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Gil Thorp, 8/22/23

I guess Coach Hernandez didn’t realize that his redemption and plush new job at Milford would come with a price, until Gil informed him that, as Milford athletics director, he’d be exercising the ancient droit du seigneur with Mrs. Hernandez in Luke’s own condo, as detailed in the Valley Conference bylaws. Sorry, Luke, but being on the Mudlark coaching staff means participating in an endless cycle of cuckoldry.

Beetle Bailey, 8/22/23

Well, Sarge, while “Jumpin’ Jehoshaphat” is a minced oath, with the biblical king’s name substituting for “Jesus,” Jehoshaphat is in fact a theophoric name that means “Yahweh has judged.” So whenever you say it, you’re actually referencing the forbidden tetragrammaton, so, uh, yeah, you’d better put a dollar in that swear jar and you’re lucky that’s your only punishment.

Pluggers, 8/22/23

Pluggers need a dedicated team of highly skilled professionals just to keep them alive.

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Dick Tracy, 8/21/23

Hey, remember that Dick Tracy storyline that I wasn’t really bothering to try to follow in any detail? Well, it’s ended (?) with the main (??) villain falling into a big pile of pigeon shit. Say what you will about being eaten alive by rats while you’re wearing a gimp suit, but it has a certain dignity to it.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 8/21/23

Galoot? Ruckus? Holler? The roots country bullshit in this strip is reach intolerable levels. Someone needs to call the CDC to quarantine the whole thing until we can figure out what’s going on.

Slylock Fox, 8/21/23

Of course Slylock knows! He’s been standing here watching the whole thing! You’re not making him do any stupid math and it’s not fair.

Mary Worth, 8/21/23

Well, the dognapper ordeal was resolved with the victims restored to physical and psychological health, and then Mary and Ed wrapped up their depressing date, so that means we’re finally ready to move onto a new storyline — oh, wait, what’s that? It’s time for Saul and Eve and their dogs to visit a “dog beach”? That’s, uh, great! I’m happy about this! I love dogs, and dog-related Mary Worth storylines! Please don’t tell anyone I don’t like dogs! [Tomorrow’s banner headline: AREA DOG-HATING BLOGGER CANCELED]

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Marvin, 8/20/23

You well know that I do not consider the syndicated comic strip Marvin to be the pinnacle of sequential art, but today’s strip is even more shambolic than usual, its narrative completely falling apart upon the slightest examination. Why is Jeff’s work frenemy whose name you cannot make me retain or look up hanging out at his house, on a weekend, and why are they just standing around the living room while Jeff passive aggressively dicks around on his phone? Why has not-Jeff chosen to set up his “hilarious” prank by posing a series of seemingly earnest questions? Why would you buy a bunch of toilet paper on eBay, of all places? And why isn’t Marvin even here? Damn it, if you’re going to do a toilet paper joke in the comic strip Marvin, then Marvin (the character) should be involved.

Blondie, 8/20/23

This one drives me crazy for one specific reason, which is that Dithers mentions that he used the company 3-D printer to make his mini-Dithers homunculus. The whole scenario is pleasantly absurd without that fact, please do not make think about the mechanics of producing this thing or the business reasons why DithersCo might own a 3-D printer.

Dennis the Menace, 8/20/23

This one I have no complaints about. Is there anything more menacing than a child who needs more love and attention than you’re equipped to provide? Extremely dark, no notes.