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Spider-Man, 7/14/11

Oh boy, this bespectacled lady wants to capture Spider-Man, in photographic form! This is delicious, because of course taking pictures of Spider-Man is, as far as I can make out, Peter Parker’s sole source of income. One of Newspaper Spider-Man’s least attractive qualities — and lord knows there are lots to choose from — is his continuing macho panic at the idea that his wife makes more money than he does, despite the fact that his wife is a successful actress and he’s a stringer working in the dying newspaper industry (and also a superhero, a role that you’d think would be enough to boost his fragile ego, until of course you see how he goes about filling it). Anyway, my bet is that this woman will humiliate Peter further by displacing him from his pathetic job; I assume that her pictures of Spider-Man will be better than his, both because it’s tricky to stage photos of yourself and because Peter is an incompetent who’s no good at anything.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 7/14/11

Haw haw, looks like Jughaid’s startin’ to hallucinate! He’s probably sufferin’ from heat stroke, no doubt because he insists on wearing a fur hat in the middle of summer.

Family Circus, 7/14/11

Dolly, nothing in your current life might match up with the sanitized fairy tales in that book, but surely the Brothers Grimm or Russian folklorists have recorded stories of a quartet of terrifying, stunted gnomish things locked away in a compound by their horrified parents.

Hi and Lois, 7/14/11

This is the first Hi and Lois I can remember laughing at. Ha ha, it’s funny because the innocent little baby is learning about disappointment! Oh, I’m a terrible person.

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Apartment 3-G, 7/13/11

This isn’t something I usually say, but: kudos to both the artist and the colorist for Apartment 3-G, for livening up this somewhat dull installment! The jagged dividing line in panel two does an excellent job of depicting Lu Ann’s sudden panic at having to try to interact with two people at once.

Momma, 7/13/11

I guess it really shouldn’t come as surprise that a strip that thinks of the Tennessee Valley Authority as a universally recognized cultural touchstone would also think of efforts to dredge navigation channels and build enormous dams as a “conservation project.”

Judge Parker, 7/13/11

Boy, I’ve been kind of slacking when it comes to keeping you up to date on the plot of Judge Parker, haven’t I? I don’t have the energy to discuss all the twists and turns, but the fact that things have ended with one of the smug, rich, attractive people who rule this strip receiving the chanting adulation of dozens of adoring proles should come as a surprise to nobody.

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Luann, 7/12/11

I’ve been reading Luann long enough to recognize that when there’s a nameplate sitting on a desk in the third panel with a name written in more or less legible Chicago font, it’s supposed to be meaningful; however, I haven’t been reading long enough to know who “Ann Eiffel” is. Quick, to the Luann Wikipedia page! Said Wikipedia page is of course ludicrously over-detailed and has already provided plenty of fodder for the Wikipedia-themed Tumblr I help run; however, I shouldn’t knock it, because it provided the crucial information that Ann is a sex predator of indeterminate romantic orientation, having been fired from her bookstore-management job because of her lustful obsession with Bernice and/or Zane (Zane being Bernice’s wheelchair-bound love interest, circa 2002). Combine that with the way she lingers over “appreciative” in panel two and I think we all know that we have Brad WeenieWorld Harass-O-Thon ’11 ahead of us, which I cannot even tell you how excited I am about it.

Opening discussion question for Brad WeenieWorld Harass-O-Thon ’11: Is it easier to sexually harass people at WeenieWorld than at other companies, because you could always plausibly claim that all your inappropriate weenie-themed remarks were in fact work related?

Blondie, 7/12/11

My favorite part about this cartoon is that Blondie is just hanging out inside, chattering on the phone, letting all the numerologically fixated lovebirds stew out in the heat. It’s even funnier because, seeing as Blondie and Tootsie are the only Blondie’s Catering employees, I’m assuming that they’re only going to be able to cater the wedding for the first couple in line.

Mark Trail, 7/12/11

See, this is what happens when you overuse bold in your word balloons: when Sheriff Whatshisface finally realizes that his son was the Moccasin Thief all along, the only way his hurt and betrayal can be properly expressed is through yellow lettering. Yellow: the color of paternal heartbreak.

Mary Worth, 7/12/11

At first I though Jeff was putting together a spreadsheet to prove with science and numbers that Mary should marry him. But in fact it appears that he’s long ago given up that hope, and now is only focused on how lucrative her meddling powers are.

Ziggy, 7/12/11

Oh, Ziggy, I think your goldfish is quite well aware of the mammalian nature of whales (or, as fish call them, “warm-blooded sea-frauds”). I think that evil grin is there because he fervently believes that the man-whale battle depicted in Moby Dick is just the opening salvo in an intra-mammal civil war that will allow the fish to pick up the pieces and rule supreme in the Neo-Devonian golden age.

Ballard Street, 7/12/11

I’m pretty sure this is the first time an actual puddle of urine has been depicted on the comics pages. I would have guessed that Marvin would the be perpetrator.

Beetle Bailey, 7/12/11

The easiest way to get me to stop making jokes about Beetle Bailey’s Beetle-and-Sarge-are-lovers subtext: turn it into Beetle-and-Sarge-are-lovers text. Boring!

6 Chix, 7/12/11

Meanwhile, in Six Chix, some lady is giving a genie a handjob.