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Ha ha, suckers, I’ve already left for my Memorial Day weekend, which means your COTW has arrived unexpectedly early!

“Wouldn’t layoffs in Milford be charmingly and anachronistically referred to as laydowns?” –Dood

And the also hilarious runners up!

“No, seriously, my handball league is scheduled to share the gym tonight. Where are we gonna play?” –js

“I don’t think our tax dollars should used to pay people to teach fat cats.” –Pozzo

“Tip o’ the day: If you’re gonna have sex with a coffee maker, be sure to use a filter. Let’s keep it safe out there.” –Sequitur

“It strikes me that there are probably dozens of considerably more organic scenarios in which this ‘I gain weight just thinking about food’ gag could have been just as effectively (i.e. not at all effectively) deployed, which leads me to suspect this may be some kind of sociological experiment to ascertain just how much shit people will take before the bloody revolution ensues.” –Violet

“So sure, Sarge is gay. But apparently Corporal Yo is a 10 year old who’s just teetering on the edge of puberty, and wants to know if the changes he’s going through are normal. ‘Do you ever get excited when you see a pretty girl? I think I’m growing hair in strange places.'” –Dan

“Can only web — one of them — unless I use — both hands. Not worth the — effort!” -AndyL

“Good realism in Trail today. I tell you, whenever I had to convince my parents that I actually had some free time and wasn’t, in fact, goofing off from school, I would just scream ‘MY CLASS WAS CANCELLED!’ That always sold it.” –Edgy DC

“It seems like everyone else is determined to ignore the dog-man’s boner in Pluggers, so I guess I’ll address it: ‘Answering machine messages about debilitating ailments are plugger phone sex.’ There, are you happy? I hate myself now.” -Doctor Handsome

“Ah, yes. Kicking Momma’s Ladder, one of Cab Calloway’s lesser-known works. The song is, of course, about smoking dope.” –Red Greenback

“Flamboyant boobs, nice derrieres, disdain for the laws of physics, no regard for plot continuity — I know I’m hooked. That Stan Lee is a genius and he’s laughing all the way to the bank.” –ArchieNemesis

“Pulsating, wild … um … uninhibited? Are you buying any of this?” –Chyron HR

Thanks to all who put some cash into my tip jar! And this is where we’d thank our advertisers — if we had any this week. To find out more about how you could be thanked in this spot, and more about sponsoring this site’s RSS feed, click here.

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Luann, 5/27/11

Ha ha, can you imagine an “urgent, passionate” “rap” set to Luann’s poem of self-loathing, “I’m A Snot”? You don’t have to, because you can go to the URL in the third panel and listen to it yourself, in all its glory! But don’t feel obliged to do so. I think we all remember the “Hey Boy” debacle of 2010. Maybe it’s better to hear the passionate, urgent rapping, in your mind. Maybe if you heard it in your actual earhole, it would be so passionate and so urgent that your passionate urges would get the better of you and then who knows what would happen next? Probably some pulsating of some sort, that’s what! So, in conclusion, barf.

Crankshaft, 5/27/11

What must it be like, being a prisoner of the Funkiverse, where every depressing, emotionally loaded conversation (and lord knows there are plenty of those) must be accompanied by smirking? And, in Crankshaft, puns? I think Jeff in today’s strip made some kind of bargain with his cruel God: “Look, I’m trying to share some really heavy stuff with my wife here, OK? I’ll smirk, or I’ll pun, but please don’t make me do both. Let me keep a shred of dignity!”

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Momma, 5/26/11

Momma is routinely awful to her children, and all of them are fairly unpleasant to her in return. It’s not clear which was the cause of the other, or if it’s just a sort of continuous feedback loop situation, but today we seem to have reached the inevitable moment when the Hobbes boys move from passive-aggressive comments to outright elder abuse. Still, it’s interesting to note that Thomas has shed his usual preppy garb for zubaz pants, a Charlie Brown-style t-shirt, and — horrors — a baseball cap, worn backwards. It’s almost as if he was unable to become a true monster like Francis unless he dressed the part.

Spider-Man, 5/26/11

Anyone who wants an introduction to the glory and pageantry that is the Spider-Man newspaper strip would do well to review the last couple weeks’ worth of action, which has consisted entirely of people arguing and then almost falling off of the roof before being saved at the last minute. Since Spidey only has enough web to save half of our bickering vampire couple, the fun might end soon. But wait, wasn’t the whole reason Spider-Man needed rescuing in the first place because his web-slinging was on the fritz? And can’t one of these vampire clowns fly, or at least glide? Is it really that hard to keep track of the continuity in this strip?

Mark Trail, 5/26/11

Yes, you can tell this emporium for expensive merchandise is quite popular with the kids. Just look who’s haunting the store: hip young people like the guy who modeled for The Scream (panel one) and the mayor of the Munchkin City (panel two).

Pluggers, 5/26/11

Whole teams of dedicated medical personnel are working around the clock just to keep pluggers alive. And why?