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Hagar the Horrible, 2/3/24

Man, I remember when poetry was orally transmitted, when anyone could get in front of the assembly and fire off some verses that they had memorized about the contention of the gods or the glorious battles fought by our fathers or our fathers’ fathers in the south. But then, our fathers fathers’ brought back writing from the south, along with big ideas about how the King shouldn’t just be the chief of chiefs but at the top of the heap and in command of all, and now you need his permission just to be a poet, and you have to write all your poetry down on paper. This place is getting to be a drag, man. You wanna go to Greenland? I hear Greenland is still cool. Got a lot of breathing room out there.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 2/3/24

I applaud today’s Snuffy Smith for acknowledging that generation gap discourse is eternal and ongoing rather than doing the “kids today would rather look at the phone on their comfortable couch instead of playing kick the can in the street and getting run over by a car” bit, but I do want to recognize that Snuffy’s father was canonically in a Rip Van Winkle-style state of suspended animation for decades. He literally doesn’t understand the current generation! He’s a man out of time, unmoored from the world he thought he knew!

Hi and Lois, 2/3/24

Ha ha, it’s funny because Thirsty is going to die of carbon monoxide poisoning in that tent! Don’t worry, it will be very peaceful for him, because he’s quite drunk.

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The best part of waking up is learning what the top comment of the week was on josh reads dot com, the world famous comics curmudgeon blog:

“Once again, Shoe demonstrates how weird it is about the characters being birds. Imagine a realistically sized pigeon or whatever kinda bird this lady is supposed to be trying to use shampoo in a shower and owning a dog, an animal at least twice her size and a carnivore that absolutely eats birds.” –ectojazzmage

And chuckle along with these hilarious runners up as you linger over your morning coffee!

“Dennis senses that his parents’ conversation is really about something else, but this realization that language can be multivocal and opaque makes him long for Mr. Wilson’s frank and forthright loathing. The bitter wins of post-modernism strips the paint from his house, leaving faded patches.” –But What Do I Know?

“How can Heirs of Mort create a funny original image of a frazzled Killer but can no longer remember how big a single tooth is?” –Hobbes Fan

“BOOMER COMICS THEN: ‘I hate my wife!’ BOOMER COMICS NOW: ‘I hate my wifi!’” –Schroduck

“Slim’s organs will be donated to Walt, keeping him alive for an improbable 30 more years, when the last daily newspaper somehow continues to publish in some quiet corner of Kansas.” –Philip

“You have to admit sometimes the old ways work. The dime aphorism is a lot pithier and punchier than ‘Here’s $1200. Go buy an iPhone and a subscription plan and call someone who cares.’” –Chance

“Did I miss the part where all the charges against Rene/Jimmy were dropped? Or is having to chat with Mud and friends a court ordered punishment?” –Maltmash3r

“The funny thing here is that Dogg-Mann remembers vaguely that he has some kind of athletic vendetta going on with Bear-Mann, but he’s forgotten what sport or teams it’s over. But Bear-Mann says he doesn’t care about the vendetta any more, probably because he’s forgotten the whole thing. So, pluggers are old and losing their memories #12,546! Ha ha, har!” –White Rabbit

“As an artist himself, Rene really should appreciate the talented orthopedic surgeon who treated him. Their work has really captured the essence of a man determined to walk upstairs but trapped lying on his back. Bravo!” –Stuart F

“This is a brave illustration of why you need to take the car keys away from aging parents — that plugger is coming to behind the wheel, somehow in the middle of a street fair.” –Quiggle

“Come here, Sonia, and take a look at this new throw pillow we got! The pattern is based on the visual hallucinations experienced by a plugger during a syncope. It’s from Crate and Barrel’s new ‘getting old in Virginia’ line of décor.” –Voshkod

“I used to be mildly attracted to Mark’s boss, but now he’s a little chipmunk man. What am I supposed to do with him, boop his little nose and feed him peanuts? Ehh, I guess that’s better than another lonesome weekend. Boop!” –made of wince

“Y’know, it’s been awhile since I’ve been properly enraged by a Six Chix, and hey, look at this: I am utterly enraged at this Six Chix. And it’s not just rage; I have moved into the still, limpid waters of visceral, unadulterated fury. No. No to all of this. If the pumpkin is no longer a carriage, why does it still have wheels? And why, if it’s gonna have wheels, does it only have two of them? Why is it still the size of a carriage? And if it’s a pumpkin now, why is Cinderella still wearing a crown?! Why did it rot, like, immediately?!? Why is the word ‘accidentally’ involved?!?! WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO US” –els

“Urination is always going to be a divisive fetish, but you’re guaranteed to upset both sides when you constantly post about peeing on social media but never upload any videos.” –jroggs

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Bizarro and Six Chix, 2/2/24

Were you, as an adolescent, fascinated by Dante’s Inferno, and in particular by the book’s weird geography, in which hell is a kind of cone under the Earth’s surface, with each “circle” a ledge on which some ironic and awful punishment is dished out on unfortunate sinners? Or were you, unlike me, normal? If the former, you are truly primed to appreciate and perhaps even create today’s Six Chix, which some might fight offensive to Italians but I consider a true delight even though the pun is a little bit of a stretch. If the latter, you might produce today’s other Dante comic. Get it, OMG=”Divine” and LOL=”Comedy”? This is the product of the normie mind and frankly doesn’t deserve the label “bizarre” at all.

Pardon My Planet, 2/2/24

If one of your deep-seated fantasies is cruelly taunting women on social media for going to the bathroom, because you get off on the idea of them having to sit there uncomfortably and hold it until your issue your approval via Facebook comments, then I guess it’s better to write a syndicated newspaper comic strip about it than it is to actually do it? Like, more people will know about it from a comic, which is bad, because nobody should know about this, it’s obviously very shameful, but at least you’re not actually targeting any specific women, and women in general now have a pretty good sense that they should steer clear of you.

Beetle Bailey, 2/2/24

Ha ha, artificial intelligence, am I right? It would certainly be crazy if AI were to replace Beetle and Sarge. Now I know what you’re thinking: given that today’s strip involves a close up on our two characters whose facial expressions barely change and who are standing in a featureless, backgroundless void, how do we know that AI hasn’t already replaced them, in the sense of writing this strip? Well, just as an experiment, I asked ChatGPT to write a Beetle Bailey on this topic:

Yes, well, there you have it: the soulless machine produces dialogue even less funny than the Walker-Browne Humor Industries LLC sweatshop, somehow tries to drag things out over four panels like this is 1959 and the comics pages have infinite space to fill, gets minor details wrong (have you ever seen “polishing boots” as one of Beetle’s assigned tasks?), and seems to think that Beetle and Sarge like each other.

But what about comics bloggers? Could they be replaced by a shiny cybernetic robot?

I feel like this is something that would’ve shocked every ’60s sci-fi writer churning out pulp novels and short stories about killer robots while out of their mind on benzedrine, but the thing about AI is that it isn’t mean enough to be funny. It’s called the Comics Curmudgeon, you pablum-spewing chatbot! Get back to me when you’re prepared to say that Beetle and Sarge engaging in “banter” isn’t enjoyable for anyone!

Anyway, tune in next time, dear readers, as we explore the unpredictable landscapes of the funny pages. Until then, keep those comics coming, and don’t forget to share your thoughts in the comments. Over and out!