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Archie, 2/27/10

I kind of love Jughead’s melodramatic hat-flipping drink-exploding spit-take of rage in panel three. It’s as if this final bit of Archie idiocy is just too much for him to handle. “Argh, I can’t believe I’ve been playing second banana to this moron for seventy years!”

Mary Worth, 2/27/10

If Mary Worth wants to dedicate a panel a day to Wilbur and Kurt’s ludicrous tomfoolery indefinitely, I for one would be OK with that. Today sets a hilariously low bar for the definition of “quality time.” “Hey Wilbur, hey Wilbur, check this out — I’m eating my own finger! Ha ha! No, don’t worry I’m not doing it really, but look, it looks like I am! Pretty funny, right?”

Spider-Man, 2/27/10

I’m sure these firefighters are just thrilled to have some out-of-town semi-employed “photojournalist,” armed with what appears to be a plastic Fisher-Price “My First Camera,” standing six inches behind them narrating every thought in his head aloud while they attempt to do their jobs. “Gosh, you guys, if we were in New York, Spider-Man could totally help me out right about now! But, uh, he doesn’t live here. Hey, is that someone burning to death upstairs? You guys? Anyone else hear that?”

Gil Thorp, 2/27/10

Aw, look how pleased Coach Kaz looks in the final panel — for once, someone is coming to him for advice! Sadly, it will just be another young man asking furtive questions about unbearable itching “down there,” proving once again why it’s a bad idea to overshare about your personal life when you’re substitute-teaching a high school health class.

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Mary Worth, 2/26/10

As I’ve noted before, there are few things in this world that fill me with more loathing and disgust than Wilbur’s happiness, so I hereby give Mary the go-ahead to unleash whatever joy-killing meddle she’s so transparently plotting. Ugh, what are Kurt and Wilbur even doing in that second panel? “Hey, let’s go down to the Old Unmowed Hillock. Okay, wait, let me clamber up a few steps … ha ha, look, I’m taller than you! Whee, isn’t this fun! OK, now hold your arms out, I’m going to jump into them!”

Also, confidential to the Mary Worth artists: Please do not dress Wilbur in white, and if you do, please do not depict him from the waist up only, as he looks disconcertingly like a shmoo.

Dennis the Menace, 2/26/10

Dennis realizes that he would have been much more menacing if he had been raised by a pack of feral dogs.

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Apartment 3-G, 2/25/10

Looks like Bobbie’s traded in her formerly subtle dye job for Miss Clairol’s Brassy ’n’ Sassy™! This no doubt heralds the fact that a full-on manic episode is in progress, which can only mean hilarious good times. “Hope you like red, Ari! I’ve painted all the walls and every item in the apartment, including the food!”

Mark Trail, 2/25/10

Boy, this whole sequence has really destroyed my image of Mark as a bastion of righteous honesty, or at least too simple to understand the concept of “lying.” He hasn’t just been blatantly misleading his wife; he’s also wholly misrepresenting what went down with the senator and the Parker Brothers. Sure, we all exaggerate a little when we’re hangin’ with our buddies in some disused hospital office, enjoying some refreshing cans of off-brand energy drink, and maybe on Planet Mark Trail senators getting into physical altercations doesn’t constitute news of any sort. But in general, I don’t call scenes like this “getting into a fight”; I call it “getting your ass handed to you.”

Mary Worth, 2/25/10

Hey, look who’s finally managed to fit an appearance in the strip named after her into her busy schedule! “Dear, I don’t have a lot of time, so let me just utter a single sentence that will destroy everyone’s chances for happiness, in between sips of your mediocre tea.”

Panel from Rex Morgan, M.D., 2/25/10

This panel will be on the front page of June Morgan’s new fetish Web site. “Is there anything you can do well for Mistress June, slave? No, don’t get up! Keep groveling!”

Marmaduke, 2/25/10

Marmaduke knows that babies are the most delicious.