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Rex Morgan, M.D., 3/30/08

While Rex does his best to wriggle out of any obligation he might have to fight MRSA, June, it goes without saying, knows what has to be done. Specifically, she’s preparing to protect herself and the clinic from the coming Great Plague by insulating herself behind a wall of hand sanitizer and latex. I look forward to the climax of this story, when the hideous Infected, their flesh falling off in great chunks thanks to MRSA’s ravages, are desperately clawing at the gates to June’s hermetically sealed clinic. June herself, having taken on position of God-Priestess and absolute ruler of the Surviving Clean Ones huddling inside, will be on the ramparts, clad in a hazmat suit and wielding a very large shotgun.

Shoe, 3/30/08

The Elderly, Angry Bird-Man With The Big Beak is quickly becoming my favorite Shoe character. (Admittedly, the competition for this title is not particularly intense.) Earlier this week, we saw him berate a child with nonsense in a vaguely threatening matter; today, beer in hand, he snorts derisively at the delicate sensibilities of us young folks, allowing himself to ruminate fondly on his youth, when he perpetrated acts of unspeakable carnage against the Nazis or striking Wobblies or whoever he fought Back In The Day. The throwaway panels prove that he’s still got it: he probably viciously bludgeoned that poor sap to death with the TV because he talked during Matlock or wore his hair too long or something, and Roz and the Perfersser are too terrified of him to say anything about it.

Spider-Man, 3/30/08

As I’ve frequently noted, the Spider-Man comic strip is some kind of elaborate literary experiment in narrative frustration, carefully designed to prevent anyone from drawing any kind of enjoyment from it on any level whatsoever. Its gamesmanship is all the crueler because it occasionally looks like it might become slightly engrossing, only to dash those hopes soon thereafter. For instance, you might be excited because today’s strip seems to imply that all of the major players in this painful storyline, including Spider-Man himself, are about to be killed by electrocution, thus ending the strip forever. But don’t worry: by Tuesday, the drama will have been resolved in the least interesting way imaginable, probably due to someone tripping and falling.

Family Circus, 3/30/08

Ha ha! Today’s Family Circus proves that Jeffy is dumber than a dog — dumber than a dog named Barfy.

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Blondie, 3/29/08

You know, if Blondie is going to make us endure this extremely blah gag, I think we should at least get to see a panicked Dagwood standing ankle-deep in raw sewage. I don’t think that’s too much to ask.

Hagar the Horrible, 3/29/08

Holy … crap! Is this the first time we’ve seen Hagar without his helmet? Please, let it be the last! He’s like a damn muppet under there.

Mary Worth, 3/29/08

“Actually, I don’t understand at all, but if I say I do, maybe you’ll shut the hell up. Seriously, stop talking, for Christ’s sake. And what the hell are you doing on my lap?”

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Momma, 3/28/08

Generally, I’m willing to let slide the fact that Momma’s title character is depicted as being roughly two feet tall; I chalk it up to artistic license, perhaps meant to metaphorically reflect the deep-seated feelings of personal inadequacies that drive her to her awful control-freakish extremes. But it’s harder to think of it that way when one of her normal-sized children, no doubt tired of waiting for her to toddle on her stumpy legs to Danny’s Place, simply picks her up and carries her. On the bright side, she probably weighs less than thirty pounds, so it won’t cost very much to get her good and drunk.

(Actually, Francis apparently just likes carrying inappropriate people to bars.)

Mary Worth, 3/28/08

That’s it? That’s the big flashback? Little Mary was poor, and her friend’s family was nice to her once, and then her mother remarried and all her problems were over? That’s crap. I’m disappointed in the strip, obviously, but I’m really mostly disappointed in myself, for thinking that this could be cool. As ever, I need to ratchet my expectations far downward.

It’s possible that this flashback has just served to set up the real story. Maybe in the present the older Cathy is down and out, and Mary will finally get to repay her parents’ kindness! Maybe she’ll have to journey to the hellscape that is the Downtown Women’s Shelter! Maybe … oh, I’m doing it again, aren’t I?

Shoe, 3/28/08

I have to admit that I laughed unironically at Shoe’s completely absurd punchline today. Kids, this is why you don’t want to strike up conversations with random old people! They’re demented, and many of them are angry!