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Mark Trail, 12/17/13

Holy crap, things are getting dark for our hero, who thought he was slickly and silently sneaking up on not-Jared Jeff to take his gun, only to get a roundhouse kick right to the face. It occurs to me: we all know that Mark is the implacable enemy of all forms of nonstandard facial and head-hair; but is it possible that, in facing a nemesis like not-Jared Jeff, who has no hair to speak of, he is powerless? Lost Forest’s criminal element has finally discovered that ultimate power was only a quick shave away all along!

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 12/17/13

Meanwhile, over in Hootin’ Holler, the Smith family is starving to death, what with the lack of economic opportunity in the region and Snuffy’s refusal to do any kind of paying work, forcing Loweezy to go door to door begging for sustenance from her almost as impoverished neighbors. This … this is not the hilarious hillbilly laughfest I ordered, guys :(

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Mary Worth, 12/16/13

Oh goodie, Mary is hitting the “NEW YORK IS THE GREATEST CITY IN THE WORLD” fugue state many visitors achieve when they’ve been there for a few days, assuming they haven’t been permanently turned off by the density or the people or the smell. Look at how blissfully happy she is shoving that delicious cheese ’n’ grease triangle into her grinning teeth in panel one! We all know she won’t have the nerve to actually up and move to New York, but look for her to sigh theatrically and talk about how everything in Santa Royale is so lame compared to New York for weeks after she gets back. (She’ll be right.)

Marvin, 12/16/13

I guess “Elf Marvy” is supposed to be Marvin’s dream elf name, à la Hermey the Elf from the Rankin-Bass Rudolph special? Or maybe “Marvy” is just the cool nickname that he’s always wanted but nobody will give him, because it has the same number of syllables as “Marvin” and also nobody likes him enough to give him a nickname. Anyway, Marvin this week will be relentlessly hammering home some dumb joke where Santa Claus becomes one of the Duck Dynasty people, so brace yourself for that.

Heathcliff, 12/16/13

I’m not sure what possible interpretation of this cartoon is more unsettling: that Heathcliff is going to fuck this cupcake, or that he’s going to eat it, with the visual tropes of romance being a metaphorical lead-in to eating it.

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Judge Parker, 12/15/13

Oh hey remember the overly nice concierge who aggressively helped Judge Parker Senior with his terrible screenplay? (Side note: the Parkers have been on this hell cruise since July, Jesus.) Anyway, she’s now been replaced by a “fantastic” computer program, so we’ll need no more of her creative input! She’ll be perfectly happy with whatever loose hundos Alan had floating around in his wallet, plus a “small writer’s credit,” and hahahahaha if he thinks that there’s any such thing as a “small writer’s credit” or that he gets to decide who gets one. Hope you enjoy endless lawsuits and/or WGA mediation sessions, Alan!

Family Circus, 12/15/13

Re: “rapping his presence”: Obviously it’s ludicrous that a seven-year-old in 2013 would think “rapping” means “criticizing” and not “hip-hop vocals.” But still, I think we can all be thankful that the Family Circus has chosen not to depict some form of terrifying holiday-themed Christian praise rap.

Panel from Slylock Fox, 12/15/13

oh no Shady Shrew has mastered inception, we’re all done for