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Funky Winkerbean, 5/19/10

Oh, Funky Winkerbean, I’m glad you’ve finally decided to give in and just embrace emotional devastation as the engine for all your drama. Today’s strip, both in form and in content, could be the basis for some bleak avant-garde art film that would play tiny, pretentious cinemas in New York and LA for two weeks before being released in a Criterion Collection DVD. For those of you not familiar with all the ins and outs of the strip’s depressing backstory: the brown-haired lady who is attempting to bust in on Les’s budding sexless romance with Cayla is Susan, who, pre-time-jump, was one of Les’s students who developed a crush on him for some incomprehensible reason, and who tried to kill herself (the incident depicted in the second panel) when her advances were spurned. Thus, what we have here is pretty much “mild low-level flirting mild low-level flirting INTRUSIVE SHARED BUT UNSPOKEN MEMORIES OF HORROR mild low-level flirting,” which is pretty hardcore. The kicker, for me, is the panel two’s “sepia-toned photo in an old-timey album” motif, which serves as a visual cue for flashbacks in the Funkyverse. In this case, it colors a grim, painful moment with a sort of ghastly nostalgia, as if Susan and Les will be laughing about it in retrospect after the consummate their mopey love.

Also, I know that the time jump wasn’t supposed to move us a decade forward in absolute time, but I’m not sure which prospect I find more unsettling: that big shoulder pads will be back in style for ladies by 2020, or that they’re coming back into style now.

Dennis the Menace, 5/19/10

Since I basically just egged Funky Winkerbean on to whatever Grand Guignol emotional excesses it might dare to achieve, I guess it’s OK for me to express my disappointment that we’ve missed Mr. Wilson’s loving descriptions of all the tortures Dennis the Menace’s damned soul will be experiencing, in hell.

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Mary Worth, 5/18/10

I have yet to read any of the comments you fine people have put up about today’s comics, but I look forward to any number of angry diatribes from mental health professionals about how Mary’s crockpot 30-second visualization exercises are in fact not an adequate treatment regimen for hoarding and other obsessive-compulsive disorders, and that she should instead seek help from a trained therapist who specializes in these issues. Or, who knows? Maybe there’ll be comments from people who say that, yes, this is exactly the way to break out of addictive behavior, hooray for Mary! I kind of doubt it, though.

One thing I’m not looking forward to is the inevitable crass suggestion that Mary is attempting to force Bonnie to her knees in panel two so that our poor shopping addict might sexually service her. Please! Mary simply wants Bonnie to prostrate herself and offer her the worship that she deserves, for her heroic meddling efforts. The feelings of pleasure Mary will derive from this go far beyond the sordid enjoyments of the flesh.

Herb and Jamaal, 5/18/10

Wow, this went very quickly, and with a lot of leaps of linguistic logic, from “You will rest your head on a needlessly uncomfortable object” to “God, my domestic life is SUFFOCATING ME.” But, hey, I’m not in a position to argue with whatever these two guys need to do to lay the groundwork for a camping trip full of on-the-down-low gay sex, I guess.

Six Chix, 5/18/10

This comic would have worked a lot better if the waitress had a pair of cooked human babies on her plate.

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Your COTW coming in a moment, but first: It’s another podcast starring your favorite blogger (assuming that I’m your favorite blogger, which I OBVIOUSLY AM). I did the War Rocket Ajax podcast with comics bloggers Euge Ahn and Chris Sims. We discuss, among other things, our secret love for Curtis, and fought our way through various technical difficulties. I even took questions from the newfangled Twitter machine. Good times!

And now, your COMMENT OF THE WEEK!

“You gotta admire Peter Parker. It takes a lot of skill, determination, dedication, and guts to watch as much TV as he does and still be unable to work the remote buttons with one hand.” –Dragon of Life

And the runners up! Very hilarious!

“Mark Trail has got to be Monday’s funniest comic strip. Look at Sassy run from Rusty and his terrible, perverted promises!” –sloopygoop

“It appears to be a fashion frump-off. Who can have the highest neckline?” –Rusty

“Peter is going to surprise MJ by going to his wife’s show instead of watching TV all night? Who is he trying to fool? Kudos though on setting the marital bar so low that any effort to care about MJ gets you showered with sex.” –Shawn S.

“‘Too close’ to Marvin means ‘within smelling distance’. So … pretty far, actually.” –Sue D. Nymme

“I’ll surprise MJ by finally pretending to show interest in something that she does. I truly AM a hero … now for my morning bowl of gin and breadcrumbs.” –Cooler King

“What’s that can in Peter’s hand? Is it a special energy drink for whiners?” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“The rain is just a red herring. Dennis is holding a newspaper over his head, asking if he can stay with Mr. Wilson until the inevitable demise of print media. Luckily, that will happen well before the thunderstorm is over.” –Patrick

“Am I the only one who gets that Margo, in order to set an example, is going to assault Lu Ann using sticks and stones?” –Push Trot

“The intimate moment between skilled farmer and nostalgic cow would be easier to bear without the two pairs of eyes staring directly into my soul, probing me for judgment. You will find none here, you two, continue for all time.” –Nachos Supreme

“I fear that the terrible green shirt in Mary Worth is headed for the ‘keep’ pile. Oh Mary, haven’t you hurt Bonnie enough?” –Les of the Jungle Patrol

“I completely connect with the Senator’s need to announce the vague details of his job. Many’s the time I stopped by the local watering hole, proudly held my finger aloft, and said ‘I delivered educational instruction to fourth graders today!’ Then an old guy talks about poop.” –salmo

“You know what would be a really funny Luann strip? Quinn: ‘So, tomorrow we’ll both get naked and I’ll thrust my penis into your vagina repeatedly until I ejaculate.’ Luann: ‘Be sure to stimulate my clitoris so I have an orgasm.’ Tiffany walks in and for some reason gets the mistaken idea that Luann & Quinn are planning on having sex. Hilarity ensues.” –Nekrotzar

“Luann’s eyes have always looked like a Muppet’s eyes to me. Vacant, soulless Muppet eyes.” –Josh N.

“If this storyline follows the Trail template, the overalled driver’s next move will be to break into a closed store to get some kind of canine first-aid kit. Meanwhile, Mark will punch the horse because its face is hairy.” –Steve S.

“Since there are no bottles at the ‘British Pub,’ should we assume that the Bloody Mary will actually be made from blood?” –Digger

“I find it fascinating that the Gossip Fence in Hootin’ Holler is constructed merely by threading its railings through holes that have been cut into the uprights, whereas the barrette in Elviney’s pony-tail appears to be firmly riveted into place, if not in fact anchored in reinforced concrete.” –seismic-2

“The one-on-one intervention in Mary Worth has clearly been harrowing on our helmet-haired protagonist. She may look as fresh and put-together as always, but her usual icy rictus grin can’t hide her visibly missing index finger, no doubt bitten off by Bonnie when Mary tried to take the former’s credit cards.” –Paddy

“The letter M on the runner’s cap marks how far he got in learnin’ the alphabet before he had to quit school. Since he made it into the double digits (13 letters!), he is alternately feared and mocked as the community’s sole interlekchual.” –boojum

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