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Wizard of Id, 7/3/08

This is one of an alarming number of Wizard of Ids that make me laugh due to sheer immature misanthropy, but since I’m the Comics Curmudgeon, after reading it I paused to see if I could figure out how to make it even more immaturely misanthropic. And the answer quickly became pretty obvious: the punchline in panel two should clearly be not “your sister” but “your mom”. Am I right? Is there no room for “your mom” jokes in the funny pages? Some sort of conspiracy of good taste? Would not every strip benefit from a healthy dose of “your mom” jokes?

Mary Worth, 7/3/08

“This reminds me of a similar situation! I have a suggestion … why don’t you convince Mr. Abner’s long-standing girlfriend to go out on a date with another man, and have her picture put in the paper, humiliating him, and then she shouldn’t return any of his phone calls when he tries to work things out? Because that’s what happened to me, and I feel totally 100 percent fine, so I’m sure he’ll feel fine when it happens to him, right? Yeah, I feel pretty great. Doing fine. Yup!”

(Alternate punchline: “I have a suggestion … I’m going to go do your mom. Later!” See, isn’t that a nice change of pace?)

Curtis, 7/3/08

Hmm, “Honeystump,” that sounds kind of suggestive, but what sort of specific thing could it be a reference to? Well, I suppose … no, wait that’s disgusting; or maybe — no no no ew no! But it could be yargh that’s not an image I need in my head so early in the morning. Thanks, Curtis, thanks a lot.

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Wait, what’s this? Why, your favorite Uncle left a parting gift — some comments of the week for me to sift through! Here’s the new COTW, at long last:

“A crime-fighting judge? What a novel and entertaining idea. You might also consider adding a disease-fighting nurse, an illiteracy-fighting middle school teacher and perhaps a fire-fighting fireman, to add to the variety. Throw in a busman who drives buses and you’ll be all set.” — Henning Makholm

And some runners-up!

“The specificity rolls on! For Herb, it must feel liberating, like coming out of the closet. ‘And I have a whole bunch of Captain & Tenille albums! And I eat Grape-Nuts for breakfast! Hee hee! And I drive a Ford! No, not just a Ford… dare I say it?’ ‘Don’t do it, former NBA star and longtime friend with whom I run a restaurant! You don’t know what’ll happen!’ ‘No, I’m gonna say it! A Ford Crown Victoria! And I prefer R.C. over Pepsi or Coke!’ — The Spectacular Spider-Brick

‘‘Is Spider-Man Really the Vulture?’ ???!? Why would someone who IS a secret identity NEED a secret identity?” — Pozzo

“I’m fairly sure Osama bin Laden has wept at some point today. If America’s the devil, then having Peter Parker mention your name must be like the most tediously pathetic version of hell.” — kitty

“Mary: You’ve driven me into the arms of another man, Jeff!
Jeff: How’d I do that?
Mary: By implying that I date other men!
Jeff: Huh?
Mary: Grovel, Jeff! Grovel!” — Hogenmogen

“Unfortunately, in Judge Parker’s book, the judge disappears on page 25, and the next 200 pages feature almost totally unrelated characters doing all of the crime-solving. Someone must have told him to write what he knows.” — Windier E. Megatons

“I love the serendipity of placing the ‘Learn to Draw the Human Figure’ blogad adjacent to Dick Tracy, whose illustrators have never, ever taken any such course.” — Evan

“Kitty is going down a bad path. Next thing you know, she is going to be doing lines of cat nip and having threesomes with Morris and Garfield. Stop her Rufus before it is too late.” — Walt’s Wallet

“If ya wanna date Mary Worth, ya gotta love dead fish.
Somehow I already guessed that.”– mojo

“Suddenly Coach Thorp’s team is trying to qualify for the playoffs, not the playdowns. Did their town move?” — Saluki

“Bonus! More similes for Dick Tracy villains! –
• Easy as chewing milk!
• Easy as shoveling wood!
• Smooth as a baby’s resume!
• Fungible as pie!
• Platitudinous as February 3rd!
• It was just like driving a train to the dentist!
• It was just like putting a rubber band around a lava lite!
• Like sand through the hourglass; these are the days of our lives!” — Muffaroo

“Gosh, was this just the best darndest Mary Worth ever or what? In one fell swoop, Ron goes from potential ‘friend with privileges’ to ‘friend with shriveleges.’ There’s a reason Mary wants you to order the raw oysters, Ron. Actually, a couple reasons.” — gh

Ahh, feels good to have the COTWs back, don’t it? Enjoy!

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Gil Thorp, 7/2/08

Don’t get me wrong, a two-week Sicilian vacation is pretty awesome. There’s nothing like opening up the window in the morning and looking down the hillside to the Mediterranean below, knowing that in a few minutes you’ll be splashing in its delightful blue waters. But then, there’s also nothing like getting up in the morning and seeing the total insanity that is Gil Thorp, so I can’t stay on vacation forever. I suppose that’s supposed to be Bugs McCoy standing on the dock there, but it looks more like some escapee from a nightmarish genetic research lab, its unformed potato-like head glistening facelessly in the morning sun. Then there’s panel two, in which Elmer proves that “average high school arm” is some sort of code for “disproportionally and hideously plump sausage-thing.” Upon deportation Elmer will be trapped in legal limbo at the border, since Mexico will refuse entry to this obviously dangerous mutant.

Marmaduke, 7/2/08

Given that Marmaduke can wear clothes, write English words, order bones over the Internet or possibly by phone, and, um, smoke cigars, I’m not actually convinced that we can rule out smoking in bed. I do admit that it seems more likely that some terrified citizen, tired of Marmaduke’s rule of slobbering canine terror over this hapless suburban community, has attempted to burn him to death while he slept.

Hagar the Horrible, 7/2/08

That’s pretty big talk coming from someone who appears to be wearing a hand-torn burlap sack. To say nothing of those damn potato-feet.

Luann, 7/2/08

dun da dun da DUNNN dun da dun da dun dunn