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Apartment 3-G, 8/30/13

Uh oh, looks like there’s another proposal in the works for Lu Ann! She was already engaged to Scott Gaines the cartoonishly rich janitor in 2005 and then got engaged to Paul Linski on the 10th anniversary of 9/11 and I think she was engaged to someone else in between there too? I’m blanking now. We all know the chances of Lu Ann ever actually marrying anybody are nil, because that’d ruin the strip and also she’s emotionally and intellectually a child, so I guess the drama is whether she’ll accept the proposal and then dump the governor later or just kick him to the curb right now.

I suppose it’s appropriate that Lu Ann is most frequently engaged Apartment 3-G girl, since Margo is too much woman for most men; her one shot at marriage came when she found an engagement ring while snooping around her boyfriend’s apartment, right before he died in an avalanche. Pretty sure Tommie’s never been engaged, but even if she had been I’m certain it was super-boring and am not even going to bother hunting through my archives to find the sad evidence.

Momma, 8/30/13

This punchline was supposed to read “699,” right? Because otherwise Momma’s really managing to luck out!

Shoe, 8/30/13

Ha ha, it’s funny because the sexy lady bird has breast implants! Also, she’s sitting like five feet away from these other bird-people who are all ogling and/or gossiping about her. SHE CAN TOTALLY HEAR YOU, GUYS.

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Mary Worth, 8/29/13

Sorry I haven’t been keeping you up to date on eleven riveting days of vague worries about Shannon’s job, but here, let me sum them up for you: ever since Shannon enraged Aggie during a talk group, she’s been worried that Aggie will complain and get her fired — despite the fact that we’ve seen no evidence that she’s getting pressure from her bosses, or that she would be at all expected to be some kind of qualified talk-group leader, since she was first introduced to us as the teacher for Mary’s yoga class. Being a yoga teacher and being a therapist are not the same things, just for the record!

But anyway, Mary is determined to save Shannon’s job by any means necessary. Those means apparently include undermining the ontological structures that define the very nature of reality for the managers of Pax Wellness Resort. “Those policies that you think you have, that say the customer is always right? Those policies are false. They do not exist. Everywhere in the handbook where you see it written is a lie. Avert your eyes from it and blot it out with the darkest ink, lest your mind become unclean with falsehood.”

Gil Thorp, 8/29/13

Why has it been so long since the Mudlarks have won a championship in any sport? Maybe it has something to do with Gil and Kaz’s scouting techniques, which seem to consist of wandering the school’s corridors at random looking for big dudes. Today’s strip reminds one of 1 Samuel 9, when the prophet Samuel spots Saul son of Abiel — “From his shoulders and upward he was higher than any of the people” — and immediately hears the word of the LORD in his ear instructing him to anoint the man Israel’s first king. That ended up working out super for everyone concerned, so surely this mysterious hulking shadow will do great on the offensive line or whatever.

Pluggers, 8/29/13

We simply cannot emphasize enough that pluggers are wholly uninterested in sex.

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Beetle Bailey, 8/28/13

“I guess he’s a pile of shattered bones and mangled organs, mostly! Aw, Sarge looks kind of sad, like he vaguely regrets beating Beetle to death in a savage frenzy of violence.”

Mark Trail, 8/28/13

“That is a good job, Rusty — and speaking of jobs, isn’t about time you started contributing financially to this household? You’re not an actual blood relation, so it’s not like we have an obligation to keep feeding you free of charge. Say, I hear the new glove factory in town is looking for line workers! They’ll pay you 50 cents an hour and all the irregularly stitched gloves you can fit into a gunny sack!”

Crankshaft, 8/28/13

“I’m not really sure what Rocky Rhodes’s name is supposed to say? I guess it was meant to be punny, years back when we first introduced this character, but who can really remember now.”

Family Circus, 8/28/13

“Mommy, is Grandma a filthy foreigner? Is our bloodline tainted? Can we only be redeemed by cleansing this entire condo complex with purifying fire?”