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Panel from Slylock Fox, 8/28/11

There are a number of things that I find dubious and hilarious about today’s Slylock Fox mystery, chief among them being Slylock’s withering and unwarranted contempt for Count Weirdly’s mad science skills. “Even if Weirdly did have a working time machine”? You mean, like the working time machine you yourself used to journey back to the Cretaceous Era? Oh, sure, when you get a jones to go look at some dinosaurs, you’re all like, “Hey, Count, we’re buds, right,” but when other people are around it’s more like “Whatever, you’re guilty and probably your time machine doesn’t even work, pssht.” What a user!

Plus, with Weirdly in command of a device that can interfere with the very timeline, Slylock’s smug array of historical facts are completely meaningless. Sure, Thomas Edison didn’t make the world’s first phone call … in our universe. But what would keep the crazed Count from traveling to the 1870s and feeding young Thomas Edison information about telephony, to ensure that this important invention would be born here in USA America and not cooked up by some beardy Scot lurking on Canadian soil?

More to the point, seeing as Weirdly is at the controls of a time machine, he automatically has a perfect alibi for everything. He could have easily burned Farmer Bear’s crops 10 minutes ago, spent a leisurely year or so in the 1700s hanging out with Voltaire, then returned to the present instant. Basically, he now has unstoppable powers and Slylock’s ratiocinating will be wholly incapable of stopping him, so we should all adjust ourselves to life on Planet Weirdly pretty quickly if we know what’s good for us.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 8/28/11

Seeing that Hootin’ Holler is completely cut off from the mainstream of American cultural and economic life, I’m saddened to discover that it’s somehow still been thoroughly infiltrated by the fad diet industry. Still, I kind of like the way Loweezy invites poor Lureen inside to break the news to her in private that there’s no quick route to weight loss. She even takes care to close the door behind her, something that probably takes a bit of effort, as the first panel in the second row clearly indicates that it’s not attached to the house via any sort of fancy flatlander hinges.

Judge Parker, 8/28/11

Ha ha, sure, Sam and Abbey will just head out on a journey in their luxurious Sex Winnebago, leaving the groundskeeper or whoever in charge of their 14-year-old daughter, who’s announced her plan to win some pasty-face boy’s love by any means necessary. What could possibly go wrong?

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Judge Parker, 8/27/11

The Judge Parker cast is so uniformly and repulsively wealthy — look, Sam and Abbey are walking past the enormous pillars on the front of their house, built to a scale previously only seen on the palaces of the most decadent Roman emperors, and are trying to figure out something pointless they can buy with the yet more money that’s being thrown at them — that the only reason I can keep from hating them utterly is because I’m amused by their sexlessness. Oh, it may look as if Abbey is going to successfully woo Sam up her giant dominatrix staircase and have her way with him, but don’t worry, someone will pass out or something, maybe because of the fumes coming off all the freshly printed $100 bills that they have lying around.

Mary Worth, 8/27/11

Mary of course hates and fears the Internet, which will stop her from offering Gina the most obvious piece of advice for her situation, which is of course that she should look her dumb old childhood sweetheart up on the Internet to find out if he’s single or not. “That certainly is a tragic story, dear. Say, why don’t you call up that gentleman who gave you his phone number the other day? He doesn’t seem like an unrepentant sex offender.”

Pluggers, 8/27/11

Pluggers wouldn’t dare disobey their corporate masters, but they sure seem to piss off their wives a lot.

Hey, everyone, I’m out of town for a brief break — Sunday and Monday comics will go up Monday evening sometime.

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Oh, hi, is your comment of the week SHOCKINGLY EARLY? Well, I guess that depends on how easily you’re shocked, but here it is.

“Let me get this straight: Dagwood is supposed to be OCDing about Vanna White’s farewell messages, and he’s figured out the ratio of ‘bye-byes’ to ‘goodbyes,’ but the only detail he knows about the ‘so longs’ are that they happen ‘occasionally?’ Is the ratio 23 bye-byes to a so long? 47? 112? NOT GOOD ENOUGH, DAGWOOD. MY GRADUATE THESIS IS VERY DISAPPOINTED.” –T Campbell

And here are your hilarious runners up!

“You’re being threatened by the mob? There has never been a better time to raise the roof, amirite Gina?” –Stevesie

“So, this part of Mark Trail is a dream sequence, right? I mean, when I find myself in a cabin being served tea by Pocahontas, talking with Super Mario about how where to find Steve McQueen, I just assume I’m dreaming.” –pugfuggly

“While it may seem like he’s referring to the gay community, that’s clearly not the case. No self-respecting gay lumberjack would ever hang a yellow-and-lime-green rug diagonally on their wall.” –Master Mahan

“I bet a lot of women start looking up A.A. meetings and therapists as soon as Gil leaves their apartment.” –Doctor Handsome

“This is my friend, Ed Crankshaft. And by ‘friend,’ I mean bitter, lonely old man who follows me around making abysmal puns until I can find someone to fob him off on. Well, he’s your problem now!” –Pozzo

“That intervention went by so quickly, it makes Gil the One-Hour Photo Hut of alcoholism treatment. ‘Got the DTs? Call GT!'” –The Gringo Kid

“I lost my wife during the second deployment … tank accident … uh, no, car accident, cars, that’s it. Car. Yeah. A Toyota. [Pause.] I’m very popular in the community.” –Little Blue Bicycle

“Hey Margo, exactly what is it about a guy from Hoboken that makes him inappropriate? Was it that he went out for a real meal rather than eat that box of baking soda you have boiling on the stove?” –Thomas B.

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