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Dropping even the pretense that kids read them anymore, the comics turn at last to porn.

Popeye, 3/17/12

Sea Hag cooks up a scheme to defeat Popeye using a sex robot. HEH, HEH!

Judge Parker, 3/17/12

The Judge Parker girls ‘n’ guns fetish epic rushes toward its climax, reeking of perfume, sweat, and cordite:

Monique Zatari @hitgal d fahimwife4: OMG 3way @bustybower — u in? Bring yr GUN srsly k?

April Bower @bustybower d sexysanchez: Got a live one here with @hitgal — come packing! Hurry!

Ofc. Melody Jones @sweetsong d dispatch: I hear murmuring — coming from inside the house!    I’m going in!

Gloria Sanchez @sexysanchez d junebug: Hott scene @bustybower — ditch Rex; bring Glock.

Rex Morgan M.D., 3/17/12

Oh Rex, Rex, Rex, you’re doing it all wrong. “Put on the apron” means the apron only. Also, you’re supposed to be holding a spatula not that damn cookie, and those spank lines shouldn’t be coming from her head. I swear you are just hopeless.

June, dear, if you hurry maybe you can catch the action over at April’s? Bring yr GUN srsly k?

June Morgan @junebug d sexysanchez: Beats anything I got here — see you soon, mmmmm…

Rex Morgan @imthebig @nikitoy: Thot @junebug would never leave — got time for a “lesson”? I made cookies!

“Oh, wait … I guess I really mean ‘d nikitoy’, don’t I … OH CRAP NOT AGAIN!”

Apartment 3-G, 3/17/12

Scott negotiates for an afternoon of Naughty Baby roleplay and gets in waaaaay over his head.

I’m sitting in this week while Josh takes a vacation — no fundraiser this time around, but that “Donate” button still works whenever the spirit moves you. You can reach me at uncle.lumpy@comcast.net with any site administration issues.

— Uncle Lumpy

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Hey, everybody! I am about to depart for a week or so of vacation, and so your favorite Uncle Lumpy will be filling in until the 25th. But I will leave you with your comment … of the week!

“I’m having a pang of sympathy for the singular ‘my good plate’, implying that there existed only one. Everything else in Thel’s life is made of D-grade plastic and child-proof rubber. Can she just have one ceramic item, reminiscent of how actual humans — i.e., those not futilely trying to keep a brood of mutated potato children alive in spite of their own mental deformities — live? No. No she cannot.” –David Schraub

And your runners up! Very funny!

“‘Nobody’ is the ghost of Lyman from Garfield. Clearly he is now in Hell.” –sporknpork

“As I get older, I like to sit back in my comfortable overstuffed chair, meds in reach, and read the back cover of a good crossword magazine.” –Naked Bunny with a Whip

“So Mary wears pearls on her walk and Toby rocks the jean-shorts-and-Depends™ look.” –Bootsy

“‘…and she bristled at my disapproval!’ ‘What did she divulge?’ I’m certain their lips were not synchronized to the dialogue.” –hcv

“She bristled at my disapproval! I do not understand, since all I did was point out what I perceive to be her obvious flaws in the most condescending way possible. Who doesn’t enjoy that? I naturally assumed she would, since I have absolutely no concept of how interpersonal relationships work.” –The Mighty Untrained FOOZLE

“Or did you mean ‘facts of life’ as a euphemism for fucking? Because you give me unfettered access to Google, so I’m pretty much up to speed on that.” –Doctor Handsome

“Man, nothing happens in Judge Parker for months at a time, then I stop paying attention two days, and suddenly people are pointing rifles at assistant track coaches?” –Chip Whittle

“Surely Margo is mainly in favor of a healthy baby because they’re the best eatin’?” –Manic-Depressive Mouse

“I read Margo’s line in the most sarcastic voice I could. ‘Ooooh, poooor wittle Scottie, needing the help of mommie Margo. Christ, no wonder his wife doesn’t want a baby, she already has him.'” –Lord-z

Mark Trail: “This robbery was doomed from the beginning if McCheese-brain is willing to throw in the towel AT THE FIRST SIGHTING OF ANOTHER HUMAN BEING. ‘Don’t be a fool Jeff! They’ll surround us with their square jaws and blind dog. We’re trapped in here (with guns)!'” –Stickerz

Thanks to all who put some cash into my tip jar! And this is where we’d thank our advertisers — if we had any this week. To find out more about how you could be thanked in this spot, and more about sponsoring this site’s RSS feed, click here.

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Luann, 3/16/12

Well, give Luann credit for this: the possibility that a character might be gay is brought up in the non-condemning context of trying to figure out why he doesn’t connect romantically with girls. But that goodwill is pretty much negated by implying that being the only son of a single mother is a root cause of gayness, and whatever positive sentiments are left are mercilessly stamped out by Gunther cringing in terror as he describes a certain part of him that knows he wants to make sex to females. (SPOILER: It’s his penis. His horrifying penis.) The upside is that, by the time I got to Gunther going on about how he’s sure Rosa’s done it with lots of dudes, I couldn’t really feel much of anything any more.

Family Circus, 3/16/12

I like the skeptical look Ma Keane is giving Billy from the background. “Wait, that’s not even a pun! Sorry, kid, the adorable malapropism bar is set pretty high around here. You’re going to have to do better than that.”