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Apartment 3-G, 3/2/13

Oh hey look, the actor playing James Bond, one of the highest-profile roles in modern movies, is sleeping/“experiencing love” with his publicist, which probably isn’t a violation of any kind of ethical standards, at all! Anyway, if were you wondering what exactly the deal was with Evan and his weird cruel aunt who ran the rival agency he was secretly working for, too bad! It’s all about Margo lying to her new boyfriend about her dead fiance for no good reason now.

Beetle Bailey, 3/2/13

Most ancillary Beetle Bailey characters are created to mock/cash in on/acknowledge the existence of some pop cultural phenomenon that’s already several years old by the time they’re introduced. Rocky was originally meant to symbolize the rock and roll music the kids like so much today, but has since become a sort of general agent of subversiveness. Today’s strip acknowledges that rock music and modern art have a lot in common, in that they’re both plots by angry hipsters to make squares feel stupid.

Heathcliff, 3/2/13

Ha ha, Heathcliff likes to warm up with a few layups, using a dog that’s all stiff and has … blank, lifeless eyes, and … OH MY GOD HEATHCLIFF IS PLAYING BASKETBALL WITH A PUPPY CORPSE

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Greetings, humans! Are you ready for this week’s top comment? Here it is!

“You know why pornos almost never end with the guy just losing his erection and sheepishly meandering off to the beach? This is why.” –Cloudbuster

And the runners up! Very funny!

“‘Mr. Catfish wouldn’t let me get any pictures of Rod’s equipment inside their van!’ OK, now you’re just trolling us, Rusty.” –cisko

“Nothing says you understand the dangers of the Internet like shuffling a stack of papers.” –NoahSnark

“Considering the condo lifestyle? Look no further than scenic Charterstone, where you never have to make your own meals! Stay in your own apartment and keep to yourself, and unofficial ‘welcome wagon’ greeter Mary Worth will force her famous coagulated soup on you! Come to her apartment for a visit, and Mary will insist you try one of her baked potatoes, which you must hold in your hand and eat like an apple! Why would anyone want to live anywhere else?” –Cassandra Cat’s Lawyer

“Thanks to the link, I can see that Margo’s parents are still wearing their overcoats. What kind of people never take off their overcoats? Flashers! Why spend time worrying about Margo when you can go out and be part of a geriatric flasher tag-team?” –nescio

“See, the puppy is looking in from outside, because animals are the ones who are truly free, and we’re the pets, man! We’re all in a pet store of our own maki… okay, I think I figured out what’s in Heathcliff’s pipe.” –Dan

“But you’re reading a print newspaper, and I’m watching a cathode ray television! How is anyone getting more timely information than us?!” –Doctor Handsome

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! To find out more about how you could be thanked in this spot, and more about sponsoring this site’s RSS feed, click here.

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Blondie, 3/1/13

I’m not exactly sure what inside economic information would prompt you to abruptly sell your house. Maybe another housing bubble is going to burst and the neighbors realize they need to get whatever equity they can out of their home now? Maybe total economic and societal collapse is just around the corner and the neighbors know that the suburbs will become violent kill zones as desperate ad hoc gangs forage for food and fuel, so they’re retreating to their heavily fortified countryside bunker? But honestly, if I found out my new neighbors were leaving the neighborhood after six months, I’m not sure that “secret information about the economy” would be really high on my list of suspected reasons why. Hey, Dagwood, have you ever considered that maybe they’re trying to get away from you? That they just can’t handle the omnipresent stench of pastrami and laziness that oozes out of your house and permeates the whole subdivision?

Mary Worth, 3/1/13

An older woman arrives at a young man’s apartment, bearing an enormous bowl of soup. She is resplendent in a purple blazer; he’s in a tatty green robe, unshaven, disheveled, and ill with fever and a phlegmy cough. “Would you like to come in?” he asks. “I’d like that,” she says aloud, and then thinks “Maybe I could help you with more than your cold.” There really is pornography for just about every sexual taste you can imagine.

Luann, 3/1/13

Good news, everybody! We know that Luann isn’t doing anything online that’s “scary” and that should make her parents “concerned”. We know this because Tiffany needled her at school all week about Luann “flirting” with Quill on Skype (HOW DARE TEENAGERS FLIRT WITH EACH OTHER WHAT WHORES) and Luann got really upset about it, which is a sign that she isn’t doing any nasty soul-besmirching flirting, I guess? Anyway, all’s well that ends well, now that Luann is back home opening up to her parents about her emotional life! The whole thing makes her dad want to drown himself.