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Mary Worth, 2/26/10

As I’ve noted before, there are few things in this world that fill me with more loathing and disgust than Wilbur’s happiness, so I hereby give Mary the go-ahead to unleash whatever joy-killing meddle she’s so transparently plotting. Ugh, what are Kurt and Wilbur even doing in that second panel? “Hey, let’s go down to the Old Unmowed Hillock. Okay, wait, let me clamber up a few steps … ha ha, look, I’m taller than you! Whee, isn’t this fun! OK, now hold your arms out, I’m going to jump into them!”

Also, confidential to the Mary Worth artists: Please do not dress Wilbur in white, and if you do, please do not depict him from the waist up only, as he looks disconcertingly like a shmoo.

Dennis the Menace, 2/26/10

Dennis realizes that he would have been much more menacing if he had been raised by a pack of feral dogs.

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Apartment 3-G, 2/25/10

Looks like Bobbie’s traded in her formerly subtle dye job for Miss Clairol’s Brassy ’n’ Sassy™! This no doubt heralds the fact that a full-on manic episode is in progress, which can only mean hilarious good times. “Hope you like red, Ari! I’ve painted all the walls and every item in the apartment, including the food!”

Mark Trail, 2/25/10

Boy, this whole sequence has really destroyed my image of Mark as a bastion of righteous honesty, or at least too simple to understand the concept of “lying.” He hasn’t just been blatantly misleading his wife; he’s also wholly misrepresenting what went down with the senator and the Parker Brothers. Sure, we all exaggerate a little when we’re hangin’ with our buddies in some disused hospital office, enjoying some refreshing cans of off-brand energy drink, and maybe on Planet Mark Trail senators getting into physical altercations doesn’t constitute news of any sort. But in general, I don’t call scenes like this “getting into a fight”; I call it “getting your ass handed to you.”

Mary Worth, 2/25/10

Hey, look who’s finally managed to fit an appearance in the strip named after her into her busy schedule! “Dear, I don’t have a lot of time, so let me just utter a single sentence that will destroy everyone’s chances for happiness, in between sips of your mediocre tea.”

Panel from Rex Morgan, M.D., 2/25/10

This panel will be on the front page of June Morgan’s new fetish Web site. “Is there anything you can do well for Mistress June, slave? No, don’t get up! Keep groveling!”

Marmaduke, 2/25/10

Marmaduke knows that babies are the most delicious.

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Mark Trail, 2/24/10

Oh, God, this whole conversation between Mark and Cherry is just lousy with lies and omissions. In Mark’s worldview, not only should ladies not engage in fisticuffs, they shouldn’t even hear about them if they can help it, as the shock would almost certainly result an attack of the vapors, and might cause their wombs to wander dangerously about their bodies. And, of course, the idea that Mark has any plans to go anywhere alone with Cherry, let alone on a trip to his beloved wilderness, is as laughable as the idea that Cherry is capable of feeling love, or indeed any emotion other than loneliness and panic.

Of course, it’s possible that I’m wildly misreading all of this, and, as Cherry languorously plays with the phone cord in panel one, she’s actually initiating a little erotic phone talk. One of those rare women who gets off on being cuckolded, she loves to hear Mark talk about when he and his “friends” “preserve” “wilderness areas.”

Gil Thorp, 2/24/10

Speaking of lies, it looks like Gil was able to use his smooth talk to get the local state college to break all of its confidentiality rules and gab about Steve Luhm’s academic status, revealing shocking information that’s not at all at odds with Steve’s explanation of the matter! Look, maybe the guy just really likes janitorial work and doesn’t see the point in taking on more student loans, OK? Certainly in panel two you can really get a sense of how upset he gets when you interrupt him with your jailbait antics while he’s in mid-mop.

Spider-Man, 2/24/10

Dear Spider-Man Newspaper Comic Strip:

When you depict your “hero” sitting around on a park bench, complaining about his own boredom and cowardice, asking pigeons for advice, it makes me think that you might actually be kind of in on the joke, which makes it harder for me to make fun of you. Please step back from the brink of ironic self-parody at once.

Yours,
The Comics Curmudgeon