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Judge Parker, 6/7/12

Man, even the hoariest of soaps still retain their ability to surprise once in a while! I mean, yes, we all could have predicted that Sam and Avery would be driving out to their impromptu rich guy fishing vacation in the most vulgar and stupid vehicle imaginable. But would anyone have guessed from the squicky interactions between Avery and Peaches that the nubile Gal Friday who’s forced to wear some kind of retro micro-mini-skirted form-fitting stewardess uniform is actually her boss’s daughter? Fun question for contemplation: would it actually be less gross if Avery weren’t Peaches actual father, with “Dad” just being some kind of icky lover’s nickname?

Archie, 6/7/12

I was going to mock the typical “Prices were lower in the past, due to the well-understood economic reality of inflation” oldsterism on display here, but then I decided that if Archie’s dad is so determinedly nostalgic that he insists on going grocery shopping in that hat, I guess I’ll let him have his fun.

Dennis the Menace, 6/7/12

Merging your ostensibly monotheistic theology with belief in various minor folk deities? Belief that Almighty God keeps track of the exchange of grubby human money like some kind of omnipotent accountant? Enh, menacing enough to pass, I guess.

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Hi and Lois, 6/6/12

There’s really something quite poignant about today’s Hi and Lois. I mean, don’t we all to various degrees believe that, if only we achieve a goal that’s within sight, everything in our lives will get better? If only I got that raise, I wouldn’t be in debt all the time (never mind that your spending tends to expand to match your salary). If only I would fall in love with someone, I wouldn’t be so unhappy (never mind that long-term relationships take work and aren’t just a “happily ever after” fairy-tale ending). If only I weren’t an infant, if only my neuromuscular systems were coordinated enough to allow walking, why, I would be like an all-powerful god! Nothing would be denied me! Never mind that once you know how to walk, you’re expected to walk, with your parents refusing to just carry you all over. Plus Australia is thousands of miles away and surrounded by water. Basically, walking’s for suckers, kid, enjoy infancy while it lasts.

Hagar the Horrible, 6/6/12

Here’s a fun fact: Despite the fact that the Huns ruled a huge empire that dominated central Europe for decades, the Hunnic language was never recorded; the illiterate Huns used Romans as secretaries, who corresponded with other states in Latin and Greek. All we have of Hunnic are personal names and three nouns — not enough to even firmly place what language family it belonged to, let alone translate complex concepts like “surrendering.” Another fun fact: the Huns themselves were a relatively elite group within a multi-ethnic state; in battle, the Huns would have ridden on horseback, as that was the skill that allowed them such military success, and any foot soldiers like the ones depicted here would probably have come from subject peoples, like the Goths or Slavs. Yet another fun fact: the Hunnic empire broke up hundreds and hundreds of years before the advent of the Viking age. Today’s Hagar the Horrible is less historically accurate than I would have liked, is what I’m getting at.

Beetle Bailey, 6/6/12

Apparently General Halftrack’s decades of senility and incompetence have just been a front, covering up his now successful plan to seize control of the U.S. in a bloody coup and rule as military dictator.

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Judge Parker, 6/5/12

That’s quite the sly and sinister expression Sam’s sporting in the final panel there … almost as if he’s thinking “With the contract signed and the money on its way to Alan’s bank account, I can take these saps up to the Old Cherry Creek Lodge at Payton Crossing, where I dispose of the dismembered bodies of all of my victims! Abbey, please make a note of their names on my ceremonial Clipboard of the Doomed.”

Actually, “The Old Cherry Creek Lodge at Payton Crossing” sounds like a ghastly faux-rustic luxury condo building in a meticulously landscaped and completely soulless exurban development, which, if you think about it, is exactly the sort of place where Sam would stash corpse parts if he were a serial killer.

Spider-Man, 6/5/12

Meanwhile, I love the expression of pure joy on the face of … whoever that is with the microphone in panel two. The broad shoulders and brush-cut imply that he’s a sportscaster who’s been assigned to cover theater as some kind of punishment, and over the course of the first act he was horrified to learn that you’re not expected to or even allowed to offer a stream of loud running patter about a play the way you do at football games. But now something interesting is happening! Something you’re allowed to talk, or at least, whisper, about!

Mary Worth, 6/5/12

Wilbur’s editor is maintaining a poker face, but you know that it was really difficult for him to not dissolve into giggles while saying “Did you fall in love with someone new?” I mean, he’s probably been on the verge of hysterics from the minute Wilbur walked in wearing that suit.

Six Chix, 6/5/12

Ho ho! Turns out Larry’s bad at sex!