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Marmaduke, 9/1/13

Readers of this blog are aware that the primary theme of Marmaduke is that Marmaduke is a nightmarish demon-god who hungers for human flesh (and human souls) and keeps the populace of his sleepy suburban town in a state of constant terror. You’re probably also aware of a secondary theme: namely, that Marmaduke’s owner is Hitler. But there’s also a tertiary narrative strand that pops up very occasionally, involving terrifying space monsters who occasionally wander into the panel. Are we meant to understand today that this seemingly innocent-looking fire hydrant is secretly a space-travelling robot probe, with a mission to scan Earth and report back to its interstellar masters? Or is it just an ordinary fire hydrant that, in a desperate bid for survival, spontaneously achieved both sentience and the power of spaceflight in order to avoid being doused in Marma-urine? (Marma-urine is more corrosive than the most powerful industrial acid known to man, because, as noted, Marmaduke is a nightmarish demon-god.)

Dennis the Menace, 9/1/13

Citizens! Are you adequately terrified of looming and unspecified disasters and crises? Are you monitoring government-approved warning systems at all times? Have you and your neighbors made a plan to flee your homes forever, abandoning all your worldly possessions and leaving entire cities empty, if the “need” arises? This adorable towheaded tyke wouldn’t lie to you! The threat is real! Vague but real! Dennis’s menacing factor has increased an order of magnitude.

Wizard of Id, 9/1/13

The best panel in this strip is definitely the second in the third row. The Wiz and his treasured pet gaze at one another with the sort of pure, unembarrassed love that it seems people can only experience with animals. There’s going to be a new way for the two of them to be affectionate! Isn’t that great! Then, of course, comes the tearing flesh and the venom seeping into open wounds. And the screaming. So much screaming.

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Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 8/31/13

And so this week has been bookended by strips demonstrating the confusing effect that Hootin’ Holler’s poverty and isolation have on the very language its inhabitants speak. Cliches and turns of phrase filter in from the outside world, but are based on things that most of us take for granted and yet are complete mysteries to Snuffy and his kin. And so, just as the old saying “hot enough to fry an egg on the sidewalk” is a confusing word-jumble to people who travel by foot on dirt paths through the woods and fields and have never seen a sidewalk, so too is the phrase “fresh as a mountain stream” meaningless to people who have no experience with indoor plumbing and who get all their water from mountain streams as a matter of course. (The stream also doubles as the town sewer, so you can see why Snuffy seems particularly puzzled by the use of “fresh” in this context.)

Momma, 8/31/13

I’m preeeeety sure Momma has been a 43-year-long exercise in establishing that our mothers are responsible for all our emotional problems, actually.

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Oh hey have you been waiting for your COTW? Well brace yourself ’cause here it is:

“I love that Westview’s teachers always discover these draconian cuts five minutes before school starts. Guys, those budget cuts were made last May. Remember when they fired Larry the choir director, and outsourced lunch to a Chinese firm? No, it didn’t happen to Les, so I suppose you don’t.” –The Ghost of Jarrod

Your runners up are also amusing!

“Leroy’s look of disgust really tells the story. I mean, if Olive Garden didn’t want people to sit in their restaurants, eating basket after basket of free breadsticks while being a condescending prick to the staff, it shouldn’t advertise free breadsticks. I mean come on, this is America.” –Tophat

“Our police use power consumption to find grow-ops and drug labs all the time. I can only imagine Shylock’s initial glee and eventual disappointment when he got the call from the power company. ‘Finally!’ he thinks. ‘A real crime! No more stolen ice cream cones and counterfeit medicine. Breaking up a drug empire is my ticket out of this … Oh, for fuck’s sake … Penguins? Really?'” –Guts Dozier

“I love that one kid on the beach lost in thought, reading the back of his can of Crush Orange: ‘So refreshing! Does it actually have oranges in it? Hmmm … it does have citric acid, so yes, but what’s all this ester gum? It doesn’t taste like Bubblicious at all!'” –sporknpork

“As Rusty devours his ‘pizza’ Mark is scribbling in his notebook ‘drugs only gave Rusty insane dreams. Next time, use stronger dosage.'” –Digger

“Mark’s not even listening. ‘Indeed, Rusty … indeed!’ is just the generic response he has cued up whenever the hideous demon-child starts to speak. ‘Can I bring this plugged-in toaster in the bathtub with me, Mark?’ ‘Indeed, Rusty … indeed!’ ‘What lies beyond this world, Mark? Is it just a blank, formless void, an inescapable vortex where our screams go unheard for all eternity?’ ‘Indeed, Rusty … indeed!’ Meanwhile, Mark’s thinking about beige shirts or tree sap or something like that.” –Joe Blevins
ry

“Hey Andy, why don’t you have a punny name, huh? Who the hell hired you?” –TheDiva

“Has Gil been reading my diary? And for the record, Kaz, no, not at all like your index finger.” –Esther Blodgett

“Of course pluggers are uninterested in sex. A single plugger family can consist of members of approximately eight different and completely incompatible species. Frankly I don’t know why they exist at all.” –C. Sandy Cyst

Judge Parker: “Let’s not do this until Thalia wakes up. I mean, what are the odds that the kidnappers will cut off any important parts of Ross’ anatomy in the next hour? Virtually 50/50, and I for one am comfortable with those odds since I don’t know him!” –Ratiocinator

“The governor has swiftly aged from ‘that handsome young man’ to ‘1970s character actor Joseph Campanella’ and will likely be ‘Regis Philbin on a bad day’ by the end of next month. Hey, Lu Ann has been widowed before, right?” –Ed Dravecky

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