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Mark Trail, 8/22/11

And so, with “Sergeant McQueen, how is he?”/”He’s very popular in the community!”, the list of Questions And Responses In Mark Trail That Would Never, Ever Be Uttered By Humans, already prodigiously long, has gained another entry, unless there’s a lot of backstory. “He’s very popular in the community! None of those allegations have been proven, because all of the accusers mysteriously failed to show up to testify in court! Everyone loves Sergeant McQueen, and that’s the end of the story! THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER!”

Six Chix, 8/22/11

“Ha ha, seriously though, my friend has a serious medical condition called narcolepsy! Also, it’s best not to disturb her when she’s in this state, and she’s already agreed to pay the bill, so I’ll be leaving now.”

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Family Circus, 8/21/11

OBVIOUSLY there’s no child’s suffering that delights me so much as a Keane Kid’s suffering, and so I’m overjoyed to see Billy’s comically overwrought expression of crushing despair as his mother drapes that suit jacket over his shoulders. It’s as if he’s won the Masters, only instead of a green jacket he’s getting a blue jacket, and instead of winning the Masters he’s going to be executed wearing a blue jacket.

Dennis the Menace, 8/21/11

Kudos to Dennis and/or the current hired hands churning out “Hank Ketchum’s Dennis the Menace” for avoiding the obvious wordplay response to “Margaret’s goin’ places” (“Goin’ too many places, if you ask me!”) and instead heading into much creepier territory. Dennis suddenly steps into the shoes of his greatest enemy; now that he realizes that Mr. Wilson is a human being with feelings like himself, his life will never be the same. This sudden act of empathy comes with a physical manifestation: Dennis is emitting a Mr. Wilson-style single bead of sweat in the final panel, indicating a simmering, child-hating rage, though the fact that it appears to be flowing down the outside of his hair is a little confusing.

Mary Worth, 8/21/11

“I knew I had to see Bobby before I left! In my mind, I could already imagine him after our family vanished into the witness protection program, his arms raised as he begged the mob thugs hot on our trail for his life.”

Gasoline Alley, 8/21/11

Slim’s suffering still counts for this post because he’s an idiot man-child, which is a type of child, right? Anyway, I’m not sure this comic has a punchline beyond “Slim is a simpleton,” but then, it probably doesn’t really need one.

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Blondie, 8/20/11

Signs you’ve been in the comics-mocking business too long: you find yourself growing outraged that Dagwood isn’t heading to his usual aggressively wacky drive-through fast-food joint, Clown Burger, whose “Say … then pay!” motto strips down the industrially farmed beef acquisition process to its barest essence. Sports Burger, while even more drably named, seems intent on riding its gimmick hard, forcing its poor employees to engage in faux-football banter that they’re surely not being paid enough to spout with any real enthusiasm. Over at Clown Burger, the only clowniness comes in the form of the no doubt grubby ceramic clown head that you shout your order into. Still, I guess I can’t fault Dagwood for craving a little variety; since he seems to eat about nine meals a day, he needs to spread his food-purchasing love around a bit.

Marmaduke, 8/20/11

I really enjoy the insouciant way that Marmaduke’s owners’ daughter is lording over this empire of crime, sprawled casually as she is in an overstuffed easy chair that Marmaduke no doubt dragged from some poor soul’s living room in the midst of an orgy of screams and broken glass and carnage. He’ll allow her to believe that she’s part of his kleptomaniacal posse, right up to the part where he eats her.