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Mark Trail, 5/6/13

If there’s one thing that we all know that Cherry’s good at, it’s remaining blissfully calm/emotionally numb/dead inside when Mark vanishes into the wilderness for days or weeks at a time. So get used to it, Shelly! That’s what being married to an outdoor enthusiast is all about! Here, enjoy Cherry’s special “tea,” which has significant tranquilizing effects. You’ll be floating away on fluffy cloud of who gives a shit soon enough!

Rex Morgan, M.D., 5/6/13

Oh, hey, while June was waxing about pregnancy waffle fixations and Rex was dickishly admonishing a rich dude to get his blood drawn, Sarah became a mass-produced art impresario, proving that really the strip should be entirely about her and her somewhat creepily precocious antics.

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Blondie, 5/5/13

Having supernatural beings of various ethical alignments battling for control of your actions (and, by extension, your soul) is an old comics trope, but usually these spirits are matched, good against evil. Poor Dagwood only has his own moral resources to draw upon in the battle against sinful sloth, and the results are predictable. In related news, if the sight of a Dagwood-headed jazz-handing actual demon doesn’t haunt your dreams for weeks, you are made of stronger stuff than I am, my friend.

Judge Parker, 5/5/13

“Abbey … what if he’s dead? What will happen to my money? Could I … lose … my money? Is it even possible for the verb ‘lose’ to have ‘my money’ as an object? This is all so terrifying for me!”

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Funky Winkerbean, 5/4/13

Oh, man, Darrin’s bio-dad is just not going to give up on his mission of assholery, is he? I have literally no idea what he thinks is going to happen if he goes public with the knowledge that Dead Lisa had sex as a teenager and had a kid and gave it up for adoption. Will the Westview citizenry gather in the town square and ritually burn all copies of Lisa’s Story, as is the accepted fate for Whore Literature? Fools, they already bought the books, and Les already got paid! You bought the book too, Darrin-bio-dad! You bought it in hardcover!

Mary Worth, 5/4/13

Haha, awesome first date strategy, Tom. “I know how to eat better! I just didn’t bother because I didn’t care if I lived or died! I wanted to commit suicide the slowest, most passive-aggressive way possible. But after one trip to the grocery store, one awkward dinner with your mom and some random old lady in our apartment building, and 10 minutes of orange food prep, I know I want to live! You’re the only one keeping me alive, Beth! NEVER LEAVE THIS ROOM OR I’LL KILL MYSELF WITH A VEGETABLE PEELER I SWEAR TO GOD”

Herb and Jamaal, 5/4/13

Herb’s mother-in-law lives with his family and works at the soul food restaurant he runs with Jamaal, but we don’t really know much about her social life. Did she always live in this town, or did she uproot herself from her social networks to come here? Does she have a circle of friends her own age that she spends time with? Are they the ones that she apparently got hella drunk with last night?

Spider-Man, 5/4/13

I mean, we’re all imagining Kingpin speaking in a gravelly, menacing voice, dramatically stretched out over two panels, right? “Now, and only now, it’s time — to awaken Spider-Man! …in the dullest, most pedestrian way possible, by splashing him with water out of a mid-sized Rubbermaid container. HAHA, I was soaking my sore feet in this all afternoon, the water is totally gross! Take that, wall-crawler!”