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Blondie, 3/3/11

There’s something I’m profoundly missing about today’s Blondie. Mostly, I’m completely befuddled as to what un-thought-ballooned thoughts we’re supposed to understand to be ruminating in the minds of the two characters in the second panel of this strip. Presumably it’s something that makes panel three funny, or at least makes it make sense. Is barber M. Morelli’s weirdly prominent nameplate relevant somehow? Is Dagwood pausing because he believes his dictatorial boss, whose spies are everywhere, might be listening in on him at this very moment? Perhaps he fears that the huge, unbroken pane of glass is a one-way mirror that Mr. Dithers is hiding on the other side of, seething.

Judge Parker, 3/3/11

Oh, look, the demonization of the latest female Judge Parker guest star is proceeding apace! Our formerly pleasant college student suddenly has turned hard-faced and cruel, as she pushes forward with marketing Judge Parker’s terrible thriller despite the death of her boss. Will we find out that Constance literally threw her boss under the bus? Will Constance’s plot end violently, and in turn become fodder for another Judge Parker book, which will be promoted by yet another murderess? I think I’m beginning to understand why the publishing world is in so much trouble.

Apartment 3-G, 3/3/11

Ha ha, I love Trey’s look of fish-lipped horror in panel two as he processes the phrase “life and stuff.” “My God, I thought he was just a rough-around-the-edges working-class guy, but no, he really is quite stupid.”

Mark Trail, 3/3/11

Oh my God, Mark’s been separated from his razor and is starting to show signs of a beard! HE’S BECOME WHAT HE HATES THE MOST.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 3/3/11

Oh, hey, and someone tried to hire June Morgan as a stripper! So there’s that.

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Dennis the Menace, 3/2/11

No matter what your opinion of Dennis Mitchell’s ability to install fear via menacing, you have to admit that he’s generally speaking one of the comics’ less introspective characters. Thus, this little scene is actually kind of poignant. He’s too old to menace people Marvin-style by crapping in his drawers, and too young to slap on some Drakkar Noir and menace the ladies with his aggressive adolescent sexuality. So he just looks glumly at his half-eaten cookie. Is this all there is? Cookies? Man, this is no kind of life.

Mary Worth, 3/2/11

It’s come to my attention that some of you don’t know who Iris is. Iris is Wilbur’s girlfriend, so you may have “forgotten” about her in the sense that your brain, in a vain attempt to make the world make sense, refuses to store the words “Wilbur’s” and “girlfriend” next to each other. Anyway, it’s pretty rich that Iris is waxing about how she eventually learned she had to let li’l Tommy out of the nest, because, of course, this is the sort of decision Tommy made on his own:

The world famous Tommy the Tweaker storyline was the very first Mary Worth plot covered on this blog, and if you missed it it’s totally worth your while to start here and work your way forward. Long story short, I think we all know now that Dawn is building an illicit Twitter lab in her room, and we’re on a collision course with heartbreak and/or wackiness.

Wizard of Id, 3/2/11

Hey, remember yesterday, when the Wizard of Id made no sense but at least didn’t involve eating cockroaches? God, I long for that more innocent time.

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Lockhorns, 3/1/11

Wow, if you had asked me, “Which comics couple has a whole secret life in which they run pharming parties and ingest massive amounts of bootleg prescription drugs?”, the Lockhorns would not have been my answer. (Connie and Walt from Zits would have been my number one choice, for the record.) I’m pretty sure this is the first Lockhorns panel I’ve seen where both halves of the titular hell-couple are smiling at the same time, even though Leroy’s got the squiggly-smile that is this comic’s shorthand for intoxication of one sort or another. I’m not sure who the anonymous foreground lady is supposed to be, but Loretta is clearly very excited about introducing her to the mind-altering bounty in that box of wonderful pharmaceutical treats from our neighbors to the north.

Mary Worth, 3/1/11

“Let me tell you something, Wilbur. Your daughter’s lived with you her whole life, so I have to imagine that she’s been forced to watch what I just saw — you inhaling a hamburger right out of your hands, barely pausing to chew — over and over again. So you can’t blame her for developing defensive strategies. I sure wish I had been facing a computer screen instead of facing you when that happened. I kind of wish there were a computer screen between the two of us right now, or maybe just a thick concrete or metal barrier of some kind.”

Wizard of Id, 3/1/11

Aw, isn’t that nice! Remember, whether you’re a prisoner of your job and the low social status associated with it, or just an actual, literal prisoner, you can still escape your bonds and drudgery with the power of your imagination. In this case, the imaginary journey involves macking on sexy ladies, I guess? Seriously, I have no idea what the hell is supposed to be going on here.

Dick Tracy, 3/1/11

The reason we put up with month after month of aimless insanity in Dick Tracy is that, eventually, any given plot will suddenly resolve itself into a brief episode of visceral, nightmarish horror, which remains incomprehensible on any kind of intellectual level but will still be seared into your consciousness, forever. Anyway, as today’s strip features a mass murderer in a gimp mask squirming in terror at the arrival of hundreds of bloodthirsty rats, I think it’s safe to say that this stage of the narrative has arrived.