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Family Circus, 4/21/11

Oh, Dolly, since you’re the only girl child in a clan of reactionary imbeciles, I always knew you were doomed to a sad, lonely life, but … monitoring Jeffy’s hygeine? Running your finger along the bristles of his toothbrush, and tattling triumphantly when you fail to find evidence of Jeffy-slobber? This is all you can come up with for entertainment? Is there no mud to sullenly poke at? No walls to stare at? No long, elaborate prayers to numbly recite? This is what’s fun, for you?

Apartment 3-G, 4/21/11

We’ve been watching the long build-up to Tommie as a singing sensation, but I’m pretty sure that we’ve never actually seen her write a song, and now hobo tramp producer svengali Dan Diller is browbeating her into quitting her play (quitting her job comes next, presumably) and trying to churn a bunch of them out. Anyway, I’ve been eagerly awaiting the part of this storyline where Tommie fails and her dreams are crushed, and I think we’re just … about … there.

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Gil Thorp, 4/20/11

“Ease up” has pretty much been my all-time favorite two-word combination in Gil Thorp ever since it served as a prelude to Coach Kaz bending time and space with his hairy, hairy fists. I’m frankly hoping that this board meeting ends in fisticuffs, as that’s about the only interesting follow-up there can be to phrases like “deficit task force,” “budget subcommitee [sic],” and “Hobart.”

Mary Worth, 4/20/11

Ha ha, Mary can’t even remember Dawn’s name. “You remember, he was fornicating with that nice Vera, and what’s-her-name, the underage girl who can’t get enough of the computer whosits. Whatever. Who do you think he’ll seduce and betray next?”

Family Circus, 4/20/11

That’s a nice big basket, Billy! In the spirit of the season, seeing as you’re the firstborn son and all, we’re going to use it as a boat, and put you inside it and float you down the River Nile. Maybe you’ll be adopted by a beautiful Egyptian princess! Only by “River Nile” we mean “the sewage culvert” and by “beautiful princess” we mean “one of those hobos who live in the tent city down by the sewage culvert.”

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Mark Trail, 4/19/11

Oh my God, John Thrasher’s been driven mad by the horrors he’s seen on the battlefields of Iraq Afghanistan Iraq Vietnam Korea (yeah, that seems about right) and has retreated into the deep woods, ready to unleash hell on whoever tries to talk him back to civilization. Seriously, is there a more badass name than “John Thrasher”? Mark might actually have a moment or two of difficulty in attempting to subdue this wayward PTSD case, though I’m less worried about his chances now that I know that he can just shake off a bullet to the head.

Beetle Bailey 4/19/11

Speaking of war-related trauma, Beetle Bailey seems to have taken a rather abrupt turn. After 50 years of living in some kind of peacetime paradise, the soldiers of Camp Swampy have suddenly been thrust into an apocalyptic worldwide war, in which they’ll be forced to fight until they qualify for old age benefits … if they live that long.

Gil Thorp, 4/19/11

Speaking of abrupt turns, two-thirds of the way through today’s Gil Thorp the creative team apparently decided that nobody would be able to follow the confusing softball drama and decided to switch to confusing corporate drama instead.

Ziggy, 4/19/11

At last, Ziggy has found someone he can look down on! It’s his goldfish. Does mocking and belittling your goldfish make you feel like a big man, Ziggy?