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Mary Worth, 5/28/11

Oh, well, this isn’t terrifying at all. Just Dr. Drew thinking about how he needs to explain to Liza in excruciating detail how “breaking up” works, while, unnoticed, Liza, who has managed to surreptitiously burrow under Drew’s flesh, bursts out triumphantly, like Athena out of Zeus’s brow. Only stalkier!

Spider-Man, 5/28/11

Yes, Spidey wasn’t able to save the one Dr. Morbius loved — you know, Martine? The one who was a real, actual vampire? I’m not vampire expert (nosferatologist?) or anything, but I’m pretty sure that one of the scary things about vampires is that they’re mostly immortal, and can only be killed in a certain limited number of ritualized ways, and none of those ways are “being dropped off a building.”

Lockhorns, 5/28/11

The Lockhorns may fight all the time and hate each other so, so much, but that doesn’t meant that they don’t share some pastimes. For instance, they enjoy going down the park and making snide comments about the way the Kids Today dress, all the while looking very much like they want to kill themselves.

Family Circus, 5/28/11

This would just be run of the mill Keane Kids Saying The Darndest Things if not for the look of genuine embarrassment on Barfy’s face. Ha ha, no resident of the Keane Kompound can escape the omnipresent crushing body shame!

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Ha ha, suckers, I’ve already left for my Memorial Day weekend, which means your COTW has arrived unexpectedly early!

“Wouldn’t layoffs in Milford be charmingly and anachronistically referred to as laydowns?” –Dood

And the also hilarious runners up!

“No, seriously, my handball league is scheduled to share the gym tonight. Where are we gonna play?” –js

“I don’t think our tax dollars should used to pay people to teach fat cats.” –Pozzo

“Tip o’ the day: If you’re gonna have sex with a coffee maker, be sure to use a filter. Let’s keep it safe out there.” –Sequitur

“It strikes me that there are probably dozens of considerably more organic scenarios in which this ‘I gain weight just thinking about food’ gag could have been just as effectively (i.e. not at all effectively) deployed, which leads me to suspect this may be some kind of sociological experiment to ascertain just how much shit people will take before the bloody revolution ensues.” –Violet

“So sure, Sarge is gay. But apparently Corporal Yo is a 10 year old who’s just teetering on the edge of puberty, and wants to know if the changes he’s going through are normal. ‘Do you ever get excited when you see a pretty girl? I think I’m growing hair in strange places.'” –Dan

“Can only web — one of them — unless I use — both hands. Not worth the — effort!” -AndyL

“Good realism in Trail today. I tell you, whenever I had to convince my parents that I actually had some free time and wasn’t, in fact, goofing off from school, I would just scream ‘MY CLASS WAS CANCELLED!’ That always sold it.” –Edgy DC

“It seems like everyone else is determined to ignore the dog-man’s boner in Pluggers, so I guess I’ll address it: ‘Answering machine messages about debilitating ailments are plugger phone sex.’ There, are you happy? I hate myself now.” -Doctor Handsome

“Ah, yes. Kicking Momma’s Ladder, one of Cab Calloway’s lesser-known works. The song is, of course, about smoking dope.” –Red Greenback

“Flamboyant boobs, nice derrieres, disdain for the laws of physics, no regard for plot continuity — I know I’m hooked. That Stan Lee is a genius and he’s laughing all the way to the bank.” –ArchieNemesis

“Pulsating, wild … um … uninhibited? Are you buying any of this?” –Chyron HR

Thanks to all who put some cash into my tip jar! And this is where we’d thank our advertisers — if we had any this week. To find out more about how you could be thanked in this spot, and more about sponsoring this site’s RSS feed, click here.

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Luann, 5/27/11

Ha ha, can you imagine an “urgent, passionate” “rap” set to Luann’s poem of self-loathing, “I’m A Snot”? You don’t have to, because you can go to the URL in the third panel and listen to it yourself, in all its glory! But don’t feel obliged to do so. I think we all remember the “Hey Boy” debacle of 2010. Maybe it’s better to hear the passionate, urgent rapping, in your mind. Maybe if you heard it in your actual earhole, it would be so passionate and so urgent that your passionate urges would get the better of you and then who knows what would happen next? Probably some pulsating of some sort, that’s what! So, in conclusion, barf.

Crankshaft, 5/27/11

What must it be like, being a prisoner of the Funkiverse, where every depressing, emotionally loaded conversation (and lord knows there are plenty of those) must be accompanied by smirking? And, in Crankshaft, puns? I think Jeff in today’s strip made some kind of bargain with his cruel God: “Look, I’m trying to share some really heavy stuff with my wife here, OK? I’ll smirk, or I’ll pun, but please don’t make me do both. Let me keep a shred of dignity!”