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The weekend can’t really start without your comment of the week, right?

“If one wasn’t familiar with Jack’s oeuvre, you might just think he’s a rabid pro-smoking activist. ‘Somebody’s trying to leave Flavor Country in my neck of the woods? NOT ON MY WATCH!'” –Jason

And then there are the runners up! Very funny!

“‘Dad, I’m already upset enough — why are you slapping me in the arm?!’ ‘Because it’ll be a love tap compared to what’ll happen if Worth finds out you’re giving up on LOOOOVE, honey. God, the woman’s insufferable!'” –Mibbitmaker

“Did that teddy bear break out in a smile between panels? ‘Do it! The world is ending, Dawn — nothing matters anymore! I have a gun!'” –Nate

“And do you have any other good news for me, Howie and Carm? I’m still waiting for that first-born you owe me.” –LP2004

“Really, Funky Winkerbean? I don’t want to hear the words ‘turn on’ in any of your strips unless they are followed by the words ‘the oven and stick your head in it.'” –Bootsy

“Now Peter is really concerned, because he remembers how things turned out with Captain America. The early euphoria, the awkward sex, the lingering shame, the gradual loss of contact. And they can’t afford for MJ to lose her job over this. Better go take a nap and ruminate on it a bit.” –Ulysses Pornstache III

“Dagwood is concerned that his extremely square son might be in over his head in the world of DIY punk. When he learns that the boy is, instead, merely a consumerist sheep, he knows that he should feel relieved, but he just feels hollow and confused. ‘What have I raised?’ he wonders. ‘Is this just the times? If that haircut isn’t ironic, what is it?'” –Meeskite

“‘Ha ha, good one, Dad!’ No. Not a good one. Not a good one at all.” –Blaise Marcoux

“Nothing says ‘happiest days of our lives’ quite like grayscale balloons.” –Nekrotzar

“I have never seen a teacher so jazzed about being appreciated as Mr. Green.” –Mumblix Grumph

“We call it the Tranquility Room because it’s the only room in the building where the walls aren’t painted that godawful burnt orange.” –Francisco Arrowroot

“Dawn, I hope you know it’s nothing personal. I just like my women blonde and sleeveless.” –GDBenz

“Pluggers apparently need, like, 6 pages of obits. They die in so many ways!” –Chris B

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Judge Parker, 5/25/12

It’s nice to know that I can do my best to come up with a ludicrously favorable plot outcome for a Judge Parker hero and still undershoot things. See, I thought that Avery Blackstone would sign off on Sam’s unduly generous and hastily written contract proposals only after Sam proved his fly-fishing prowess, when in fact Avery is so eager to spend some dude time with Sam that he’s willing to just skip the hard-hitting negotiations that are the entirety of his job duties. Presumably, once the two of them head down to a trout-filled brook, one of their flies will snag on the handle of a suitcase half-buried in the stream bed. They’ll pull it out and open it, find millions of dollars in bundled hundreds, and laugh and laugh and laugh.

Mark Trail, 5/25/12

“Plus, I suppose, emotionally devastated, world falling apart, blah blah blah. I don’t know her very well, so I can’t say for sure that she has basic human emotions.”

Mary Worth, 5/25/12

“But wait, Dawn, I wanted to show you my latest invention — half ham sandwich, half Pop-Tart. I call it a Meat-Tart! Instead of frosting, it has mayonnaise!”

Ziggy, 5/25/12

In the post-apocalyptic future, the dwindling supplies of food are under the control of warlords and their gangs, and these thugs won’t accept the dead government’s fiat money in payment. They’ll only take payment in ammo and sex, and Ziggy is out of luck on both counts.

Six Chix, 5/25/12

The American judicial system’s hidden crisis: horny old ladies.

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Apartment 3-G, 5/24/12

Oh, say, what’s been going on in History’s Greatest Love Story, the tale of Nina and Scott Gaines? Well, Scott is determined to win back Nina’s love, and has decided that the best way to do that is to spend all his free time hanging out with the woman he was caught smooching, in a wacky misunderstanding of a totally innocent moment drunken face-mashing. Margo, whose plans to derive sexual pleasure from Scott have been stymied, now decides to try to extract some money from him instead, in the form of lucrative fees for her shoddy PR services. Scott is cartoonishly wealthy person, but there’s never been evidence that he’s ever done anything interesting enough for the rumor mill to take notice of, though that may soon change now that the woman he’s rumored to be having an affair with has suddenly been put on his payroll.

I don’t want to tell Margo how to do her job (really, I don’t, men have been killed for less), but if I were Scott’s PR manager, my first bit order of business would be to forbid him from leaving the house in a turtleneck/sports jacket combo (aka “the Robert Wagner”) ever again.

Mark Trail, 5/24/12

Wow, we’re all pretty hard on Mark for his inability to understand the motivations of humans or love his wife or talk as if he weren’t a soulless mandroid. But is it possible that he exhibits those behaviors only because he focuses all his mental energy on collecting seemingly insignificant bits of information and sifting through them like a Sherlock Holmes-style supersleuth? Ha ha, obviously not, we all know Mark is a moron. Anyway, since the mystery of Who Killed The Guy Mark’s Friend Gene Certainly Didn’t Kill is now solved (SPOILER: IT IS THE DEAD MAN’S WIFE, WHOM WE MET EARLIER THIS WEEK AND WHO IS OBVIOUSLY SHADY AND PROBABLY RECENTLY QUIT SMOKING, JUST YOU WAIT) maybe we can focus on the brutal murder of that innocent bird, which is going on in plain sight of Mark as he natters on about gum wrappers.

Pluggers, 5/24/12

Pluggers refuse to acknowledge that everyone they’ve ever known and loved is dying. “Gizmo isn’t dead, do you hear me? James M. Smith, Jr., that man in the coffin — I’ve never heard of him. I can call up my old buddy Gizmo and talk to him anytime I want. Don’t feel like doing it just now, but it’s good knowing that I can.”

Mary Worth, 5/24/12

ROMANCE TIP: You need to give your ex a little time before inviting her to have a three-way with you and your new girlfriend.