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Apartment 3-G, 5/20/08

Things Haley might have said that could have been even dorkier than “Wow. This dope is super — I feel great!”:

• Nothing. There is absolutely nothing anyone could say or do that would make this hard-hitting drug use storyline any squarer than it is right now. Alan and Haley’s dope binge is making Mary Worth’s Tommy the Tweaker storyline (which, I might remind you ended with “Yeah, parents … what are you going to do?” and “UHHHHHHHHHHH” and “I hate drug dealers!” and “Groan!”) look like the unrated director’s cut of Trainspotting.

Can someone who’s an expert in drug paraphernalia and/or fluid dynamics explain to me what the deal is with Alan’s “pipe”? It looks less like something you’d use to smoke dope (of whatever flavor) and more like one of those jumbo straws for drinking bubble tea. Perhaps the syndicate would agree to greenlight this drug-fueled storyline only if nothing in the art remotely resembled anything someone could actually use to ingest illegal narcotics, and all the characters talked like utter dweebs.

Gil Thorp, 5/20/08

Panel three is a good example of why visually-oriented media like the comics don’t build storylines around lawyers very often. “Will the Vargases’ attorney manage to keep Elmer in the U.S. legally? Thrill as he plumbs the depths of Title 8 of the U.S. code! Gasp as he makes a few phone calls to some friends over at U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services! Can his secretary make enough copies of his notes for everyone at his 4:30 meeting? Does he have time to step out for coffee? How many billable hours will he put in today?” Judge Parker, take note.

Archie, 5/20/08

“Also, what Jughead had thought for the past eight years was his ‘dog’ turns out to be a short guy in a fursuit. We’re both pretty freaked out about it, honestly.”

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Before I stumble off to bed, you deserve your COMMENT OF THE WEEK!

“In Sally Forth, Ted is making a gesture in panel three that one almost never makes except when wearing pearls. With a manicure. And decolletage.” –Dingo

And your runners-up!

On why Alan should share his drugs with Lu Ann: “It would mean these two will have something in common, other than being blond, talentless, and stupid.” –Bobdog

“Hilary Hahn : 9 Chickweed Lane :: Jonas Brothers : Heart of the City” –The Spectacular Spider-Brick

“It’s cute that Mark calls it ‘our’ plan. Maybe he genuinely believes that Andy has played a crucial role in the construction of his insane plot. Of course, if things go bad, I’m sure it’ll quickly become ‘Andy’s plan.'” –Eric the Grate

“You might think that an ex-Navy SEAL or a crazed suicide-bombing terrorist would have the edge in this kind of standoff, but you’d be wrong: both are like helpless infants in comparison to the indomitable fury of a cute legal secretary who desperately wants to get laid. And that is the kind of Middle East policy I think we could all get behind.” –Trilobite

“All of this leads me to wonder whether this is just some extra-kinky dominatrix fantasy of Steve’s that just got a little out of hand. Or, given that he’s now got his bound mother witnessing Gloria and Samira in a no-holds-barred cat fight, maybe it’s going just as he planned.” –Cheese-n-Pear

“Poor Alan … he’s so naive about drug culture. Somebody tell him that’s not what ‘scoring a key’ means.” –Mumblix Grumph

“Really, the lame setup and confusing art are all just a prop upon which to rest the punchline: Cow shit! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Get it? I hate life.” –bartcow

“Mark Trail is kinda hot, but I’m not even going there. ZZZZZ. I’d like to say that Andy the dog would be more fun, and not in a bestiality kinda way. I mean that going on a WALK with Andy would probably be more fun than even the wildest time in the sack with Master Trail.” –SFMarcus

“I just knew somehow while reading the latest [FBOFW] storyline that it would all end in tears — mine.” –ralph

“Y’know, it kind of makes sense that the most colorful room I’ve ever seen in Mary Worth is in a funeral home.” –Corkey

“And sometimes it’s totally empty. On days like that, I just pull shit out of my ass. In fact that’s how I wrote that book! It’s easier to write a book than you think, especially when you don’t care about plot, character development, or anything like that.” –Canuckguy

And we must give big, big thanks to all of our beloved contributors who were kind enough to hit the tip jar!

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Mary Worth, 5/19/08

Well, it’s Monday, and with the sad story of the Dead Donna and the Battlin’ Amalfi Boys having reached its natural conclusion, it looks like we’re gearing up for another … wait, what’s this? We’re still at the funeral? Oh, Mary, you wily silver fox, you! I should have known that there were more twists and turns awaiting us in this storyline, since we’re barely a month into it. Will there be fisticuffs at the reading of the will? Will Ron and Richard follow papal precedent and dig up their mother’s corpse, demanding to know who she really loved best? I’m all a-tingle! I should point out that one of the greatest Mary Worth plots in living memory, the tale of Drunken, Co-Dependent Rita Begler, started at a funeral just like this one.

In panel two, it seems that Ron is less thrilled with Mary’s continued presence in his life than I am, as he appears to be preparing a stiff right uppercut for her if she gets any closer.

For Better Or For Worse, 5/19/08

Last week’s tale of how Everybody Wants Liz Because She Is Perfect probably brought the levels of foobishness in your bloodstream to an uncomfortably high level; since this week promises to focus on Mike’s Totally Awesome Writing Career, we may have to brace ourselves for a public health emergency. Braver souls than I who have perused the official For Better Or For Worse Web site tell me that his latest opus was originally supposed to be some crap about a boy in the 1870s who’s mad at his father and joins the crew of a sailboat or something; but since the title appears to be Blood Cargo, I’m assuming that during the writing process it turned into a grisly tale of a boatload of demons, sailing from port to port, dragging the living on board and keeping their mutilated corpses below decks to use as food. Presumably he’s hoping for a quick cash-in by selling to a second-rate J-Horror director looking to make it big in Canada. Reading between the lines, Carleen’s dialog should probably read “I mean, you look like a normal guy — but you come up with all these ideas that make me think that you’re some kind of budding serial killer!”

What exactly is Weed doing in panel two? It looks like he’s somehow suspending an enormous empty picture frame in the middle of his hip loft apartment, possibly as an act of protest against the tyranny of “art.” Whatever it is, it’s as good as excuse as any to avoid talking to Michael and coming up with something nice to say about his terrible, terrible book.

Judge Parker, 5/19/08

“I’m the richest person in the county … I don’t get parking tickets! In fact, I could probably have this highway patrolman fired, or killed!”

Pearls Before Swine, 5/19/08

I have to say that I really love Pig’s facial expression in the third panel. I like the idea that he gets all excited just writing “Surprise!” I suppose the cable company won’t really get the full effect, since they can’t see it.