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“I love today’s Spider-Man because it shows that Newspaper MJ and Newspaper Peter are perfect for each other. She just comes home, plops down on the couch, and just passes out mid-soliloquy. I hope there’s a gas leak or something.” –Roto13

MUST GATHER STRENGTH TO ACKNOWLEDGE HILARITY OF RUNNERS UP

“Being the happiest man in Santa Royale isn’t the loftiest of ambitions. Having Wilbur Weston as your main competition isn’t setting the bar very high.” –Pozzo

“My favorite part of today’s FW is the look on Cayla’s face. I’ve never seen a less willing participant in a conversation — she looks like she’s being held to that porch swing by some sort of smugness-based sorcery.” –Navigator

“The ‘F’ the prof gave Les was followed immediately by a ‘You’ and probably occurred about 35 seconds into their first encounter.” –Uncle Ritzy Fritz

“‘I’d let you borrow the used car I own’? Is that the same as ‘my car?’ What kind of language communication are they speaking with their mouths?” –Mustang

“Also, forgive me if I’m out of the loop on this one, but isn’t the point of dressing for a Comic con to go dressed as some comic book character? Unless we’re willing to posit that Knute and Crystal are both aware that they’re really comic characters. But if that were true, surely the realization that they were characters in Luann would have long since driven them to a mutual suicide pact?” –Swordsmith

“There’s only one way to top a wacky diuretic joke like this. So now, in addition to the extreme heat, Americans need to be wary of Plugger enema jokes by the end of the week.” –gkl

“There’s something to be said for being the best at what you do, even if what you do is, like, completely terrible. Only Funky Winkerbean could render the protagonist’s decision not to behave like a vindictive, immature shitbag somehow depressing.” –Violet

“I love the way Spider uses the phrase ‘verbally assaulted.’ I think Spider’s a narc, man.” –bbofun

“It’s a metaphor, kid. Freedom is illusory.” –Dood

Mary Worth: “No, Jeff! Don’t start listing the reasons! And for God’s sake, don’t pull out the Powerpoint!” –Frank Lee Meidere

“Why not a paper tacked up on the wall with just the word ‘SPORTS!’ That would convey this is a manly little fellow interested in Sports!, and it would cover a wide range of activities, from ice dancing to MMA cage fights. SPORTS!” –anonymous

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Apartment 3-G, 7/22/11

At last, we’re beginning to see the dark secret that lurks behind the Linski clan’s happy facade: namely, that beloved matriarch Carol Linski is really a controlling monster.

• “Keep the sound low; you know how mom is.” If even the slightest bit of extraneous noise filters through the walls and disturbs her, she flies into a violent rage.
• “I wish Lu Ann could stay longer.” Carol keeps an iron grip on her children’s sexuality, refusing to let even her adult son have girlfriends sleep over.
• Carol also interprets the Second Commandment’s ban on idols extremely strictly, forbidding any image in her home that might serve as an alternative to worship of the Lord. Thus, her youngest son isn’t allowed to hang up any posters of his football heroes; instead, he is only permitted to tack up a small hand-written sign extolling the Super Bowl as a general concept.

Beetle Bailey, 7/22/11

Fun fact that probably most of you but probably not all of you know: Beetle Bailey and Hi and Lois occupy the same fictional universe, as Beetle and Lois are siblings. So, what I’m trying to say is, Lois from Hi and Lois is or was having a sex affair with this tattooed fellow, who once killed a man, in prison.

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Marvin, 7/21/11

So a few days ago, Marvin featured a strip that went something (I’m not even going to check the archives to get all the details right, that’s how much I resent thinking about Marvin over multi-day spans) like this:

[Marvin’s parents are looking at Marvin while he’s asleep.]

MARVIN’S MOM: Oh, Marvin’s dad! Doesn’t our awful poop-baby look adorable, when he’s asleep and not moving or making noise, or pooping? It makes me want to have another baby!

MARVIN’S DAD: [Eyes wide with silent horror]

I figured this was nothing more than another attempt to make a joke out of the fact that Marvin is such a loathsome baby that even his parents hate and fear him, and live in terror that they might bring another like him into the world. However, apparently it has set up the actual conception, incubation, and birth of a new Marvin-sibling, all over the course of only a few days. Did the Marvin franchise need shaking up to this extent? Eh, well, it can’t get any worse, so why not? (Unless we learn in a week or two that this seemingly major change was all dream. That will be worse.)

Funky Winkerbean, 7/21/11

Oh, man, when I analyzed Monday’s Funky Winkerbean, I obviously wasn’t prepared for the multiple layers of smugness we were in for. Les didn’t smugly display his superiority over his old professor; instead, he refrained from this act of petty taunting, so he could come home and wax smugly about his moral superiority. Kudos to you, sir!

Family Circus, 7/21/11

I’m reasonably sure that this week’s “Keane Kids trash Boston” strips are repeats from several decades ago, which would explain why the camcorder Big Daddy Keane is holding in front of his face looks so awkward and out of place and pasted-in-later-y. Presumably it was put in to cover up the circa 1962 Nikon F Photomic he was using in the original? Honestly it looks more like a canister that he’s huffing paint out of, and really, who can blame him.