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Dick Tracy, 5/6/11

Sure, the characters in Dick Tracy under the new artists have recognizable faces and hands that bear some passing resemblance to human appendages, but we longtime readers must know if the retooled strip will really meet the levels of depravity we demand. While nobody’s died horribly yet on-panel, this plotline, which had previously been about the Plentys and their freakishly ugly baby winning some kind of contest from a flour company, just took a turn for the hilarious as we learn that said flour company is using its legal white-powder-distribution networks to sneak blow into the well-muscled arms of hilariously stereotyped drug dealers. Except there’s been a wacky mixup! One that has, one presumes, delivered a mountain of cocaine to the Plentys! If next week features their unwitting manic binge, I think all of us monsters who read this strip will be pretty pleased.

Judge Parker, 5/6/11

Wait a minute, Constance! Maybe the Japanese tsunami was her fault! Do you know for sure that her company wasn’t working on some terrifying and highly profitable doomsday device? It’s best to get all the facts when dealing with people with super-villainous jobs.

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Spider-Man, 5/5/11

I was about to give this dreary Spider-Man vampire plot credit for its first genuine bit of horror, as Martine and Morbius’s eyes are suddenly and without explanation transformed into awful, toothy mouths, but then I realized that their pupils have just turned into bats — very, very crudely drawn bats — and it’s supposed to be, like, symbolic or whatever.

Apartment 3-G, 5/5/11

Ha, and now that Trey’s softened up the old man, Margo comes in to apply some brutality. “I hope the money’s coming from Herriman and Fowler! Just make that check out to ‘Trey and Margo’s sex vacation fund,’ or my associate here will be forced to do terrible, terrible things to you, and not the fun kind.”

Funky Winkerbean, 5/5/11

Have you been thinking, “Damn it, I wish Les would stop toying with these two women who for unexplainable reasons are attracted to him and just pick one to share his lovemaking stylings with”? Well, I’ll bet you’re sorry now.

Mark Trail, 5/5/11

As Mark squirmed into his cocoon, he thought of the many long-haired and bearded men whom he had defeated via fisticuffs over the years. But little did he know that he would soon be facing his greatest nemesis ever: Jesus Christ.

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Beetle Bailey, 5/4/11

Well, it’s Wednesday, and as all Beetle Bailey trufans know, that means it’s time for Miss Buxley to be sexually humiliated! There have been few visions in this strip more unsettling than General Halftrack and his two lackeys grinning maniacally, sitting two feet away from a computer screen, looking at sexy swimsuit pics of their secretary, who in turn is sitting only about five feet away from them. Notice that only one hand is visible on those gentlemen! I guess we should be thankful that the base’s chaplain at least disapproves, though not to the extent that he’s going to actually say anything non-passive-aggressive about it.

Spider-Man, 5/4/11

Speaking of sexy outfits, when Martine became a vampire, she apparently became a sexy vampire, if by “sexy” you mean “wearing some high-cut leotard-esque thing with a cape.” Sadly, I can’t appreciate the erotic vampire-thigh on display because I’m distracted/horrified by Mary Jane’s looming semi-conscious face at the bottom of the third panel. You have to give the artist credit for really trying nail the perspective right in his attempt to show the viewer what it would look like to be standing on some poor passed out woman’s chin while watching a couple of ludicrously dressed vampires have a domestic squabble a few feet away.