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Rex Morgan, M.D., 1/3/13

There was a certain amount of of complaining around here yesterday about a plot point that I failed to bring up in my year-end review: namely, that Rex and June have succeeded in creating an embryonic human, presumably with their naughty bits. The reason I ignored this is because there wasn’t anything super funny about the way it was presented, but I am sort of intrigued by how subtly giddy the prospect of renewed fatherhood is making Rex. I have only vague memories of who “Melissa” is — I’m pretty sure she’s the cranky old lady who we met like three plot twists ago, who owns the building that her grandson is letting strippers have sexy cancer fundraisers in. Maybe she’ll help out! Maybe human beings are basically good! We’ll never know unless we ask! Who wants more margaritas! Oh wait I guess I’m drinking for two now, aren’t I June! Ha ha ha!

The unexplained tight-shirted lady wandering through the foreground panel one is a good example of why stripper storylines are a harsh mistress. You’ve committed to a boobtastic plot now; sure, your narrative might demand that you spend a little time away from Chez Exotic Dancer, but your readers know what they want, and they want women with prominent breasts.

Shoe, 1/3/13

They say that literature can make you feel like you’ve visited exotic places you’ve never been to, and it’s certainly true that, thanks to its recurrent appearance as a locale in Shoe, I feel very familiar with a certain category of terribly sad fern bar circa 1979 or so. Just look at those three faces in panel one, emotionally deadened in various harrowing ways; the fact that the bird-man on the right is talking about a botched suicide attempt should certainly come as no surprise to anyone.

Mary Worth, 1/3/13

Oh, I’m sorry Mr. Dill, did you think you were in charge of your own entry in this cake-design contest? Well, you aren’t. You asked for Mary’s help, and when you ask for Mary’s help, you do it Mary’s way.

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Archie, 1/2/13

This sick burn on Mannequin 2: On The Move and/or soulless corporate control of all media was probably more pointed back when the strip first ran in the early ’90s, when Mannequin 2: On The Move was a recent memory and we hadn’t yet resigned ourselves to soulless corporate control of all media.

Crankshaft, 1/2/13

The sad, love-starved souls in the Funkyverse think that gently resting your back against somebody else’s back qualifies as “cuddling.”

Heathcliff, 1/2/13

Heathcliff’s owner has lost a bet to his cat, and because they’re not allowed to bet for money, he’s now subject to humiliation and physical abuse on his own front lawn.

Shoe, 1/2/13

Biz’s old buddy Zeke is going to die soon.

Ziggy, 1/2/13

Ziggy is sick and tired of working so hard to prevent his animal friends from killing each other.

Marmaduke, 1/2/13

Translation: WWHOORRRR WHOOORRRRORRR HORROR HORROR KILL KILL I WORSHIP THE DEMON BLOOD GOD BELOW

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YOU GUYS, every year when I come back from my Christmastime voyage I’m all like “I’m just going to quickly look over the continuity strips from the past week to make sure I didn’t miss the 45 seconds of Judge Parker strip-time in which something happens,” but then every year I end up finding a slate of delightful nonsense that I feel compelled to share with you all. So before I get to today’s strips (in another post), here’s what you might have missed if, like me, you took a comics vacation over the past ten days or so.

Panel from Apartment 3-G, 12/24/12

Greg Cooper, the next actor to play James Bond and thus one of the most visible and famous movie stars in the world, got dissed on Christmas by his own mom.

Family Circus, 12/25/12

Over at the Keane Kompound, unto us an extremely smug savior was born.

Panel from Mark Trail, 12/26/12

Otto decided not to take Mark and Bill Ellis’s ransom money, but will instead force Mark to lobby on his pirate kingdom’s behalf, in violation of the Foreign Agents Registration Act.

Panel from Spider-Man, 12/26/12

Spider-Man, a superhero with powers beyond those of ordinary mortals, was disabled with a quick blow to the back of the head, something that’s happened to him on multiple occasions.

Panels from Gil Thorp, 12/28/12

Oh, yeah, there’s a Gil Thorp basketball-season plot happening, I guess! It involves this basketball player, Scott, who is sad (and therefore not as good at basketball as he should be, which is the most important thing, obviously) because his little brother “Jay-Bird” died of leukemia. I had a brief hope that the horrible noise in this final panel was little Jay-Bird bursting out of his grave to feast on living flesh, but instead it was just a mysterious peacock that only Scott can see, which may in fact be Jay-Bird’s soul, which has come back to this mortal realm in bird form to feast on living flesh.

Panels from Funky Winkerbean, 12/29/12

Cayla and Les are already pretty sick of each other’s company, to nobody’s surprise.

Panels from Judge Parker, 12/30/12

In Judge Parker, Sam Driver shows that he knows the golden rule of lawyering: snitches get stitches.

Panel from Apartment 3-G, 12/31/12

Back in Apartment 3-G, Evan has finally revealed himself for what he truly is! …which appears to be a member of some kind of medieval craft guild, I guess?

Panel from Mary Worth, 12/31/12

John Dill’s entry has been accepted into the Santa Royale cake contest, and the excitement appears to have caused a massive stroke event.

Curtis, 1/1/13

Oh, right, Kwanzaa! This year’s nutty Curtis Kwanzaa tale involves an African village where an evil never-seen witch makes all the handsome young men mysteriously disappear when they reach marriageable age. Our hero, Maya, awakes in her lair only to discover that, despite evil witch stereotypes, she’s actually pretty sexy. “Well, uh, you’re not rich!” says Maya, but then she demonstrates that she has piles of gold and an elephant servant. “Hmm, tell me more,” says Maya.