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Greetings, reader! Here’s something a little different today: a look at how comics artist can best grapple with the tough economic times in which we live. For instance, many comics creators may have become vaguely aware that such a thing as a “stimulus package” exists, and that it exercised much passion and energy in this country before it was passed by Congress several weeks ago. Thus, “stimulus package” is both an important and a potentially funny phrase. How can it be slipped into a cartoon in such a way as to please the audience?

Momma, 3/19/09

The appearance of “stimulus package” in today’s Momma leaves much to be desired. It’s not clear that the author knows exactly what “pork” or “pork item” means in this context. By associating the term with the distasteful Francis Hobbes, we are forced to contemplate many of the word’s meanings in unsettling ways. Would it be possible to somehow use U.S. tax dollars to actually purchase Francis, as a means to benefit some Congressman’s home district? Is Francis protesting — perhaps protesting too much — against claims that he is in fact composed of delicious pig meat? Is he begging the passing dwarves not to “pork” him as they put their money in his cup? The mind boggles.

Shoe, 3/19/09

This is a much better use of the phrase. As you can see, Roz has ordered a “stimulus package,” which is being delivered by courier service. In this case, the “stimulus package” is not an authorization to spend federal money on various projects, but is rather an enormous vibrator.

Ziggy, 3/19/09

Ziggy, as is its wont, takes a more abstract approach. This stimulus package sure sounds expensive! With all this government spending, can America afford luxuries like punchlines, or jokes, or humor of any sort? You can be sure that Ziggy will do its part to conserve these precious national resources until the crisis is safely past.

Thanks for tuning in for our recession primer! Tune in next time, when you’ll find out just how devastated your characters should be by tightened economic circumstances! Learn to distinguish between “sympathetic,” “maudlin,” “mawkish,” “Dickensian,” and “suicidally depressing.”

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Mark Trail, 3/18/09

Thank goodness Mark Trail has given up on its attempts to depict all-too-realistic and depressing human behavior and is going back to its bread and butter: attempting to depict hilarious and completely incomprehensible human behavior. Because the following list of activities is in order of increasing conspicuousness, obviously:

• Two dudes hanging around in a restaurant in broad daylight, drinking coffee and wearing hideously colored shirts.
• Two adults accosting a child they don’t know and offering obscene sums of money buy his camera.
• Two random people appearing in the background of a terribly composed picture, which will be printed automatically from a machine and put into a sad little scrapbook by a neglected orphan who lives in the woods and has no friends.

Luann, 3/18/09

OK, so Luann is clearly never going to give us less of … this, so from here on in, I want more. More, do you hear me? The only way this strip’s never-ending stream of queasy sexuality will become palatable to me is if it just goes completely over the top, turning the whole thing into some ludicrously repulsive French sex farce. I want to see Mrs. DeGroot seducing TJ for information (“TJ, I can’t stop thinking about the other day in the bathroom … but my fantasies would be so much hotter if I knew what you did for a living!”). I want to see Brad accidentally invite Toni to dinner at an S&M club (“Gosh, I thought that meant they served salad and macaroni!”). I want to see Bernice arrange a tryst between her soldier brother and Delta — and then retreat back to her room to watch via the hidden cameras and masturbate furiously. I want to see Gunther at the San Diego FurCon ’09 after-party, grinning bashfully while being serviced by dozens of obedient piggies. I want to see Luann and Elwood … no, wait, never mind, even I have my limits.

Hi and Lois, 3/18/09

Sunday’s neglect-o-thon made the case for a Child Protective Services visit to the Flagston residence, and today that case just got a little bit stronger. As Trixie sits alone in the middle of the floor, surrounded by scattered toys, she notes that her family “disappears” every day, but doesn’t mention anything about anyone coming to her house in their place.

Curtis, 3/18/09

Barry is right to be concerned. Curtis does not have the right attitude to find much financial success as a prostitute.

Ziggy, 3/18/09

Even Ziggy’s computer is repulsed by his sexual advances.

Pluggers, 3/18/09

Sure, they eventually put on the belt, go to their soul-killing jobs, then come home and eat pizza and drink beer in front of the TV until they doze off; but for most pluggers, that moment in the morning when they contemplate suicide is, perversely, the high point of their day.

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Marmaduke, 3/17/09

Hello, Comics Curmudgeon readers! We interrupt your usual “Marmaduke eats people” joke to bring you the following “Marmaduke participates in bestiality” joke:

Marmaduke has somehow managed to displace his male owner from his bed, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.

Thanks for tuning in to this special “Marmaduke participates in bestiality” joke! We now return you to your regularly scheduled program.

Marmaduke has somehow managed to displace his male owner from his bed, probably by eating him.

Beetle Bailey, 3/17/09

I suppose there are some legitimate, military-related reasons as to why a U.S. Army general might stand in front of a line graph and talk about declining numbers of some sort to a bunch of people sitting around a long table, and I could try to think of some, but … look, you and I both know that’s not how it went down over at the Beetle Bailey division of Walker-Browne Amalgamated Humor Enterprises LLC. I think it went more like this:

1. Hey, I thought of a joke that would work well in a boardroom, because of the recession!
2. Hmm, our strip takes place in a military environment. Can we make it work somehow?
3. No. But everyone else gets to make recession jokes. It’s not fair!
4. Hey, I have an idea! Let’s use the joke anyway!
5. [Sound of golf bags being hoisted onto shoulders]

Apartment 3-G, 3/17/09

“At last, [name of A3G girl]’s going to live out her ultimate fantasy — a three-way with two dudes who look exactly alike! Oh, wait, I just described every M-F-M three-way in the Apartment 3-G universe.” –Josh Fruhlinger, December 4, 2008.