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Crankshaft, 11/1/12

They say that if you live long enough you’ll experience just about everything, and so here it is: A Crankshaft I laughed at unironically. I think it’s Crankshaft’s look of genuine surprise in the final panel that really does it for me. What do you think he’s worried about more: that Rose found his blog, where writes hundreds of words a day alternately railing against the other members of his household and making terrible puns, or that Rose found his elaborately nesting folders of bookmarked scat porn?

Rex Morgan, M.D., 11/1/12

Speaking of hilarious third-panel facial expressions, what you’re looking at here is Rex’s involuntary grimace whenever someone uses the word “friend.” The concept involves spending time with other human beings, treating them as equals, listening to things they say, and trying not to look irritated — all things Rex hates, obviously. “I never thought I’d say this, but how can I get away from this guy and get back to the house with all the stripper ladies?”

Gil Thorp, 11/1/12

Gil Thorp: Still about two kids trying to make an new Irish student a superstar, for some reason, and now also about Beech Street, and how it rules, or maybe “Beech Street rules,” whatever those are! But what really grabbed my attention today is the poor young woman in the second panel, who appears to just be resting an enormous sandwich against her mouth instead of eating it. Is this her way of faking normalcy to cover up for a terrible but all-too-common eating disorder? Get help, girl!

Archie, 11/1/12

OH MY GOODNESS SOME PEOPLE SPEAK AND READ CHINESE IT’S CRAAAAAAZY

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Mary Worth, 10/31/12

“So, wait, Mary, you’re asking me if I’m ‘OK’ that my new crush is physically attracted to me because I look uncannily like his dead sister, who is dead, and also was his sister? YES OBVIOUSLY I AM OK WITH THAT!!! You know the thing that I dread more than anything in the world is being dumped, and if Jim loves me because I look like his beloved dead sister, why, he couldn’t ever stand to lose her again, could he? Come on, Mary, help me find pictures of her online so I can start dressing more like her.”

(Also, follow that link above to discover that the Great Dumpening that started this whole storyline happened in mid-May, which means that this joyride of Dawn-misery has gone on for more than six months. And not that it hasn’t been great, but … what do you think Toby and Ian are up to, you think?)

Judge Parker, 10/31/12

“What am I going to do with a chainsaw, boss?” asks the thuggish hillbilly minion. “You’re going to use it for its intended purpose,” replied his boss, a violent drug lord whose empire was under risk of exposure, “which is to say that you’re going to cut up a fallen tree so as to prevent damage to our friend and future business partner’s expensive and impractical automobile!” RIP CHAINSAW DISMEMBERMENT STORYLINE, YOU WERE TOO BEAUTIFUL TO BE REAL

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Pluggers, 10/30/12

You know, before I read the caption, I thought I had this one figured out — “pluggers are friendly and helpful, and also spend so much time at their local home improvement big box store that they know where everything is,” or something along those lines. So you can imagine that I was surprised and delighted to discover that it was actually about how pluggers are just stone cold constantly doing their business in public restrooms to the extent that they have elaborate mental maps of where they can go do it. Do pluggers have lower GI or urinary continence problems that cause them to routinely be on the prowl for a publicly accessible toilet? Are their home bathrooms so gross that they actually prefer to go in a facility that they can be reasonably sure is mopped once a day? Or do they get a sick transgressive thrill out of it? Whatever the case, this is sadly one of the most interesting plugger quirks showcased to date.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 10/30/12

Oh, hey, Rex Morgan sex worker update: the fun gals at Junior’s apartment building are strippers, not prostitutes. Strippers with hearts of gold, though, tending to and raising money for one of their number who (we learned yesterday) is suffering from breast cancer. Actually presenting a breast cancer storyline seems like a much more natural and organic way for the comics to acknowledge Breast Cancer Awareness Month than, say, just putting pink on everything, though it says a lot about the pacing of soap opera strips that this only became clear on October 29th. Will Rex do an emergency breast-cancer-ectomy, being a scowling dick about the whole thing all the while?

Mark Trail, 10/30/12

Speaking of strippers, check out Mark easing out of shirt in panel three as he prepares to cleanse himself in this pirate island’s beautiful lagoon, all under Pop’s watchful eye! This would definitely be the sexiest Mark Trail yet, were it not for the known scientific fact that Mark Trail is where erotic feelings go to die.