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Herb and Jamaal, 7/12/13

Herb’s mother-in-law is a fallen angel, cast out of Heaven after she and her evil confederates attempted to rebel against the Almighty.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 7/12/13

The introduction of flatlander science into Hootin’ Holler could have radical implications for the lives of the community’s inhabitants, which is why Maddy’s boy will probably be burned at the stake by the end of the week.

Dick Tracy, 7/12/13

“I know cigarette smoke could really irritate a throat injury, Dick, so just say something if you don’t want me to light up. No? Nothing? I’ll just take your silence as permission!”

Blondie, 7/12/13

It’s kind of sad when your real name is more embarrassing than “Pastrami Guy.”

Mother Goose and Grimm, 7/12/13

Grimm would like to “take a personal day,” for sex.

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Hey, everybody! Just thought I’d briefly toot my own horn and point out that today is my ninth blogiversary. That’s right, I’ve been making fun of the daily comics more or less daily for nine years now. Which is … impressive? Horrifying? An internet eternity? Whatever. Thanks to everyone who’s been reading my blog since the beginning, or who only just now started. I really appreciate your patronage and support! If you’re interested, here’s my first week of blogging, which is in some ways cringeworthy for me to look at now and in some ways pretty much what I’m still doing. Will I still be doing this nine years from now? Who even knows! I would’ve pegged this blog’s lifespan at about six months back in 2004, so I’m done making predictions.

By the way, just to prove I’m still “hip” and “with it” now that this blog thing is on its way to Internet dinosaur status, I have a Twitter and a Facebook and a Tumblr and a Google+, and you might want to click those links if those are things you like!

Anyway, I begin my tenth year of blogging the only way I know how: by whining misanthropically about Gasoline Alley.

Gasoline Alley, 7/11/13

Shockingly, the Wikipedia entry for Gasoline Alley does not include a complete list of all the characters in the strip’s sprawling cast. For that, you have to go to this lovingly maintained site that, like mine, was created in 2004, though it maintains some classic 1997 Web design aesthetics. Anyway, I was really hoping that Slim’s befuddlement in panel two meant that he had never seen this lady before in his life, and she was using his low emotional state and pliable mind to worm her way into his life and rob him blind. But no, it appears that Slim does in fact have a daughter named Gretchen, which means that his complete failure to recognize her puts him in the running for the worst dad of all time.

Mark Trail, 7/11/13

So not only is Mark not wearing a disguise, but he went undercover at this illegal poaching camp by registering under his own name! Lucky for him there’s no way for anyone to quickly determine if, say, someone were a prominent crusading journalist who wrote for a high-profile magazine focusing on outdoor living. Since all of our knowledge is limited by our own memory, Mark’s secret is safe, forever.

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Gil Thorp, 7/10/13

Man, I can not take my eyes off Gil’s jorts in panel one! And I don’t mean that in a good way. Gil, you’re trying to sweet-talk a possibly senile, definitely violent old pro wrestler out of jail, maybe you should dress with a little bit of dignity.

Hi and Lois, 7/10/13

Man, who says print journalism is in trouble? The Generic Suburb Intelligencer-Tribune probably has about half the pages, a third of the staffers, and a quarter of the ad revenue it had when I started this blog in 2004, but that doesn’t mean it can’t find room to wedge in some wire service copy offering “news” about a scientific model of stellar evolution that’s been accepted for pretty much decades.

Spider-Man, 7/10/13

A little poking around on travel sites has flights from San Francisco to Central America lasting anywhere from 9 to 13 hours, and if Spider-Man were to be actively humiliated by a small child for the entire duration of this trip, I for one would not complain at all.