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Thanks to everyone everywhere who sent me a link to this magnificent spoof trailer for a gritty, realistic Archie movie:

And now … your COMMENT OF THE WEEK!

“Is this strip still about the horrible Twitter? Or is it about Wilbur’s loneliness and depression? I’m honestly not sure at this point.” –S. Stout

And your runners up! Very funny!

“I do like Abe reclining in the rocking chair with his hands behind his head. ‘That’s right, George, he shot me here, right in the back of the head! While I was at a fucking theatre!’” –Mooncattie

“I am surprised to not see any snark about Luann’s mom telling her to be like a cockroach. I would post some myself, but don’t want to admit I read that strip of my own free will.” –NoahSnark

“As annoying as it is when a long-running series is used to launch a disconnected spin-off, it’s also hard not to be excited about Jim Scancarelli’s new ‘Dead presidents in rocking chairs bitching about Earth from Hell’ strip.” –Jaliben

“I am starting to think that Wilbur and Dawn are actually the same person à la Fight Club. Like most ‘women’ online, Dawn is actually a frumpy, balding, middle-aged man. Wilbur’s alter ego is becoming autonomous, and only the brown syrupy juice of the Peyote plant can bring them back together.” –Jesse

“Hey, Wilbur, there’s a website I think you might want to check out. It’s called boundaries.com.” –Violet

“I doubt Loweezy can write, or that the Parson’s wife can read for that matter, so the ‘recipe’ she handed over is probably the eight slightly squiggly lines we see in the comic.” –TheTJ

“Since I didn’t get the part as Edward in the Twilight movies, I’ve lost all interest in vampirism. Except the bats. The bats I like.” –Scott Bot

“I still have hopes that the lady and her daughter are just hallucinations of rescue brought on by Mark’s massive blood loss. And also, that all of those seagulls are really vultures.” –BRWombat

“Mommy, guess how much stupid weighs!” –Doctor Handsome

“The most realistic part of this is that Mary and Rex are still fully clothed.” –Oregonian

“To be fair, mommy’s recipe calls for almost 40 lbs. of children.” –js

Big thanks to everyone who put cash in my tip jar! And we must of course give thanks to our advertisers:

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Family Circus, 2/25/11

The Family Circus is such a target for snarky Internet contempt that picking on it is a cliché at this point, but I really don’t understand how things like this get cut out and hung on people’s refrigerators, unless your refrigerator is where you keep your birth control and you need a reminder of why it’s very important that you use it. “Mommy, guess how much children you have! Also, guess why ‘children’ is now a mass noun instead of a count noun! It’s because we’re one monstrous organism that slithered out of your womb in four separate parts, but now we’re going to merge together to fulfill the tasks our demon creator has set for us!”

Mother Goose and Grimm, 2/25/11

I know, I’m pretty much programmed to find this funny, but I found it funny. The best part for me is the two characters’ facial expressions — Mary looks alarmed and a little shell-shocked at being discovered, while Rex looks grimly determined. Both are extremely appropriate.

Mark Trail, 2/25/11

“There’s a man inside and he looks … oh my! So handsome, so sexy! I may not be able to resist him! Also, I think he might be dead? But that’s not important right now. Come here honey, help me drag him out of the boat.”

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Mark Trail, 2/24/11

Wow, this is actually a kind of surprising development in Mark Trail! Rather than Mark just punching out the villain and returning home to Lost Forest, he instead got shot and is washing up on on some distant shore at the bottom of that EMPTY boat. Cast your mind back to your classical education: you’ll recall that the Odyssey begins with Odysseus being held captive by the nymph Calypso, who wants the Greek hero as her husband, on her island. Likewise, Mark will soon be in the thrall of this lady, who’s wearing a revealing shirt and freakishly high-waisted jeans, which are the Mark Trail signifiers for “sex goddess.” Will Cherry remain faithful for the 10 years it will take for Mark to return to her and reclaim his kingdom, with Rusty’s help?

Spider-Man, 2/24/11

“Hmm, so you used to be a vampire … and you’re doing the same vampire bat experiments that resulted in your vampirism before … and there’s a vampire loose in the city … and you have visible fangs and strange claw-like fingernails … but you say you’re not a vampire? Sure, whatever, I’ll buy it. So, you got a TV around here?”

Marmaduke, 2/24/11

Of all of Marmaduke’s demonic powers, some find his ability to control human minds to be the most terrifying. But when you think about the awful fate that awaits this child, isn’t it a blessing that he’s living out his last moments in a sort of zombified ecstasy, rather than abject terror?