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ALL OF TODAY’S COMICS ARE DISGUSTING, SORRY EVERYBODY

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Six Chix and Marmaduke, 10/5/11

I was pretty sure that today’s frankly S&M-themed Six Chix was the most perverse thing I’d see on the comics page today. Then I saw Marmaduke, and remembered that looking at Marmaduke is always like looking down a long, dark tube, at the end of which is the most terrifying hell you can imagine. It’s funny because he’s got melted-faced zombie Hitler on a leash, you see! Makes our cute li’l ginger dominatrix and her shirtless slave look positively wholesome.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 10/5/11

Speaking of unspeakable perversity, this strip would be bad enough if it were just about a pig who understood both English speech and the fact that she would be someday killed, dismembered, and eaten. But the fact that someone has added a prettifying bow to her head makes me all the queasier. Are we supposed to think that Lukey can’t bring himself to turn her into delicious pork because he’s bewitched by her beauty? What of the cheefully oblivious non-bowed pig who makes an appearance in panel two — does he know what awful things his fellow swine has to do, just to keep the two of them alive?

Slylock Fox, 10/5/11

2) The human hair that right now is lying on your head in a great, heavy heap is dead, dead, dead, and is basically a part of you that’s already a cadaver. Answer — 2) True! Your whole body is covered with death! Remember, kids, be sure you have plenty of Bactine on hand before you start screaming and pulling out all your corpse-hair in huge, bloody chunks.

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Ha ha, hippies, amiright?

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Hi and Lois, 10/4/11

Fun fact about Hi and Lois (yes, fun facts about Hi and Lois exist): “Thirsty” Thurston was originally given that nickname because he was a chronic drunk. At some point, the strip toned down that aspect of his personality — you know, for the children — mostly by getting rid of his bright red nose and visible intoxication bubbles, and for the past several decades we’ve just been left to fill in the blanks for the origins of his shiftlessness, slovenliness, and unhappy marriage. But it appears that someone at Walker-Browne Amalgamated Humor Industries LLC suddenly realized (probably right about here) that children stopped reading the comics long ago, and so Thirsty’s boozehounding can now come back in full force! Earlier this week there was already a strip about how he passed out drunk on Hi’s couch and spent the night in a stupor, so I look forward to the hijinks that will ensue once he polishes off this minivan-sized box of Beer™ brand beer.

Apartment 3-G, 10/4/11

I’m pretty sure that we’re always supposed to find Margo’s high-handed demands unreasonable, which is why I find it odd that her current set of high-handed demands involve asking Lu Ann to do her job rather than comparing different shades of pastel for bridesmaids dresses and matching napkins all day. Rather than responding with “Weddings! Bah, humbug! My heart was broken by my fiancé’s death, so I must crap on your happiness!” it would kind of make more sense if Margo said, “Yeah, so, you know I’m paying you to, like, work at the art gallery, right?”

B.C., 10/4/11

Ha ha, those jokesters at B.C., they’re sure stickin’ it to those hippies, and their grass! Hippies eat grass, right? That’s how you “do” grass? If you’re a hippie? Anyway, long story short, this hippie is about to be savagely killed by a dinosaur, for his drug crimes.

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BREAKING: Savage dictator orders top cop to deport undesirables without trial

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Six Chix, 10/3/11

The comics do not have the best record of seamlessly integrating breast cancer awareness messages into their usual laff routines, so I suppose we ought to give Six Chix credit for making a halfway decent mammogram-themed gag, as well as for semi-accurately depicting one of the games from the Mario Brothers franchise. I was going to say that this freakishly proportioned doctor, with his oversized skull and bug eyes, looks like a classic movie mad scientist, which could explain his unorthodox medical equipment; but, honestly, his patient doesn’t look much like a standard-issue representative of H. sapiens either. Perhaps these two are all too aware of various forms of cancer, living as they do in a high-radiation zone full of mutants like themselves.

Baldo, 10/3/11

Oh, but SNAP, it looks like breast cancer awareness just got stone cold outrun (or outskated?) by diabetes awareness! Are there people rollerblading to cure breast cancer? I don’t think so! Boy, breast cancer awareness just looks like a pile of garbage now, doesn’t it.

Slylock Fox, 10/3/11

Once a habitat has been invaded by an outside species, can it ever truly be restored to its original state? Is the blunt instrument of government policy capable of managing something as delicate as an ecosystem, or do attempts to do so do more harm then good? Since species replacement is part of the natural cycle of life, is it even realistic to try to preserve a region’s biosystem in some arbitrary static state? Are these questions far too difficult for most adults to answer, let alone children? Oh, they are? Uh, well, then, just, I don’t know, count the snakes or something, I guess.