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Luann, 3/10/10

I have emphasized repeatedly that I find the Brad-Toni relationship gross, but I do feel a need to mention now and again that I also find aspects of it — in particular, the weird ultra-chastity in practice underneath the layers of innuendo — baffling. Not necessarily because there aren’t young adults out there who for whatever reason hold back on the sexing, but because their relationship isn’t treated as unusually chaste; in fact, it’s treated as some kind of dangerous, smoldering time-bomb of lust that could destroy the world if not carefully monitored by Brad’s mother. Take Toni’s dialogue in the first panel today: “Don’t tell your mom I’m here! She’ll think I hang out!” Not … hanging out! Is there really a parent in America today whose adult offspring must hide the fact that his or her significant other is spending time at said offspring’s own house in what appears to be the middle of the day? Does Mrs. DeGroot expect that Brad and Toni will be interacting solely at church socials and via long, flowery letters up until the day they marry?

The thing is, I honestly don’t believe that anyone involved in the creation of the strip — not Greg Evans, and not his syndicate — thinks this is how humans in 21st century mainstream America behave. But there must be some kind of editorial edict handed down from on high that declares any mention or hint of sexuality between non-married people be completely verboten. But Evans seems to really want to do “Mrs. DeGroot is threatened by Toni’s sexual interest in Brad,” for some reason, which, taking those restrictions into account, ends up as “Mrs. DeGroot is threatened by any contact between Brad and Toni of any sort.” It just reads as … off, which is not really what you want in a comic strip, I don’t think.

Meanwhile, if we’re looking for things that are gross, let’s take note of the almost invisible musical “Hi honey” coming out of Brad’s phone in panel three.

Mark Trail, 3/10/10

And yet Mark Trail, of all strips, has no apparent qualms about depicting raw sexuality out in the country, with a sexy ranger and sexy backwoodsman’s daughter sexily sizing each other up, for sex. Buzz offers the most hilariously nonspecific and uninteresting explanation possible of his presence in her neck of the woods in panel three, and Jan’s reply that this mushy amalgam of vagueness “sounds interesting” indicates that she isn’t even listening to the blah blah coming out of his pretty mouth; she’s more interested in getting into those electric blue jeans and finding out if the carpet matches the drapes. (It doesn’t, if the eyebrows are any indication.)

Meanwhile, in the background, Mark appears to be on the verge of humping a Ski-Doo. Hey, man, whatever floats your boat! Literally!

Hagar the Horrible, 3/10/10

In other cartoon sex news, Hagar is supposed to be a sympathetic viewpoint character, despite his attempts to cheat on his long-suffering wife with ladies in Viking bars. The really weird aspect of this is that this is actually more or less a repeat of a four and a half year old joke, right down to the strip’s composition, and yet it’s been somewhat rewritten and apparently completely redrawn. Why not just take it to its logical conclusion and just run the damn thing again?

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Gasoline Alley, 3/9/10

In order to keep their iron grip on their last remaining pool of paying customers — old people — newspapers are spreading the lie that consuming print media sates your hunger because it supplies you with nutrients as well as information. You should totally be spending your money on the paper rather than cat food, seniors!

Mary Worth, 3/9/10

“I mean, she didn’t love you so much that she wasn’t sleeping with other people, but, uh, free spirit, yeah. Plus I imagine that her career as a Minnie Pearl impersonator was really taking off then, so she couldn’t afford to settle down.”

Crankshaft, 3/9/10

And that’s when Pan and Jeff knew for sure that Crankshaft’s rambling diatribe over dinner the previous week, in which the old man had vowed to “track down and murder each and every one of those mouse-eared bastards while they sleep,” was no idle boast. The police couldn’t stop him. The army couldn’t stop him. They would have to take care of this themselves.

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Your COTW momentarily, but first, some items of note! Last week I noted that one might need to (horrors) leave the house and go to the local library to find old soap opera strips, but faithful reader AndyL has another suggestion: the omnipotent Google! Yes, our cybernetic overlord has scanned back images of newspapers, allowing you to see things like Judge Parker from 1963, Apartment 3-G from 1967 (did someone just get acid thrown in their face?), or Mary Worth in 1962. (You may have to scroll around a bit in order to get to those strips.)

Also, faithful reader fillmoreeast offers evidence (cribbed from here) that many of your favorite comics characters once hawked high fructose corn blobs, including (shudder) Marvin.

What A Guy is apparently a comic from Reiner and Hoest, the same people who brought you the Lockhorns. I have no idea what it was about, but I hope it was about some little kid who just always goes around kissing everyone’s ass, proclaiming “What a guy!” about anyone at the drop of hat. As an aded bonus, fillmoreeast points us to another Google-indexed historical moment, this one from 1988, in which a Lakeland Ledger reader from Tampa writes in to complain that her beloved “cute” What A Guy has been replaced by some newfangled thing called Calvin and Hobbes, which she calls “OK but very uninteresting.”

And on that note, here is your totally interesting comment of the week!

“Petey’s pretty flagrant with his web-slinging there, but good job to him for not blurting out, ‘IT WAS SPIDER-MAN AKA PETER PARKER.'” –He Brought Queenie Baby Jesus

And your runners up! Also funny!

“Mark Trail: “Ummm … people who punch out a Senator get arrested pretty damned instantly. You ‘expressed concern’ to the wildlife office? I can hear Leonard Nimoy in panel three saying ‘Most illogical.'” –ignatz

“It doesn’t seem to have occurred to Peter that none of these costumes comes with a mask. Which is why ‘Mary Jane Watson’s husband climbs a building in a wizard suit’ is bound to be number 1 on YouTube tomorrow.” –BigTed

“How is that broom hanging from the rack? Is the hook part of the prop? Now all Peter needs is a fake mustache and a spinning bow-tie, and he’s all set to unleash some vaudeville justice.” –bman

“I’m less concerned about Mark talking to Mr. Spock than I am that Boss Hogg is apparently a U.S. Senator now.” –BRWombat

“Is it possible that Batuik is going to impose his own version of Chekov’s Law of Economy in Narrative? ‘If you find a gun in the first panel, it must be completely forgotten by the third, to make way for more suffering and disease’?” –Calvin’s Cardboard Box

“I didn’t know that they sold Lockhorn dolls?! It even comes in a ‘What has two thumbs and hasn’t had sex in forty years?’ pose.” –LUJBEM FEJF

“Panel 1 from A3G is golden. Look at her face! Poor Tommie, moping through life in the shadow of one roommate and the all-encompassing eclipse of the other, has just had her last and final hope of at least a normal life — that age comes hand in hand with wisdom — crushed by the wisest and most honest person she knows. It’s powerful, tragic and, at the very centre of the issues at hand, takes place during someone else’s storyline. Now let’s watch as the story writes itself from here as Tommie’s crushing depression begins to suffocate her, but only in the throwaway Sunday panels most papers don’t even run.” –Black Drazon

“Also, just to make Gunther’s month complete, he let his subscription to Needy Loser magazine expire! Go figure!” –Marion Delgado

“It’s good to see Mark consulting the Romulans on political matters. They served him well in providing a wife.” –migellito

“I think if you were to tell Tommie that ‘life isn’t fair,’ she would be genuinely surprised to hear it. ‘Golly, I always thought it was! Hmmm. Now that you mention it, that makes a lot of sense. Explains a lot, really, like my string of failed relationships or the fact that I share an apartment with the modern-day Lucrezia Borgia.'” –Joe Blevins

“Dawn can’t wait to see the crushing disappointment on Wilbur’s face; it’s like Christmas, only with tears!” –True Fable

“Re: Wilbur (advice columnist) and Toots (slacker/drifter), methinks I detect the mayo-smeared fingerprints of the vast international Sandwich Lobby in the comics. Is nothing sacred? (Other than, perhaps, Baconnaise.)” –mvg

“If it’s 1960, why aren’t the ladies sipping sherry? It’s obviously after 9 a.m.” –shermy glamrocker

“A rare early Family Circus panel depicts the prequel to Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? with a hydrocephalic Dolly in the title role. Note the audience of matronly drag queens she has invited into the living room, to the horror of her mother.” –Doug Starr Twinkle

“Ok, if faced with the fill-in-the-blank ‘you’re a ___ couple if you can wear each other’s jeans,’ I’d have said gay. Why is Pluggers insulting my people like that? (Obviously I meant that as a gay, not as a monstrous suburban furry.)” –edp

“It’s heavy … but I like it. I could probably crush an esophagus pretty easily with this. Now cough up some real money, you hippie.” –Taquelli

“GT: GO Ñ!” –Red Greenback

“Toots’ plan to remain hidden will fail because 1) Sarah has no way to conceal the skateboard, 2) June will detect his life signs with her tricorder, and 3) Abby just took the only food he’s had in days. He’ll be found out by nightfall (aka ‘late May 2010’).” –Ed Dravecky

“Strangely enough, Peter Parker has hit upon the perfect costume for a Miami super-hero: ‘Raving at an all-night beach circuit party in an angel costume, mild-mannered Rafi Aguilar was transformed into the Amazing Guardian Angel when he took ecstasy laced with radioactive ketamine!!” –teddytoad

“I find it strange that Mr. Prisoner has a checkbook in prison, where the barter system is the accepted mode of paying debts. Sam should have held out for $100,000 worth of cigarettes and/or blowjobs.” –Rusty

“Be careful with your addictions, Wilbur. Sandwiches are comforting, but they’re a just a ‘gateway’ food. Soon, you’ll begin experimenting with wraps, then pita pockets and gyros. I only pray you’ll seek help before you find yourself drawn helplessly into the dark underworld of paninis.” –Perky Bird

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