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Let us waste no time in sending you off into your weekend, COTW-style!

“Dawn Weston got dumped by e-mail? Is this 1998? The modern young person dumps a mate by pinning pics of dead flowers, rotting fish, and a lolcat saying ‘It’s over!’ to their Pinterist page.” –Ed Dravecky

The runners up — also extremely hilarious!

“To investigate this crime thoroughly, Mark will need to go to both Gene’s fishing camp and to the victim’s as well. But maybe he was actually shot by yet a third rival? Better check out all the fishing camps, throughout the entire northern part of the state! Of course, to alleviate suspicion of what he’s doing there, Mark will have to go undercover by actually renting a boat and going fishing, at each site. Boy, won’t Mark have some great tales to share with Rusty when he gets home!” –seismic-2

“It appears that Gene is about to give Mark a noogie and Mark is trying to give Gene a reach around wedgie. This is the way guys greet one another. In prison.” –LoFoMoFo

“So right after ‘Get Up, Stand Up’, the radio starts to play Marley’s ‘Smoke Two Joints’. Snuffy keeps the funky dance, miming smoking a huge doobie. Because that’s totally in character, right? If this strip isn’t an insane drug vision, I’ve been reading it wrong for four decades.” –Hogenmogen

“Yes, now that Gina’s ponytail is finally going to disappear (please please), Nina’s collar will replace it in my nightmares.” –Poteet

“I do hope that Bobby and Gina have Mary back for each life decision they make to heap adulation on her again and again. ‘I know that many of you think that this new upstairs bathroom was made possible by Home Designs Ltd, but really it was Mary Worth! She made it all possible! Let us toast to her and that small pewter dish of soaps shaped like a scallop shell!'” –geekwhisperer

“It’s not Dawn. Wilbur’s toilet finally has had enough.” –imperturbe

“I suspect Dawn finally discovered Wilbur’s secret folder filled with a myriad of sandwich-related pornography.” –sporknpork

“It seems the Bum Boat’s ‘senior menu’ simply consists of putting a regular menu item in a blender, for ease of gumming and digesting.” –Perky Bird

“Oh, God … NO! Local trout have achieved the power of jet propulsion and will soon take over the world! Within minutes, they will be flying through every restaurant in the city … unless they already are.” –Spyglass

“I married your father because of his excellent hearing. But to answer your actual question, I’ve had about seven hundred cocks inside me.” –Doctor Handsome

“Did anyone notice there’s a number on the door behind Wilbur? ‘310.’ It’s pretty obvious Wilbur is inside his apartment, standing in Dawn’s bedroom door. So why would he have numbered doors in his house? Some kind of bizarre organization scheme. He has it catalogued in a ledger. ‘Room 310. Empty mayonnaise jars. Room 311: Bathroom.'” –Cloudbuster

“A good way to honor your mom’s sacrifice is to live your life to the fullest. Or, you could do the direct opposite: whine about death and spend time with Tommie.” –S. Stout

“Yes! I understand! You killed your mother, I killed my mother, Margo killed her mother! You think you’re the only one who killed their mother! Quit whining!” –Terrapin

“I like how Thel is standing about thirty feet away from her brood (including a toddler), her attention steadily focused elsewhere as the throngs of humanity surge around them, as if daring danger-strangers to just come and grab a brace of stubby-limbed malaprop-spewing munchkins on the way from Panda Express to Banana Republic. Maybe next time she can smuggle a sign out of the Kompound saying ‘FREE CHILDRUN PLEAZ TAKE 4,’ and bring it to the parking lot at Candy-Dispensing-White-Van-Drivers-Con ’12.” –fillmoreeast

“Can we talk about how great the expressions on the Keane kids are? They look so world-weary and callous as a result of their hopes and dreams never being fulfilled. Even when in agreement about their mother (who they all resent now), they cannot seem to snap out of their mass depression for even a moment. Wes Anderson, if you’re looking to revive The Royal Tenenbaums in a different format, look no further.” –Irrischano

“I love the generic travel agency in the background of this very obvious re-run strip. What is that store next to it, I wonder? A one-hour photo? A video rental store? A newspaper publisher?” –The Silent Penultimate Panel

I must thanks to all who put some cash into my tip jar! And we must give thanks to our advertisers:

• Raymond Chandler at the ashram: What do you call a murder mystery made with a cup of humor, a dash of romance, and a sprig of mysticism, then rolled in chick-lit and sprinkled with some hot stuff? Just Stab Me In The Eye.

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Family Circus, 5/18/12

“Every time Mommy leaves the Keane Kompound and interacts with non-family members, she briefly remembers that she once had social bonds with others, and even friendships! This is obviously unacceptable. I wish that, when we have to go on our once-a-month shopping trip buy the things we can’t make ourselves, there were no humans there at all to distract Mommy with the temptations of the rotten human society we’ve sworn to separate ourselves from.”

Ziggy, 5/18/12

Always just a bit behind the times, Ziggy is trying, and failing, to sell toxic mortgage-backed securities to a bird.

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 5/17/12

“Never mind June being left at home to manage a sexy, charismatic, half-naked drunk lady,” you’re saying to yourself. “This strip needs to focus on its core strengths. Has Rex been a dick about anything lately?” Well, good of you to ask! You might recall that, right after the sadly departed Foster changed his will leaving everything (including $25,000 nobody knew he had) to Rex, he (supposedly) fell down the stairs while under the supervision of (estranged? ex-?) wife Mabel, who was not wise to this sudden will-change. There’s a couple of strange things going on here, and guess which one has been exercising Rex’s mind more? “You’re not implying that Mabel had anything to do with it!? Because if the police decide that she did, that might slow down the implementation of the directives in his will, and obviously nobody wants that!”

Apartment 3-G, 5/17/12

“Do you understand? I killed her!! And once I tasted blood, I couldn’t stop! My mother was the first of my many victims. And now I fear that my baby will start the cycle anew … with me. You have to help me maintain my position as Satan’s High Priestess of Death!”

Ziggy, 5/17/12

Congratulations, Ziggy: You have baffled me. The only scenarios I can wring out of this that make any sense at all are “Ziggy lives in a dystopian future when all forms of life other than people have been wiped out, and it makes him said to see the biodiverse glory that once was” or “Ziggy is watching a show about evolution and is the last survivor of a short, gnomish species of nonhuman primates.”

Crankshaft, 5/17/12

I’ve spent most of my life avoiding golf and golf courses at all costs, so I’m not really familiar with the social mores that prevail in those contexts. Is the sort of angry mob justice that’s looming in panel two typical, or is it just a strong but justified reaction to Crankshaft’s behavior and/or personality?