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Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/8/12

Ha ha, Rex, even when you’re sort of doing the right thing, you’re being a dick! I’d like to think that he let a long, unpleasant silent moment go by after saying “It’s already gone, Iris! I cashed it on the way home,” just so everyone could imagine what was coming next — “I bought $25,000 worth of wax for that powerboat that we were just randomly given three or four storylines back” — before finally admitting that he’s giving it back to Iris and Foster’s body, because honestly, what would Rex even do with a paltry five-figure sum, am I right? Nice of him to throw some money at Mabel so she isn’t bankrupted by the false criminal charges against her, but isn’t the reason she was so desperate about the money is that she’s been saddled with all of Foster’s old gambling debts? Too bad for her, Foster needs the fanciest coffin money can buy, and Iris needs to pay a guerrilla marketing agency to “build buzz” for her film script! Look, she’s already posing for her publicity photo.

Meanwhile, good job on everyone concerned for not considering the tax consequences here: A $25,000 inheritance would have been well below the threshold for the estate tax, but it’s high enough to trigger the gift tax, so some of that money’s going to Uncle Sam. Note that when I say “good job” I’m not being sarcastic. I’d much rather this money be spent on corn subsidies and sacrilegious art and flying death robots than on whatever any of these clowns have planned for it.

Panels from Dennis the Menace, 7/8/12

In these throwaway panels, Dennis may not actually be menacing, but at least he’s giving off a pretty menacing vibe. He’s practicing for true menace later on, like when he sassily responds to criticism by waggling a pistol or severed hand or something.

Panel from Mary Worth, 7/8/12

By popular demand, Mary Worth brings you “Wilbur Weston: The Total Immersive Experience.” Sadly, comics technology has not yet advanced to the point where you can smell him, so you’ll have to take our word for it that he’s redolent of scalp polish and ham.

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Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 7/7/12

Trust me, old people: Young people think they don’t want to hear about you having sex, but what they really don’t want to hear about is how you actually lost interest in sex years ago, and someday they will too.

Crankshaft, 7/7/12

Ha ha, Crankshaft thinks he can hide his plans from the all-knowing Deity! Look, Crankshaft, it’s not like God wants to know about your innermost thoughts and feelings, as they’re no doubt extremely distasteful. But unfettered access to your soul is just one of the burdens of omnipotence.

Marmaduke, 7/7/12

Aww, this scene is so sweet and romantical that I’m not even going to do my usual “Marmaduke is a Lovecraftian demon from below hell” shtick with it. But I do want to point out that Marmaduke’s neighbors are dogsex-lovin’ perverts.

Mary Worth, 7/7/12

Oh my goodness, if Wilbur and Dawn’s Italian cruise ends like this, this Mary Worth storyline will truly be the most amazing in recent memory.

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While we in the northeast prepare for further heatpocalypse, I offer you your comment of the week.

“I don’t know … maybe you’re process servers! Or maybe you’re here to steal my limited-edition Droopy Dawg bookend.” –Esther Blodgett

And the runners up! Very funny!

“I just want to know who Smokey and his lover are burying. Only YOU can prevent exposure of your dirty little secrets.” –LUJBEM FEJF

“So which will come first: Nina’s baby or Luann’s first orgasm? Yep, I went there and now you can’t unthink it. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” –Apeman

“What travel brochure just shows a random road? ‘Have a nice relaxing stay on Highway 42!'” –Dartpaw86

“Why do I get the feeling that this isn’t the first time Tommie has thought, ‘There is another way, but I’m totally inexperienced’? It wouldn’t surprised me if she has it stitched into a sampler.” –Pozzo

“Come on, Dawn, don’t you realize that Italian cuisine is famous primarily for its fresh vegetables? It’s not as if you can find fresh vegetables back home in California.” –Samuel PG

“Look, Tommie. You’re never going to learn if you don’t try. What’s the worst that can happen: your client and her baby dead on the floor of a Manhattan apartment with a major trauma center only a few blocks away, that’s all. So you have to make some mistakes, but that’s how you get better. I think it was Thomas Edison who said, ‘Yes, I invented the medical X-Ray machine. But no one talks about the fact that I poisoned dozens, including my loyal assistant to get there.’ So I say go for it!” –geekwhisperer

“The United States flag has 5 rows of 6 stars and 4 rows of 5 stars (5×6+4×5=50). The flag does NOT have 10 rows of 5 stars, except in the police state that Dick Tracy pledges allegiance to.” –Mysterion

“I forgive you for acting like a jealous nincompoop. I still need time to come to terms with you being such an indolent limpdick moocher, though.” –Doctor Handsome

“I hope Giorgio turns out to be Mary Worth in an elaborate latex mask.” –Drew Funk

“I’d always thought that ‘bighorn’ were a type of peaceful and cute mountain dwelling sheep. In fact their appearance in the Lost Forest is apparently a semi-annual terror-fest. ‘I wish Mark was here … We could go take pictures of the bighorn as they come down the mountain to feed … on brains and human flesh'” –Inkler

I must thanks to all who put some cash into my tip jar! And we must give thanks to our advertisers:

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