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The Phantom, 8/1/23

The current Phantom storyline, broadly defined, has consisted of Old Man Mozz prophesying for our hero multiple different versions of how his plan to spring pirate, but for good/sexual-tension-with-the-Phantom-haver Savarna from Gravelines prison might work out. They all work out bad, in the long run, due to various Dramatic Ironies, but our hero has decided to go for it anyway, or at least I think so, because we’ve had long versions of the story play out in the strip before that have just turned out to be Mozz’s narrative and not the “real” action in the strip, and maybe this time will work out the same. But my point is that this night, and its consequences across branching timelines, has been going on more than two years at this point, so I wouldn’t say it’s ended too soon at all! I think we could pretty much wrap it up, if I’m being blunt about it.

Gil Thorp, 8/1/23

Good news, Toby! Thanks to the Supreme Court’s unanimous decision in NCAA v. Alston, college athletes can now profit from endorsement deals, so on the off chance that this year’s last place Conference USA program decides to juice interest and alumni donations by recruiting the kids who played in “that child prison football game that they ended up having all the Congressional hearings about,” you’ll be able to do sponcon on your Insta and TikTok accounts, probably for vape cartridge manufacturers. Everybody wins!

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 8/1/23

Can one law enforcement officer truly keep on top of fishcrime, beastcrime, and mancrime? Truly this is an impossible task!

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/31/23

OK, I actually can’t decide now if this is supposed to be Mud being canny or if this app was made by Rene, who got Mud to sign something that gave him the rights to all musical output produced by Mud’s “Fergus” persona, a contract he naively thinks he can somehow enforce in court while he’s currently on the lam for attempted murder. If it’s the former, though, I can see why Buck might be upset, since he dumped (ha ha, get it) Mud as a client due to the pants-shitting incident and now isn’t entitled to a cut of that sweet, sweet app subscription money.

Slylock Fox, 7/31/23

Look, man, do you want to turn kids into communists? Because that’s what you’re going to do when your “Comics for Kids” feature has strips where the state dedicates valuable ratiocination resources to protecting people with yachts and solid gold chess sets from little guys in tiny boats. Sure, Shady is technically in the wrong, but why is it that we’re less than a generation into the Glorious Animal Regime and there’s already such a huge disparity in wealth, hmm?

Dustin, 7/31/23

Being a mom and wife to these two guys in particular is definitely the toughest job in the world.

Mary Worth, 7/31/23

From the producers of THE MUFFENING comes a new dimension in horror: NIGHT OF THE BANANA COOKIES

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/30/23

Welp, it seems that, now that he’s unshackled from his scam artist guru, our boy Mud Mountain Murphy is going all out to license his brand across multiple platforms to reach key demographics! Little kids simply can’t get enough of roots country, is what I’ve heard, and also like hearing the same song over and over again, just like Mud’s adult fans do, so a tablet app is great for that, assuming it charges a $4.99/month subscription that’s impossible to get off your credit card. Kids love the bit where he pretends to shit himself too, of course, but that’s bonus content that costs extra.

Hagar the Horrible, 7/30/23

Wow, Hagar the Horrible is doing a strip about a problematic age gap! I guess the comics really have gone woke.