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Your final reminder that if you’re in or near Baltimore you can see me reading from my novel-in-progress, tonight! I was doing a few tweaks to the chapter I’m reading and added a judicious swear word or two. If that won’t woo you, what will?

Anyway, no matter where you are, you can enjoy this week’s top comment:

“While tied up in the van all Rusty can think is that this is the best fishing trip he’s ever been on with Mark.” –Liam

And the runners up! Very funny!

“By the way, Spidey, seems like your webbing is getting kind of tangled there. Of course, I don’t need webbing to fly between buildings. Nope, just me and my senses. Did I mention that I don’t need vision, either? Oh, you knew that. Well, let’s just switch over to our civilian lives and see who’s better at catching crooks. Oh, right, still me.” –BigTed

“‘Matt Murdock? BUT THAT’S YOUR CIVILIAN ID!’ bellows the Amazing Spider-man, apparently deciding that the only way he’s going to be allowed to go back to watching tv on the couch and failing to catch super villains is if he gets the actually competent superhero murdered.” –bunivasal

“Q: Why did Vincent Van Gogh choose to become a painter? A: TO GET LAID” –Chyron HR

“So, you guys got into your super hero costumes and went jumping around the city, just so you could determine that no superheros were needed, only lawyers? Couldn’t you have just talked about this in a cafe or something? No really I’m serious, Spiderman hasn’t eaten anything in days and I am really worried about him.” –Holly Folly

Judge Parker: “Yeah, we know, ‘Blah, blah, blah, I’m rich, blah, blah.’ When does the train return to Hooterville?” –Erich Clapton

“The spelling ‘skool’ common among ‘free schooling’ and ‘unschooling’ proponents seeking to quickly signal their outsider brand of no-teachers, no-classes, no-homework education (which makes sense when you recall that this particular ant is the only child of a monogamous pair of adult ants who apparently rejected the hive-mind, and not one of thousands of drones born of a single queen and put to work right away). That this particular ‘skool’ in question utilizes retro-desks and pop quizzes means that ironic appreciation is one of the skool’s areas of focus.” –Herr Kommissar Denny

“Rudy the waiter has the sort of creepy facial expression which gives you the sense that it never changes, whether he’s delivering a caesar salad to your table or swinging an axe at your skull.” –Chareth Cutestory

“Woah, Alan! Last of the big spenders! I’ll tell ya what, folks, there’s nothing more exciting than watching two rich guys order lunch.” –Here Comes the Judge

“I love the nonchalance with which Archie approaches the whole science project concept. ‘I performed a study on the mass of the Higgs boson. What did you do?’ ‘Oh, I brought a couple of hamsters. I found them out by the dumpster. Or maybe they are rats. Whatever. I’m going to spend my life working at a gas station anyway.'” –Nekrotzar

“Oops, that’s the Judge in panel three, isn’t it? This may sound racist, but if I can’t see the Reed Richards hair, I can’t really tell smug white dickheads apart.” –Doctor Handsome

“There is no way that commenting on June’s waffle-filled thought balloon will ever get repetitive, not if it keeps being talked about until the heat death of the universe.” –Ratiocinator

“I would like anyone who has ever tried running and/or jumping over a fallen tree while wearing a pair of flippers on their feet to share their story of that experience with us.” –Illustrator Steve

“Hey, remember that scene at the end of E.T. where the alien is sick, and his skin turns that dusty white and his eyes bug out? Just thought I’d bring that up for no reason at all.” –pugfuggly

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! And as always, we must give thanks to our advertisers:

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Mark Trail, 3/29/13

The current Mark Trail plot has ended as most of them do, in violence, so let us take a moment to pause and acknowledge that fact. Yes, Mark has yet to unleash his Fists o’ Justice™, and perhaps they will remain sheathed for the duration of this storyline, but the Flying Tackle of Fury® is also a venerable Trailian tradition, and respect must be paid, even if “tradition” might kind of be code for “there is one ancient original Mark Trail drawing of someone tackling someone else at the waist, and it’s just been endlessly photocopied and traced over the course of the decades.”

Mary Worth, 3/29/13

Meanwhile, what in the name of all that is holy is happening to Elinor’s face — nay, her whole head — in panel one? It’s like she can’t be satisfied with just faking some ailment to nip her daughter’s chances of romantic happiness in the bud; she’s going to actually will herself into a stroke using the power of sheer hatred, with the unsettling resulting skull distortion we can all see, much to our horror.

Family Circus, 3/29/13

Aww, isn’t that cute! The Keanes are using Billy to run a Social Security disability benefits scam!

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 3/28/13

Rex and June may have forever left the land of magical stripper fights behind them, but there’s still the embryonic Morgan-spawn gestating in her womb, which I guess will be the fulcrum of however many Rex Morgan plots make up seven or eight months of strip time. Today’s fun: did you know that ladies who are pregnant crave certain foods, like waffles, even when, as we learned yesterday, the only waffle mix in the house expired more than a year ago? June is completely mesmerized by this ancient box of not-quite-shelf-stable-enough powdered breakfast, which should have hilarious results as she attends this afternoon’s lecture. (“Picking up on these subtle indicators could help medical professionals intervene in a domestic violence situation before it becomes deadly, and … yes, Nurse Morgan? Do you have a question?” [CUT TO: JUNE SITTING IN BACK ROW, HER FACE COVERED IN RANCID WAFFLE MIX, EYES WILD LIKE THE COCAINE-CRAZED TONY MONTONA IN SCARFACE])

Funky Winkerbean, 3/28/13

Ever since Funky Winkerbean began its Turn To Serious Art And By Serious Art We Mean Disease And Addiction And Death, it’s often featured multi-day or even multi-week story arcs. This week, though, the strip has returned to its gag-a-day, high-school-antics roots. For instance, today’s strip, in which Les is a smug dick to his entire class for no reason, has no larger narrative context, but is just sort of a discrete lump of unpleasantness.

Dennis the Menace and Family Circus, 3/28/13

Wow, Dennis, you got outmenaced by Jeffy. I think you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.