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Ziggy, 5/28/12

I guess Ziggy is supposed to be sitting on an old-fashioned wrought-iron chair, of the sort that you might find in an old-timey ice cream shops that will serve delicious, life-affirming sundaes. Still, I still prefer my initial take on this panel, which was that Ziggy has a tube attached to the back of his neck, pumping him full of who knows what. “…what a difference a sundae makes! Along with massive amounts of morphine! For a brief moment, I don’t yearn for the sweet release of death!”

Apartment 3-G, 5/28/12

When we last checked in with our fabulously wealthy lovelorn couple, Margo had advised Scott to stop pursuing Nina, letting her realize for herself that she really needed the man who browbeat her into having a baby and then smooched someone else. Naturally, Scott has interpreted this to mean that he should move into Nina’s father’s house, where Nina herself fled specifically to get away from him! Nina’s dad shows what being a good parent is all about by being totally into this idea. Since Nina can’t trust her father, her husband, or her erstwhile friend Margo whom her husband was canoodling with, it looks like she’ll have no choice but to flee into the arms of … Tommie? Ha ha, no, nobody could possibly be that desperate.

Blondie, 5/28/12

I’m pretty sure that Popeye is a “sailor” in the sense of being a crewman on a sea-going vessel, not in the sense of being an enlisted man in the U.S. Navy. And yet he dares to enjoy generosity meant for our armed forces, while real heroes like Sgt. Snorkel and Pvt. Bailey slink away in disgust. Why does Popeye hate America?

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Dennis the Menace, 5/27/12

At first glance, this cartoon might seem to take place in a post apocalyptic lull. What has wiped out all the other humans in Dennis’s neck of the woods? Plague? Zombies? Do the living dead wander the streets of Dennis’s hometown, feasting on the flesh of the living, with Dennis staying alive due only to his own cunning and menace, and keeping Joey safe to have someone to talk to? But Dennis’s statement in the final panel paints an even more chilling scenario, and explains his incessant mishcief-making. Dennis exists in an empty world that only responds to his misbehavior, summoning up shadowy figures to scold him. It is only through menace that he can provoke a response from the universe. It is only through menace that he can be saved from terrible, endless loneliness.

Mary Worth, 5/27/12

“Dawn, don’t dwell on it … if you miss this bus, you’ll catch another! You see, each young man in your life is like a bus. They’re long and hard, and they come by on a fairly regular schedule, and whenever one arrives, you can ride it for a while, though you have to respect the fact that sometimes it reaches the end of its route before you’ve reached your destination, and sometimes other people want to ride the bus too. But they’re all pretty much alike, and you need to ride as many as you can if you want to get anywhere. Wait, where are you going? Is this metaphor making you uncomfortable? I’m just talking about riding young men as if they’re buses!”

Panel from Spider-Man, 5/27/12

Would you like to see Spider-Man almost slam crotch-first into a gargoyle? Here, here’s Spider-Man almost slamming crotch-first into a gargoyle.

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 5/26/12

Oh my goodness, has anything in the comics ever been as delightful as Rex and June’s facial expressions in panel one of this strip? June at least looks concerned, if comically so; Rex, on the other hand, is heaving what must be the loudest, most dickish sigh of all time. “Can’t we please,” he seems to be asking, “have just one funeral in this town that doesn’t devolve into a trans-generational drunken catfight? Please?”

I love Rex and June’s facial expressions SO MUCH that that I’ve decided to revive an ancient (yes, five years ago is “ancient,” on the Internet) Comics Curmudgeon tradition: a comics panel lookalike contest! You might recall the finger-quotin’ Margo and self-clubbing Tyler lookalike contests; now it’s time for a Hilariously Overwrought Rex and June Facial Expression Lookalike contest! Here, here’s a close-up of the panel:

Take a photo of you and a friend imitating Rex and June here (no need to include Iris and Mabel, but feel free if you think its important for your take on the tableau) and send éem to me at bio@jfruh.com. The top entry will be arbitrarily chosen by me and whatever friends or family members I rope into helping me pick, and wins … eternal glory? Sure, let’s say that. Eternal glory PLUS your choice of one item from the Comics Curmudgeon merch store, which yes, still exists, even though I haven’t updated it in a long time. Go forth and look like that panel, everybody! Points for style, execution, amusing variations, etc.! I am not legally responsible if you sprain your face trying to match Rex and June’s expressions.

Blondie, 5/26/12

How much more out of touch from today’s cultural zeitgeist can these legacy comics gets. Everyone knows today’s younger adults are way too marketing-savvy to be interested in some flashy redesigned cereal box. Instead, they go gaga for retro cereal box design, like the recent throwback Captain Crunch boxes with the original character design by Rocky & Bullwinkle creator Jay Ward and oh my God I want that cereal I want it I WANT IT.

Spider-Man, 5/26/12

“Mammon Theater,” you say? Now the true nature of this storyline is clear. Picture Perfect represents the kind of safe, commercial, money-making Broadway hit that’s brushing aside live theater’s unique ability to challenge the audience and foment social change, instead turning the stage into just another entertainment venue. Hardy Laurel’s attempts to expand theatergoers’ minds with his absurdist, Dada-esque improvisations have been brushed aside in the quest for profits; now he’ll wreak a terrible revenge … for art’s sake.