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Crankshaft, 10/7/10

Every day this week, as I scroll my way through my Houston Chronicle custom comics page and get close to the Cs, I’ve thought to myself, “Surely — surely — today’s Crankshaft will not once again feature Jeff and Pam sitting in a hospital room, fondly repeating Crankshaft’s terrible pun-like utterances, while the ’Shaft himself lies nearby in an opiate-induced stupor.” Yet day after day, that is exactly what I find. You know how sometimes sitcoms have clip shows, where they save money by filming a few minutes of new material as a framing device around flashbacks to previous episodes? Well, at least those shows have the decency to show you the clips. This is the equivalent of a sitcom where the characters just sit around a room and say, “Hey, remember that time when something hilarious happened?” and then describe it. Oh, and also, it isn’t hilarious.

Since it’s rare to see Crankshaft wholly silent and motionless for four days in a row, I began to wonder if maybe he had died, of shame, after hearing all his terrible malapropisms repeated back to him. But then I remembered that he has no shame. He still might have died of an intestinal blockage, though.

Spider-Man, 10/7/10

Oh, sassy Spider-Man narration box, you never disappoint! So, in what ironic way will Aunt May be treated like a queen? Will she be beheaded in front of a jeering mob for her crimes agains the poor? Will she be forced to marry a perfect stranger in order cement an alliance between her land and a neighboring kingdom? Will her theater experience be ruined by peasants begging her to lay hands on them and cure their scrofula?

Pluggers, 10/7/10

Pluggers know that there’s no better revenge on your never-calling, never-visiting, never-thank-you-note-writing, rap-music-blaring grandchildren than a loving and detailed description of your sex life.

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My Cage, 10/6/10

Have I ever mentioned in this space that My Cage has been cancelled by King Features? Well, if I haven’t, My Cage is being cancelled by King Features, which is too bad because (a) I like it and (b) it’s not a 70-year-old strip being churned out by the grandsons of the strip creator. Anyway, the strip is spending its last month in newspapers in a cloud of meta, and since I’m a sucker for attention, I’m happy to repost this installment, which name-checks my site and an insult given herein. Cathy was able to attend the awards ceremony at the last minute since she now has no other commitments, but she ought to know that a strap-on duckbill does not a fursuit make.

Crock, 10/6/10

Dear creators of Crock: Despite the fact that the two concepts are often discussed in similar contexts, there is a difference between “camouflage” and “body armor”! Nevertheless, I hope the confusion in this strip arises from your confusing these two things, because otherwise it is nothing but a howling pit of gibbering madness.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 10/6/10

It should come as a surprise to no one that Hootin’ Holler’s one law-enforcement official is thoroughly corrupt, but the extremely paltry sum with which the locals can buy justice is a shocking commentary on the depths of the community’s economic despair.

Pluggers, 10/6/10

I don’t know which premise here I find less believable: that pluggers, whose lives are notoriously empty and meaningless, might be in a hurry to get somewhere, or that pluggers would even bother going to a restaurant whose very name implies that they’ll be forced to use a fork with their meal.

Apartment 3-G, 10/6/10

Who wants to see Margo ruin a perfectly nice wedding with her terrible behavior, just so nobody ever asks her to be a bridesmaid again? Me! Me! I want to see Margo ruin a perfectly nice wedding with her terrible behavior, just so nobody ever asks her to be a bridesmaid again!

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Apartment 3-G, 10/5/10

Oh, Lu Ann, never try to open up and have some personal sharing time with the master of emotional jujitsu. “I had feelings for Jack.” “Yes, he flirted with me too.” Ha ha, see how that went? Margo never got all handsy with Jack, oh no. Sorry your little feelings got hurt, though, Lu Ann! Margo sympathizes in an abstract way, but does not understand these “feelings” of which you speak.

Gil Thorp, 10/5/10

“Ease up!” Everyone knows that in Gil Thorp these two words are the prelude to hilarious violence. And indeed the person being admonished to so ease himself is last football season’s protagonist, simmering rage case/teen alcoholic Duncan Daley, so things seem to be going exactly as planned.

Spider-Man, 10/5/10

Peter’s sullen expression in panel three is priceless. “Aww, here we go, a big guilt trip about how we never schlep out to Queens to hang out with this old bag. I knew we should have scalped the extra ticket!”

Pluggers, 10/5/10

Does Pluggers have a long list of “pluggers go to the bathroom a lot” jokes to get maximum milage out of the template for this drawing? Apparently!

Marvin, 10/5/10

Ha ha, it’s funny because even the dog is repulsed by the smell of Marvin’s feces!