Post Content

Mary Worth, 4/14/10

Oh ho, compulsive shopping, everybody! That’s what this Mary Worth storyline is about! Compulsive shopping at comically misspelled stores like “Maisie’s” (which is totally not at all related to Macy★s Department Stores, a brand that would never encourage its customers to spend beyond their means, ha ha, please don’t sue us). When all is said and done here, Mary might look back on this shopping expedition with a bit of guilt, but probably won’t because she lacks self-awareness of any kind.

By the way, Bonnie, I recommend that you take Mary up on her offer and formulate your own ideas on how she can help you break out of your terrible shopoholism. Any treatment plan she designs on her own will involve gathering her friends to berate and insult you until you kill yourself out of shame.

Apartment 3-G, 4/14/10

Sad as I am that this plotline will apparently end without a single shot being fired, I do sort of like the casual way Martin has taken advantage of Bobbie’s distraction to disarm her, almost as if this is a scenario that played out dozens of times during their marriage. In fact, it would be extra hilarious if he went upstairs and informed Gabriella that he and his wife had rediscovered the spark in their relationship and that his proposal to her was hereby retracted.

Margo, meanwhile, has presumably dozed off on the floor, just as she did as a kid when Roberta would get all pill-happy and gun-crazy. Doesn’t hanging out with our parents always bring us back to our childhood behaviors?

Mark Trail, 4/14/10

So not only has former blond Adonis Buzz Miller been turned prematurely white-haired, but now Senator Pimphand, who once sported a dignified grey mane that belied his propensity for violence, has now subsequently rediscovered the russet locks of his youth! I think that we may be onto something very big here: Senator Slaps-a-Lot is actually stealing the life-energy of his constituents, like poor Ranger Miller. This vampiristic misdeed will make Senator Other Senator’s little Endangered Species Steakhouse operation look like small potatoes.

Crankshaft, 4/14/10

I have no idea what Jeff’s terrible lopsided facial expression in the final panel is supposed to denote. I’m guessing it’s “Oh my God, I am physically incapable of not making terrible unfunny puns, please, somebody stop me, I hate myself so much,” but it may also be “I am so high on prescription drugs — which were, uh, ‘in the water supply’ — that I cannot feel my face.”

Pluggers, 4/14/10

Deep down, pluggers know that they cannot replace their long-lost intimate life with their spouses with eating, endless eating, but that won’t stop them from trying.

Post Content

Mark Trail, 4/13/10

I can’t remember what task it was that Mark assigned to Ranger Miller while he took on the more dangerous and exciting job of tracking the Parker Brothers to their sinister poaching lair, but I’m reasonably sure that it wasn’t romancing bathing beauty Jan Harris. (As you can see from that previous strip, whatever sort of encounter the two had was so shocking that it turned the good ranger’s hair white.) And we can tell from Miller’s besotted blather that Jan is in turn just using her nubile body to influence the politically powerful ranger corps and keep the lake open for float-planing business. And then Mark has the nerve to suggest “a solution that will make everyone happy!” These people all disgust me, and they make the Parker Brothers, who just want everyone to be able to enjoy a delicious moose steak without Big Government getting in the way, look like heroes.

Apartment 3-G, 4/13/10

Wow, this is some serious anti-climax right here; even as he gently eases the gun from her hand, Martin can’t believe that he’s going to survive only because his estranged pill-crazed wife has been briefly distracted by a cell phone call from her boyfriend. This is extremely weak, and, just as many U.S. state legislatures are making it illegal to talk on a handheld cell phone while driving, so too should deranged would-be murderers everywhere make a pact to set their own mobile phones to vibrate, lest they lose their focus on writing a tale of vengeance using the blood of their enemies as ink.

Panels from 9 Chickweed Lane, 4/12/10, and Spider-Man, 4/13/10

There was a certain buzz in yesterday’s comments on the gape-mouth toothy horror in yesterday’s 9 Chickweed Lane, but for my money the looming, gnashy teeth of J. Jonah Jameson are much, much more terrifying. Maybe it’s a contest among comics artists? Whose teeth are you keen on not seeing? June Morgan’s? Les Moore’s? TJ’s? OH OH GOD TJ’S TEETH OH GOD OH GOD

Post Content

Your COTW in a moment, but first: surely you recall this charming COTW runner up from last week:

“Someone really ought to paint panel 1 of Bobbie and Margo on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. They can just paint over whatever’s there now.” –monsieurjohn

Well, faithful reader Brenda Starr Destroyer made that happen. Impressed?

And now, on to the business of the day — the COMMENT OF THE WEEK!

“That look on Sam’s face could be ‘Oh, that’s the guy who’s been nailing my little girl,’ but I prefer to think it’s, ‘A cart? And here I’ve always carried my baggage like a schmo.'” –gleeb

And your funny runners up:

“Don’t listen to her Bobbie! You put that gun down, she will swallow you whole! Like a snake!” –Rantingdude

“Clearly, Billy has decided to start a sandwich collection, and is disappointed to receive one he already has. It’s just like Pokemon cards, only his parents don’t think bread is the work of Satan.” –Andrusi

“The Magee household must have a hell of a thing to witness back in the day since two members of the family ask, ‘What’s going on?’ instead of ‘What’s with the gun?'” –skullcrusherjones

“Billy requires two sandwiches because of the extra stomach in his head.” –Rhekarid

“I love the POV of Gil Thorp’s panel 3. Now we know what the world looks like to Kaz’s left forearm! Hopefully they remember to turn the KazKam off before he hits the men’s room to drain all those lite beers.” –Krazy Kat

“With regard to ‘stepmother,’ I believe the term you’re looking for is ‘evil stepmother.'” –MKH, on the proper description for Bobbie’s relationship to Margo

“It is definitely a mistake to think that Ziggy has ever been within a mile of anything hip enough to be in UrbanDictionary. He’s referring to jacks, which he plays, like the game of life, badly and alone.” –MsMolly

“This is just a rerun of a strip from the 80s, with ‘iTunes’ in place of ‘Pac Man Fever’. And that was just a rerun of a strip from the 60s, with ‘Pac Man Fever’ in place of ‘chlamydia’.” —Chyron HR

“Last time we saw Mark he was in the lake with an overturned canoe after the hairy dudes took a shot at him. Now he is dry, with perfect hair and immaculately ironed clothes. Just more proof Mark is actually made out of plastic. You can also see this because his lips never move. Poor Cherry, I think she thought being married to a tall plastic pillar would be more fun.” –nerowolfgal

“Wow, I never noticed that poor Puddles never made it out of the old Evans drawing style. Puddles is some sort of sad, flabbily drawn, vestigial creature. Whoa … I felt a moment of compassion for him until I remembered that whole Puddles-centric Christmas adventure, where Puddles had thought balloons for what seemed like weeks on end, and romanced some sort of poodley girl dog, and ended up hangin’ with Santa. Fuck you, Puddles.” –Spotted HØrse, Jungle Steed

“Are there actually pluggers in Eugene, Oregon? Or is this ‘Glen Wolfram’ a U of O elitist who said to himself, ‘I dunno, Pluggers something something overeating. Hey, a writing credit’s a writing credit.'” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“The New York Campaign for Cruelty-free Food hung those banners, and ‘Free Pizza!’ is an imperative sentence, calling on the good people of New York to line up, march into Montoni’s, and take action in the name of good pizza. Each misbegotten crime against gastronomy, secured in a well-insulated pizza box, is quietly carried out to the dumpster and compassionately euthanized. Inside the crime scene, or ‘restaurant’, each rescuer is permitted to punch Funky or Les in the face.” –Walker of Dog

“The safeword is ‘Rosebud’ because it’s the last thing you’ll say before you die.” –The TJ

Big thanks to everyone who put cash in my tip jar! And we must of course give thanks to our advertisers:

• Pet the kitty!: Birthday cards, graduation cards, cards for every day; mugs, t-shirts, and assorted nerd schwag. LABKITTY: Stuff for Smart Cats! (One of the creative minds behind this site is faithful reader SmartPeopleOnIce — be sure to let him and his fellow LabKitty designers know what you think on the site feedback page!)
• Alibi Comics T-shirts: Funny alibis. Wear your alibi…or someone else’s. Funny T-shirts, accessories, other clothing.

To find out more about how you could be thanked in this spot — and how you could be the launch advertiser for our new RSS feed sponsorship — click here.