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The Phantom, 2/1/24

So, big news everybody: The “Death of the Phantom” arc, which started, I swear to God, way back in 2017, is finally over, and, disappointingly, the Phantom didn’t even die! Now we’re finally on to the next storyline, and if you thought “Old Man Mozz and/or people who have heard a prophecy from Old Man Mozz keep repeating the same prophecy over and over again with slight variations” was irritating, you’ll really hate “The Phantom forces his family to listen to his rambling recounting of a dream he had last night,” which is what’s been happening for the last couple of weeks. But today we get to what hopefully is the meat of the storyline! Remember Eric Sahara, the Nomad, who was one of the Ghost Who Walks’s perennial antagonists, at least until he was captured, but before that his daughter became the Phantom’s daughter’s private school roommate and best friend and the Phantom had to rescue Mrs. The Nomad as a result? Anyway, an under-discussed aspect of the Phantom lore is that the Phantom identity is the product of a 22-generation breeding program, and we’re finally going to see how that plays out in practice (it plays out by the Phantom’s wives marrying their sons off to the daughters of prominent villains, creating a hero/villain hybrid line that can never be defeated).

Shoe, 2/1/24

Look, man, if you’re a pervert and in you’re in Wal-Mart or whatever and see a bottle of dog shampoo and all you can think about is gently massaging it into some lady’s hair and whispering to her, “You’re a good girl, such a good girl,” I support you and all, but I don’t think you should use that as material in your comic strip about bird-people. It’s just semiotically confusing. Like is she a bird or a dog or what. How can you even get turned on by this, there’s too much going on.

Six Chix, 2/1/24

Hey, you guys ever think about what would happen if the pumpkin carriage from Cinderella rotted, like a real pumpkin, and Cinderella rotted inside of it too, I guess because she’s dead? No? Just me? Just me wondering about this?

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Mark Trail, 1/31/24

Having helped a bunch of guys get in touch with their emotions via fishing, Mark is now being dispatched on a much more dangerous mission: finding out what exactly the local authorities in Utah are doing with those wild horses they’ve been rounding up. Are they sending them to run and play at a farm upstate? No, that’s how we got into this problem in the first place. Anyway, this plotline better end with Mark punching Justin Shirley, director of the Division of Wildlife of the Utah Department of Natural Resources, while shouting “Soylent Horse is made of horses! You’ve got to believe me!”

Mary Worth, 1/31/24

Say, let’s go see what’s happening in Mary Wo–no. Gross. Absolutely not. I’d rather read about the horse murder.

Pluggers, 1/31/24

Pluggers are dying, do you hear me? Why am I the only one brave enough to say it? They’re dying! They’re all dying!

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 1/30/24

Oh yeah, so it turns out that Lyle “Old Man” Ollman is actually Rene/”Jimmy”‘s uncle! I admit I made fun of Lyle for not having the skill or charisma to get a self-help cult going in the 1970s, but today, as he declares that Rene rebranding the Ollman Technique as “Professor Mirakle™ Presents: Rene Belluso’s Mirakle Method (an Ollman Technique® Production) Featuring Fergus ‘Mud Mountain’ Murphy” to be the “one good thing” his wayward nephew has done, he reveals that he at least has the ego for it. He hasn’t spoke to Rene in years! He could have done all sorts of good things! I mean, he definitely hasn’t, but he could have!

Family Circus, 1/30/24

Is Dolly promoting a pantheistic view of the universe and assigning divinity to a pagan nature goddess? Or is she humbly avoiding conflating herself with the one creator God of the Trinity while still boasting of her artistic prowess? The Keane Council on Heresy (PJ and Barfy) are going to have a hard time with this one.

Pluggers, 1/30/24

Sure, only pluggers remember payphone-derived idioms and aphorisms. But also, only pluggers still think a dime is actually worthwhile to hold on to rather than something annoying in your pocket, so I’m afraid I don’t buy that our bear-man friend here would actually use one to act out his dramatic little response.