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They haven’t seen “The Miracle of Life,” but they have seen “Alien”

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Family Circus, 3/5/13

You know, the Family Circus has a reputation for being all about kids being unbearably adorable and cute, but it almost as often focuses on kids being obnoxious, irritating, and unsanitary. Which is pretty much what raising actual kids is like, I guess! Anyway, last week’s running plotline, which now appears to be continuing indefinitely, was that Big Daddy Keane was home sick in bed, and every day the kids annoyed him, and he looked increasingly miserable. In today’s panel the kids appear to have been barred from Daddy’s bedroom, just as they have been barred from even rudimentary information about where babies come from.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 3/5/13

Well, also, you need money to buy things to eat, ride in, and read! But sure, Heather, tell Sarah that money is mostly a way to keep score against other people, that won’t turn out badly at all.

Apartment 3-G, 3/5/13

Ugh, when Margo falls in love it’s the worse. “Yes, I was betrayed by my lover, who was secretly working for my rival and who may have conspired with her to try to kill me, but somehow I can’t get worked up about it.” MURDER, MARGO, YOU SHOULD BE THINKING OF NOTHING BUT MURDER AND VENGEANCE, STOP MOONING OVER GREG AND START PLANNING YOUR KILLING SPREE

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Soup: For filling the awful emotional hole inside you

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Mary Worth, 3/4/13

After a Sunday spent seeing Tom Harpman spilling his guts to Mary with little provocation, now we get to see Mary relating this information to Toby! Pretty thrilling, eh? I guess it is marginally more exciting to see Mary telling things to Toby rather than seeing someone telling things to Mary; the excitement comes in seeing Toby trying and failing to grapple with even basic human emotions, and shifting the conversation back to something she kind of understands: soup.

Blondie, 3/4/13

Convinced that his neighbors have the inside scoop on the upcoming economic collapse, Dagwood is just trying to hoard as much cash as he can. Haha, once rampaging mobs have lynched all the bankers, he’ll never have to pay any of it back!

Crock, 3/4/13

It’s kind of a relief when Crock doesn’t even try to make a joke, am I right?

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You’re next! You’re next!

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Ziggy, 3/3/13

This would just be another “Ha ha, Ziggy is foolish” panel if not for dark bags under Ziggy’s eyes. As it is, it’s pretty harrowing. What botanical horror has been going on at this house, leaving Ziggy unable to flee and yet still fearful of the ever-proliferating zucchini? Is it an Invasion of the Body Snatchers-type situation, where each of those pods contains a gestating duplicate of one of Ziggy’s innumerable pets? Ziggy has been awake for days, knowing that he’ll be replaced by a soulless pod person the moment he dozes off. This exterminator was his last hope. Nobody can help you, Ziggy. Nobody can help you.

Marmaduke, 3/3/13

Luther’s wife’s look of face-melting terror in the fourth panel is one of the most amazing things I’ve seen in this strip in years. Still, her reaction at the end of the strip just goes to show how numb she and her husband have become to presence of the caniform hell-demon in their midst. Better the devil you know than whatever she was imagining, am I right? I mean “devil you know” literally, of course. Marmaduke is the Prince of Lies, and everyone in the neighborhood knows him quite well, having been close enough to him to smell the damned souls on his hot, awful breath.

Marvin, 3/3/13

Speaking of monstrous dogs: would I endorse this monstrous dog eating every single one of the recurring Marvin characters one by one, each of them screaming as they slide down his gullet? Yes, yes I would.