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Guyyyys, let’s get all commenty of the weeky in here, shall we?

“I can only hope — to stop one of you! Oh, if only I had four arms with which to hold two guns! [looks down] Well, will you look at that. Looks like I have multiple appendages, just like a spi… No, a taran… Wait, a CONDOR! Yes!” –BrutusJ

And the very hilarious runners up!

“Why, in the post-apocalyptic animal world, are aerosol paints rarely sold? Is it an opposable-thumb/dexterity thing? Is that Count Weirdly’s reserve stock on the shelf? Or are they exclusively for spiders? Please kill me now.” –Dood

“I’m imagining a post-veep sitcom for Biden. In every episode he gets himself gradually deeper and deeper into some absurd predicament. At the end of the show, when the climax of craziness has been reached, all the other characters gather around him and yell, ‘Joe Biden, you dope!’ He grins and shakes his head in consternation. Roll credits.” –Peanut Gallery

“June is smiling because that thing on the end of her fork appears to be a peyote button.” –AhClem

“Speaking as someone who doesn’t get turned on by boobs, I have to say Judge Parker’s descent into revenge-fueled madness is the best thing to ever happen in this strip.” –Esther Blodgett

“I think when Bob Hope or Lou Costello leaks water after being shot, it’s funny because we appreciate the hydraulics the special effects people rigged up under their shirts. Drawing the same ‘effect’ into a cartoon is just plain … say, wasn’t this strip supposed to be retired already? [Note: this is the proper way to finish any discussion about Crock.]” –Dr. Mabuse

“I was a clever and evasive devil. Or, at least, I made a Faustian bargain with one! Now I shall be immortal, an unstoppable zombie which keeps on walking and speaking, even as I have become so filled with holes that I cannot possibly hold any water. Oh, wait, no, I’m just a Crock character — we’re all like this.” –The Ben

“The look on Loretta’s face indicates that she knows that this means Leroy didn’t flush.” –nescio

“Reminiscent of the filming of Citizen Kane, the artist had to jackhammer a hole in the floor to get this angle. Nice try, artist, but you’re not getting out of the strip that way.” –Kristian

“You think you have proven the existence of your God with your banana? FOOLS I HAVE PROVEN THE TRUE NATURE OF THE ALMIGHTY WITH THIS DELICIOUS FLESH!” –QuentonKaramazov

“I think Jeffy’s shirt is more of a Hester Prynne situation. It’s not that he’ll forget who he is … it’s that we can’t allow ourselves to forget; we can’t let him to walk among decent people without a mark of shame that brands him for what he is. And much like Hester Prynne, we refuse to acknowledge that we all bear the Sin of Jeffy; we all share the blame for his existence.” –Dan

“It’s handy that Tori carries around a pack of cigarettes at all times so that we don’t have to try to recall who she is or what her character is about. (She’s a bad girl!) I think they should try applying this to the major characters as well. Lu Ann could carry around a bag of hammers, Tommie could carry around a box of saltine crackers, and Margo a speargun.” –pugfuggly

“For erections lasting more than four hours please consult a veterinarian.” –Mr. Yezpitelok

“‘Pizza Night’ is actually the closest the human tongue can come to pronouncing the name of the eldritch horror whose jaundiced yellow eye stares down from its black cloud of nothing on its earthly spawn, Heathcliff.” –David

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Heathcliff, 10/25/13

It’s pizza night, everyone! And that’s why Heathcliff is on the roof playing the bagpipes. Sure, there’s literally no correlation between bagpiping and pizza, but Heathcliff doesn’t care about your square cultural consensus about the correspondence between the signifier and the signified any more than he cares about local noise ordinances. Heathcliff’s going to stand on top of your God-damned roof playing the God-damned bagpipes and then eat some God-damned pizza, because he’s God-damned Heathcliff. It doesn’t have to make sense. You know it, he knows it, so why you don’t you just stand there and listen to “Amazing Grace” or “Scotland the Brave” or whatever until he decides he’s done, hmm?

(By the way, this is another Heathcliff that works very well with the caption replaced by “I’m thinking of unfriending him on Facebook.”)

Pluggers, 10/25/13

After going to great lengths to try to convince us that pluggers are wholly incapable of sexual arousal, the strip has finally admitted that, yes, pluggers can experience faint stirrings of lust, but only if they work so hard at it that they actually experience physical pain.

Lockhorns, 10/25/13

LOOK A CONTEMPORARY CULTURAL REFERENCE THE LOCKHORNS IS DEFINITELY NOT A COLLECTION OF THOUSANDS OF CARTOONS ALL DRAWN IN A SWEATSHOP IN 1965 AND DOLED OUT TO NEWSPAPERS ONE AT A TIME OVER THE DECADES PLEASE CONTINUE READING THANK YOU

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Mark Trail, 10/24/13

So I hadn’t mentioned this earlier but Johnny Walker shot an elk and wounded it but then didn’t bother to follow it and put it out of its misery, and though I’m a city slicker who is terrified of things you encounter while hunting (guns, animals, direct sunlight, “outside,” etc.) it was pretty clear to me from context that this made him evil. And now, as he flees with Mark Trail’s enormous, battery-drained cell phone, he’s about to meet that elk, and its huge, razor-sharp antlers! Pretty sure this is the first example of “Chekov’s elk” in the history of narrative.

Spider-Man, 10/24/13

Yeah, so, Spidey and the Tarantula have pretty much won their fight against El Condor and his regime, but they still seem to be awful cocky about their current scenario? Remember, this is a brutal dictator for whom the best case near-term scenario probably involves a brief show trial before a Revolutionary Tribunal resulting in a sentence of execution by firing squad; more likely outcomes involve a rope, a lamppost in the plaza in front of the presidential palace, and nobody who knows how to do a hanging properly so it’s swift and painless. So, you know, why not shoot at one or more of the spider-themed superheroes who helped the leftist running dogs overthrow you? Especially when they’re both being so smug and irritating?

Crankshaft, 10/24/13

Speaking of revolutions: Crankshaft knew that his own reign of terror couldn’t last forever, that eventually the children on his bus route and their parents and his co-workers and his own family would realize they had had enough of him, and would organize to send him into the dustbin of history. But unlike El Condor, Crankshaft was prepared. You could still just barely hear the angry mob in the distance, baying for blood, but already the CIA helicopter was landing inside Crankshaft’s compound. The citizenry could take their rage out on his fence and his yard, could tear his house to bits, but they would never find Crankshaft. It was like he was never there at all.