard the story of a teenage boy, homeless after being kicked out of his abusive home, who Shelly helped in her early years at the shelter. That teen hobo eventually grew up to be the upstanding suit-wearing doctor you see before you, thanks to Shelly’s help and guidance. In the shocking conclusion to the tale, we learn that Shelly and Dr. Smith are involved in a sexual relationship so electric that they can’t keep from pawing all over each other, right here in front of the guest that they barely notice anymore. Mary’s eyes are wide with voyeuristic lust in anticipation of the red-hot May-December chocolate-vanilla action she’s about to see.

Gil Thorp, 10/26/13

You may not care for sports, or Gil Thorp, or sports in Gil Thorp, but you really have to appreciate today’s strip, in which Gil and Kaz come up with a coaching plan and grin smugly at each other about it, and then that plan flops spectacularly over two confusingly drawn panels. I’m pretty sure Jimmy Jarbo is pounding himself in the head in frustration over his failure in panel two? Silly, Jimmy, you can’t hurt yourself that way, you’re wearing a helmet! You need to take it off and find a good barky stick.

Blondie, 10/26/13

Herb’s expression in the last panel really sells this strip to me. He’s trying, ever so gently, to steer his best friend away from the massive coronary that’s awaiting him, only to see all his work undone in an instant. “Yes,” says Dagwood, “I do want to eat all my favorite foods at once! Can you blend them up into a viscous slurry and then pour down my gullet through a funnel?”

Crock, 10/26/13

Once upon a time, there was a teenage chicken who was smart enough to learn how to drive a car, but then these guys killed it and ate it, the end.