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Apartment 3-G, 1/19/09

That painful feeling in your neck is comic whiplash, the result of a sudden return to Apartment 3-G’s native New York, since obviously five days is all that can spared on Lu Ann’s adventures in flyover country. And we’ve gotten back just in time, as Margo’s low-cut-white-jumper-over-black-turtleneck combo is clearly her most hideous outfit yet, so it deserves plenty of strip time. Since Tommie isn’t trying to sneak into the apartment at six a.m. with mussed hair and smeared lipstick, she clearly didn’t get lucky last night (unless you count a doctor waxing maudlin about his failed marriage to be “getting lucky”), but I am sort of curious as to why she’s still in her bathrobe while Margo is all bunned up and ready to face the day. Perhaps she was up late enough watching syndicated episodes of Diagnosis Murder to push her to sleep in a bit, while Margo got coked up and spent the entire night furiously reading Tim Mills’ diary and planning her fantasy wedding, and hasn’t even gone to bed yet.

In panel two, Margo appears to be not so much drinking out of that mug as just kind of holding it in front of her mouth and nose. She may just be hiding the fact that after listening to a single complete sentence out of Tommie, she’s already so bored that she has to bite her lips just to avoid dozing off right there.

Mary Worth, 1/19/09

Did you ever have someone break up for you by tearfully telling you that it’s not you, it’s them, and that they need time to work on their stuff without you and it’s better this way, isn’t it, only to accidentally run into them on the street a week later totally holding hands and snogging with some other dude/chick? Because that’s pretty much what Frank is going to feel like when he tunes in to the All Skating All The Time Channel today and sees Mary in in Lynn’s corner, meddling her to victory.

Spider-Man, 1/19/09

Oh my goodness! Spidey is about to be unmasked by his most dangerous and powerful super-foe … Bat Boy!

Ha ha, just kidding, obviously. Spidey has actually managed to knock himself unconscious by accident, and will be unmasked by a random child as he lies supine in a fetid alleyway in a puddle of his own failure. It is a hideously ugly child, though, which may count for something.

Cleats, 1/19/09

Here it is: as far as I can remember, this is the first Cleats that ever made me laugh. Naturally it involves a traumatized child flopped onto the ice, possibly with a broken leg. I think there may be something wrong with me.

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Slylock Fox, 1/18/09

Slylock has been called upon to solve some pretty petty crimes in his day, but never before have we seen him use his powers of ratiocination to compensate for the utter incompetence of his sidekick. And Sly is all smiles and soothing hand gestures, but perhaps some of the ancillary matter in the bottom row of the comic — a penguin cheerfully toting a wide-eyed and terrified fish off to its doom, and a slavering, fanged bear — represent what’s going on in his mind: a desperate hope that one of the many predator animals in the bucolic scene will devour Max and leave him free to find a slightly less moronic assistant.

Panels from Hi and Lois, 1/18/09

The throwaway panels in today’s Hi and Lois are particularly bizarre, with Hi responding to a pleasantry from his wife with rambling, paranoid nonsense. In the second panel, she is clearly closing her eyes and thinking happy thoughts about Chad, the 23-year-old ski instructor.

Funky Winkerbean, 1/18/09

“Yes, when my dad shows up at practice every day, silently and intently watching me and other nubile young teenage girls work out, it sure makes me want to delay having sex … forever, since I plan to flee to Southeast Asia, join a Buddhist nunnery, and take a vow to never speak to another human being again in order to escape him.”

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Ziggy, 1/17/09

I was about to launch into an ill-conceived tirade about Ziggy shamelessly pandering to America’s still-endemic anti-Italian prejudice with this repulsive caricature; however, I soon realized that this hirsute, mustachioed fellow is probably supposed to be Ziggy’s tormenter, the cruel, sadistic proprietor of the deli he frequents. The thuggish cook has put on a greasy fake wig and ludicrous Super Mario Brothers-style mustache just to show his contempt for the Italian people. (My proposed term for this act of hate is “oliveface.”) Since this racist bastard has been established as a nonsympathetic character, this cartoon is not prejudiced against Italians but is actually cogently commenting on anti-Italian prejudice. My proposed Order of the Sons of Italy-led boycott against Ziggy will have to wait for another day.

Dick Tracy, 1/17/09

So, to summarize: Dick Tracy, who is a prominent law enforcement official, is living right up the street from this explosion-happy professor, knows where he lives, has a wife who has entered into some kind of business arrangement with him, etc. Meanwhile, the CIA is on the trail of the guy, and rather than check with other law enforcement agencies, plans to implement an enormously expensive and completely impractical technical method to find him. In other words, this Dick Tracy storyline is the strip’s most shockingly realistic yet.