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I’m back, everybody! Back and better than just as good as ever. Thanks for being kind to your favorite Uncle Lumpy while I was gone — he tells me you’ve been good. Can’t believe I missed the week of Faithful Reader Druj Nasu’s Automatic Rexifier, my goodness! Anyway, here is your fantabulous comment of the week!

“‘But what if I fail?’ Wait, failure is posited here as a merely hypothetical outcome? This is the most optimistic Funky Winkerbean ever.” –Doctor Handsome

And here are the runners up, very funny!

Apartment 3-G: “I can’t imagine a world without Margo! Really, I can’t. She’ll know if I do.” –Zaratustra

Mark Trail: “Yes, Rusty, maybe tomorrow Catfish will let you into his van and I am not the least bit worried about a total stranger entertaining you in the back of his van.” –Sgt. Stoned

Judge Parker: “Randy, you’re a judge! You can’t go around like that, just freely admitting that you’re as dumb as a bag of hammers. Act judicial, Randy! You’re as dumb as a bag of gavels!” –seismic-2

“I’m not getting an intensive-care-unit vibe from this. I’m not even getting a hospital vibe from this. I’m getting a very-weird-dorm-with-Craftmatic-adjustable-single-beds vibe from this.” –Poteet

Spider-Man: “Daredevil: ‘When it homes in on me, it’ll explode!’ Spidey: ‘Yeah, like it’s all about YOU now, is it?'” –Hogenmogen

9 Chickweed Lane: “Maybe the cow just needs to be orked. I don’t know how you ork a cow, but there must be experts who do that, because I see lots of people online telling stories about their ‘coworkers.’” –Peanut Gallery

“(In an) article about the effects of the budget sequestration on the National Zoo’s ability to feed the animals, there’s a nice picture of the curator who is ‘in charge of these hungry goats as well as the big cats.’ My immediate thought: Feed the hungry goats to the big cats. Because there’s only so much Phantom to go around, know what I mean?” –Lumaca Morente

“And when you are in Mexico can you get me some weed? The guy I get my weed from says that the guy he gets the weed from has gotten out of the marijuana business and is going to start a solar farm instead.” –Liam

Mary Worth: “Cheer up, John. With your book of unattributed, out-of-context bittersweet quotes, it’s like Mary never left your side!” –Inkwell

Hägar the Horrible: “Hagar seems genuinely confused by Grandpa’s ‘over 21’ request. It’s a sex slave, gramps, I think an age of consent doesn’t really matter if the person isn’t consenting in the first place.” –pugfuggly

Phantom: “The Ghost Who Talks Out Loud To Himself assures the audience that he doesn’t normally get clobbered over the head that easily. It’s not like he’s Spider-Man.” –Horace Broon

Spider-Man: “‘Countdown to Zero’. Couldn’t have said it better myself!” –Mibbitmaker

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Mary Worth, 2/24/13, 4/26/12 (panels)

WORST. BALLOON RALLY. EVER.

Spider-Man, 2/24/13

So for two weeks the World’s Slowest Missile has been homing in on Daredevil, only it’s suddenly on a timer? Since it hasn’t come close to hitting its target in all that time, why does Kingpin expect a better result in “Seven seconds — Six –“? I guess the idea is something like, “And then Spidey sees Daredevil, and there’s like a missile, and Kingpin, with a secret lair and, and mumble mumble EXCITING DANGER!!!” Even Narration Box seems confused: “Countdown to Zero!“? Uh, as opposed to what, exactly, N.B.?

Funky Winkerbean, 2/24/13

Do you “have what it takes to be a band director”? Let’s see: Multi-volume-autobiography-writing narcissism? Check! Indifference to the health and self-esteem of your students? Check! Melodramatic, fatuous, incoherent advice? Check! You’re good to go, chippie: see you at next year’s Ohio State Music Educators Association Convention!

Any idea what that last speech-balloon might’ve said before it was tortured to bloody gibbering death? Maybe something like “But if you do, fail from courage, not cowardice”? I mean before the rewrite demons showed up.

Dick Tracy, 2/24/13

You gotta love how Dick Tracy carefully exonerates the locomotive crew from any responsibility for this accident. After all, Sweatbox was driving at dangerously high speed onto an icy overpass. And it was black ice — slipperiest and stealthiest of all the ices! And he was probably dead from that encounter with the steering wheel even before the train hit him, right? Sure, they were accelerating into bad weather to make up time, but the crew even sounded the horn as if to say, “Keep that lovely old Benz off our tracks, wouldya — we’re speedin’ here!”

Do you think the Railroad Police will mount a full and fair investigation — or have they all been corrupted by that sweet “Tracy’s Hall of Fame” gig?

That’s it for me — Josh will be back with Comments of the Week soon (remember, patience is a virtue!), and regular posts starting Monday. Thanks for a fun week!

— Uncle Lumpy

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It’s a shame the way soap strips dispose of incidental characters at the end of their runs. Let’s pay a last visit to a few of them before we lose them forever.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 2/23/13

Oh look, Honey seems to have perked right back up despite her recent gender-identification crisis and a life bereft of love or meaning. I guess that shower was just what she needed!

The Morgans seem stunned that the Beachside Beer Blast for Dolores (a.k.a. “Phoenix Reising”) raised $10,000. How does that work, anyway? We know the party wasn’t B.Y.O. because the girls stockpiled beer in Rex and June’s fridge. “Beach Trash” Brenda Woods (a.k.a. “B.W.”) chipped in $50 — a tad steep for the stripper ‘n’ surfer crowd, but let’s go with it. If $50 is the average, maybe 300 people at 67% gross margin after costs of Bud Lite, Tostitos, and Solo Cups at about $16.50 per head? Sounds plausible. Or maybe they just covered expenses before Neddy dropped in from Judge Parker and laid one of her “allowance” checks on them?

Hägar the Horrible, 2/23/13

Hey, Honey — grab that $10K and buy a ticket to London stat: we found you a Sugar Daddy! And even though the job description is “someone to read to Grampa”, I’ve got a feeling illiteracy isn’t a deal-breaker.

Judge Parker, M.D., 2/23/13

Oh, and that Neddy thing? Could totally happen: she’s on the move, back to Spencer Farms with her mysterious American doctor friend in tow. It’s a shame, though, that we won’t be checking in with the old gang in Paris — loyal manservant Groves, here, his employer Rachel the Cancer Aunt, Cedric the Wonder Butler, or maybe even Sociology Hooker? At least we’ll be spared mopey Jules and his Business Plan.

Mary Worth, 2/23/13

Aboard his Empty Plane to Oblivion, John Dill consoles himself with the Mary Worth Book of Fake Quotations. Seriously John, it’s surprisingly easy to lose something you never had: you might even consider such things “pre-lost”, if that helps you work things out. For example, you never had Mary, and lost her with no effort at all! But if by “hard” you mean “emotionally taxing”, well, let’s just let Dr. Jeff Corey weigh in on that one — he’s got no prospects of having Mary, or losing her either.

— Uncle Lumpy