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Archie, 9/16/09

You know that scene towards the end of Stanley Kubrik’s version of the Shining, when everything’s going all crazy and Shelly Duvall is running screaming through the demon-haunted Overlook Hotel, and she suddenly turns and sees two figures in a side room, one in a tuxedo and one wearing some kind of bear suit? Apparently exactly who or what these people/ghosts/things are is discussed in detail in the novel (which I haven’t read), but their weird, jarring, unexplained appearance in the movie was unspeakably creepy to me.

Anyway, I think it’s pretty obvious why I’m bringing this up, which is because HOLY CRAP WHAT IN GOD’S NAME IS THAT GIANT SQUIRREL FURRY DOING LURKING BEHIND ARCHIE IN PANEL ONE? As if its unexplained presence weren’t unsettling enough, we also have to deal with those eyes peering silently out of its neck-hole, and the fact that it appears to be carrying a truncheon of some kind. Does this hell-monster exist only in Archie’s mind, lurking on the periphery of his subconscious? Is he savagely smacking his own skull in the hopes that the shock will drive the nightmarish vision back into the depths from which it came? It’s all so unsettling that I almost didn’t notice Betty’s t-shirt, which appears to depict a fork-tongued devil-cat. Jesus, this strip is terrifying.

Hi and Lois, 9/16/09

I really don’t watch a lot of TV, and I’m always hesitant to say that because I don’t want to be One Of Those People who smugly says, “You know, I don’t watch a lot of TV, which makes me better than you.” Really, I don’t! I mean, my mindless evening entertainment generally consists of reading and correcting Wikipedia articles about obscure European nobility and Star Trek: Deep Space Nine episodes, which I in no way think of as being morally superior to, say, watching According To Jim. I only bring this up because I have no idea what Hi and Lois are on about as they stare numbly at their TV set and talk about “pop-up ads on TV.” What can this even mean? Like, do little ad-bubbles actually appear on screen in mid-show now, obscuring part of the programming you’re watching? When did that start? Why didn’t Americans, well known for their TV-loving ways, rise up in violent revolt against it?

But, casting that aside for the moment, the second panel of today’s Hi and Lois indicates that the Flagstons live in a Matrix-style computer simulacrum, and are probably themselves either poorly programmed AI constructs or Cheeto-encrusted gamers sitting in a dark room somewhere playing the most boring MMORPG imaginable. How their mysterious puppetmasters intend to monetize in-game ads aimed at infant avatars ought to be a troubling question for the venture capitalists providing the funding for this enterprise.

Gil Thorp, 9/16/09

Huzzah for the now annual scene of fiery anarchy that will apparently be heralding the arrival of football season each fall! Remember, it doesn’t matter if your team is terrible if you get to immolate half the town before any games are even played. Then you can blame the losses on the third-degree burns covering the bodies of most of the starters!

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Gil Thorp, 9/15/09

Yes, Gil Thorp’s fall sports action is about to begin, and it looks like the coaching staff (including seldom seen non-Kaz Assistant Coach Beardy McBeardster) has already pretty much written the whole season off, because they’ll still be paid the same win or lose, so why bother? Sure, let’s put known snitch and killjoy Robb Larue in as running back, why not; after all, the offensive plan will mostly consist of the terrified quarterback hurling the ball downfield at random as he runs towards the sideline, shrieking in terror, so he can’t hurt anything. At least Robb will be able to impress some girls with his new starting position — girls who aren’t repulsed by DISLOYALTY, anyway.

When I saw the reference to a pass-happy offense, I assumed that the team would be going with the crazy Wing-T offense they used as a last-game bit of showmanship from the previous season, but it turns out the Wing-T storyline was from two years ago, and it’s actually a running offense, anyway. I’m much more embarrassed about my inability to instantly recall Gil Thorp narrative chronology than by my lack of football smarts.

Funky Winkerbean, 9/15/09

Not that I’ve seen either of these plays, but Broadway musicals generally have enormous casts and elaborate sets, and require musical accompaniment of some sort; they are, literally, huge productions, and would be an enormous pain in the ass for a high school drama department to put on. Pulitzer Award-winning drama, conversely, can generally be put on with minimalist staging, because it’s artier that way. But, you know, go ahead and defend your choices on the grounds of “cancer is awesome, embrace death before it embraces you,” if that’s what does it for you.

Mary Worth, 9/15/09

Oh, well, I guess serial fiancée Adrian Corey decided that she finally felt ready to merge in complete wholeness with Officer Scott after, what, a whole hour and a half of soul searching? Or maybe she just wanted to taunt or possibly blind Mary with the ring, who knows. Anyway, I sure hope she got around to telling Scott that she had decided to accept his rash, ill-thought-out proposal before he headed out for the inevitably botched “Operation H-Town,” because explaining things to his bullet-ridden corpse is going to be awkward and unsatisfying.

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Your comment of the week coming shortly! But first, a bit of news and a request for help! The much anticipated/dreaded redesign of this site is ALREADY UNDERWAY, off in some designer’s lab somewhere. I’ve taken your suggestions to heart — it will be kept simple, and there will be no threaded comments, in keeping with the pretty firm majority view. I’d also like to include some folks as beta testers, to look at a mock-up version of the site once we’re pretty far along in the process, and test things and make sure that they work as they’re supposed to. I am grateful for anyone who wants to help, and am particularly looking for people with older computers or nonstandard setups (dialup, small screens, etc.). This will not involve much work on your part — poking around the test site a bit, posting some test comments, providing some feedback; shouldn’t take more than half an hour or so. The design probably will be ready for testing in mid-to-late September. If you’re interested, please email me at bio@jfruh.com, and please let me know what operating system (e.g., Windows Vista, Windows XP, Mac OS X, Linux) and Web browser (e.g., Internet Explorer, Firefox) you use, and how fast your Internet connection is (e.g., dialup, DSL, cable). We only probably need maybe 20 people or so, so I’ll probably make a note here if I get overwhelmed with responses.

And now … your comment of the week!

“I hope those poachers don’t come after us. And speaking of danger, what happened to that alligator you just freed? Aaaugh, my bottom half!” –BigTed

And your runners-up! Also funny!

“What really creeps me out is that the only reason I can see for Marvin fantasizing about telling his mom not to wear a slutty dress was … that he was in time out for dressing in a slutty dress. And crapping on it, of course.” –rhymes with puck

“Maybe Jeffy aims to be Ziggy when he grows up.” –gnome de blog

“Is … is Jeffy eating his severed hand?” –AeroSquid

“The entire Keane family has been wedged into the scene, save Grandma and Kittycat the cat. Maybe I’ve missed something, and those two characters have died. Or maybe Jeff Keane assumes that in scenes of family tragedy, the cat and Grandma will be where they always are, asleep under the bed.” –Li’l Bunnë FooFoo

“In buying Adrian a ring, Scott has deferred his dream of owning a second suit — one that’s not Irish Setter colored — for a few years.” –Old School Allie Cat

“I’m really hope that the idiotic roller coaster that is Adrian’s love life will continue to come up every other story in Mary Worth. First there was Ted the grifter and unsubtle thought ballooner. Next comes the paternally approved Scott who will get himself in a boring legal mess when it’s discovered that in an attempt to keep up with his early promise to financially take care of Adrian, he stole a pathetically small diamond ring from evidence. Finally she will discover the perfect man from well bred stock who was right in front of her all along: her own brother. Together they will create children with a penchant for bad haircuts, checkerboard suit coats, and an overestimation of their charismatic skills. Sadly, the Corey family tradition of doctors who all work in the same hospital will end, as obviously such children will be an abomination and will have the mental capacity of a spoon.” –Hinako Sensei

“All kids *do* have a chance to enjoy the outdoors, Rusty, because unlike you, most of them have figured out how doorknobs work.” –Pozzo

“JEANS would seem to indicate a specialized boutique, no doubt selling denim abominations for $169 per pair and up. That may best a mall, depending on your standards. The only place at which Cathy and Irving ought to be shopping for apparel, however, is BODY BAGS.” –Fran Ledue Page

“I would like to know who this old dude in Phantom is, and how he escaped from the world of Conan the Barbarian. That’s the only other place in literature (in existence, really) where the concept of hooded, sleeveless robes makes sense.” –Alan’s Addiction

“Man, Morrissey’s really let himself go.” –UnknownEric

“This would either make an excellent three-panel in Blondie or six months’ worth of story in Apt. 3G.” –Dingo

“Even as our country struggles with the question of whether what was previously considered illegal search and seizure, warrantless wiretapping, and even internationally recognized forms of torture can ever be acceptable to defend the country against stateless terrorism, Judge Parker advocates that all of these powers be deployed to prevent celebrities — or wealthy and attractive people generally — from being inconvenienced.” –Master Softheart

“Our plugger friend should have waited to see whether the basic Electronics Store 2009 Catalog would meet his needs before ordering the deluxe, leather bound edition.” –Duke of Earl Grey

“‘When you feel ready, you can wear it! Meanwhile, I’ve fused our hands into a hideous multi-fingered knob!’ Tomorrow: Charley arrives on the scene. ‘I’ll give you a knob for adults! If you know what I mean!'” –Dragon of Life

“If this guy is so patient, why ask her to get married so quick? Was kissing her floating head on a park bench that great? I mean, the other guy got 50 thousand out of her for calling her Queenie — I guess you’re going for a 100 Gs and Dr. Jeff’s green going-out-to-dinner jacket.” –mr 12 oz can

“We seem to have interrupted Wolverine in the middle of his tai chi exercises.” –corinthian

“Oooooh! ‘Operation H-Town’! How exciting! But since this is Santa Royale, I’m sure the ‘H’ stands for ‘hors d’oeuvres’.” –mojo

“I’m surprised that a video of Marvin suffering and crying would only get 50000 hits. I would watch it that many times just by myself.” –Les of the Jungle Patrol

“Mark Trail sure is an expert on what is illegal. That’s just one of the benefits of being a proud graduate of the Commit Felony Assault School of Law.” –NoahSnark

“Dick Tracy: In the last month, a trapeze chick died and Dick talked about it. That’s it. This makes Rex Morgan look like Transformers II.” –MolyBendum

“Look, Sandman, if you’re going to lie around on the beach, secretly ogling the muscled thighs of passer-by, you’re going to have to deal with a little sand in the face. That’s how it works.” –edp

“Are we sure this isn’t Susan’s latest attempt to win Les’ affections? ‘Look, it’s all about death and cancer! You LOVE death and cancer!'” –Mela

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