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Family Circus, 11/19/07

I’m not going to denigrate Billy’s school for letting him on the team based on the quality of his celebratory frolicking. After all, wasn’t the Ickey Shuffle pretty much the high point in the long and non-storied history of the Cincinnati Bengals franchise? The competition for ticket dollars among elementary school football programs is fierce, and so obviously each team will want to find the best showmen to keep the crowds coming back. No, what disturbs me is how dirty Billy is, which frankly doesn’t speak well for the aesthetic judgement of the coaches. I mean, what, did his “touchdown dance” consist of him rolling around in the dirt? Or did (God forbid) he attempt to breakdance? While I don’t doubt that our moronic little towhead might think that such pathetic displays might constitute a good signature celebration, I find it sad that they would earn him a spot on the team. This is why the athletic and drama departments really need to work together more closely.

Gil Thorp, 11/19/07

Speaking of which, Cully seems to have come to Coach Thorp’s office directly from rehearsal for the school production of Dracula. “I’m no killer! I merely drain the blood I need for sustenance from the veins of my victims, transforming them into the living dead.”

Gil’s smug diagonal leaning pose (a common enough Gil Thorp visual trope; see for instance here and here) is all the more hilarious because his little head game is epically misguided and pointless, and certainly nothing to be proud of. “See, Cully, I told you — you’re no killer! You’re a bully who breaks into people’s houses to steal electronics, and you’ll probably be addicted to meth soon if you aren’t already. Now run along! Oh, and please kill Marty Moon. I’m serious.”

Mark Trail, 11/19/07

Ah, if there’s one thing that’s going defuse a violent situation and calm down a dude who’s got a gun out in his boat, it’s condescendingly tousling his hair, then pumping him full of caffeine. That’s just the sort of crowd control techniques you learn at Mountie Academy! Or forest ranger school. Or in basic training, preparing to go fight Fritz with General Pershing’s army. Seriously, who the hell is that guy supposed to be?

Rex Morgan, M.D., 11/19/07

Make it stop, I’m begging you. Hey, remember when June went to the DMV! Ha ha, good times! Please. I … I won’t make fun of you any more. Just let up for a day or two. Please.

Also, fans of TDIET and/or toys will want to check out today’s Shortpacked!

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Panel from Apartment 3-G, 11/18/07

“Well, not Hollywood per se; more like the San Fernando Valley. But close enough, right?”

One of the many joys of reading Apartment 3-G is seeing the art make all the characters squarer than their actions would suggest by about a factor of ten. In what other universe would the dude at the right — with his Brylcreemed hair, dorktastic mustache, and bright blue sweater over a white dress shirt and brown tie — be a heartbreaking, lothario bad boy?

Panels from Curtis, 11/18/07

I’m sure it’s lucrative work, but I’m really glad I’m not Curtis’ court-appointed psychologist.

Panel from Rex Morgan, M.D., 11/18/07

Yes, Niki … exciting … more … to … God, I can’t even type this anymore.

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The thought of Gil Thorp hiring one of his student-athletes to kill someone has left me so reeling that I’m not going to get to Sunday’s comics until tomorrow, but I cannot deny the masses the weekly COMMENT OF THE WEEK!

“Oh, well. As someone once said, ‘Early to bed, early to rise, something, something, Mary Worth.'” –John C. Fremont

Also very funny: Runners-up.

“Well, it’s not like the Funky Winkerbean cast has anything better to do on a Sunday. I’ve never seen them in church, though the only reason any character would attend a service is to ask God to free them from life in that horrendously depressing strip.” –Jim

“My issue with the FOOB hybrid isn’t merely that it sucks. It’s that it’s lazy and it sucks.” –Allie Cat

“Jeffy may have some previously undiagnosed cognitive disabilities. And by ‘may have some,’ I mean ‘definitely has many.’ Jeffy is so frustratingly literal-minded that I can’t even envision him successfully selling lightbulbs door to door. He’d misunderstand the instructions and try to eat the lightbulbs or stick them up his nose or something. When brought to the emergency room, he’d say his grandmother told him to do it. So very sad.” –Joe Blevins

“I really love that whole family of crazy indeterminate ethnics.” –Dr. Mad, on the Malotte clan

“Maybe Gil Thorp would make more sense to me if I knew anything about sports. But probably not?” –Shmork

“Mary’s not checking the bylaws, she knows them. She has to get Board approval for the dog, and she’s checking her sheet of who owes her, cause nobody rides the Mary Advice Train for free.” –INotI

“I like that Mary has a couch large enough to seat eight but a coffee table barely big enough to set your drink down on. I imagine her apartment is full of many slightly surreal touches like that, to disorient her guests so they won’t notice when she lights them on fire.” –Tats

“Is anyone else freaked out by the fact that Gil seems to be making his team practice this new offense inside the locker room? No wonder these guys have trouble on the field. They’re too bruised and sore from skittering around the highly waxed locker room floor. Practice must sound like a pack of wild dogs trying to stand up on wood laminate.” –Terry C

“Okay, so here’s the plan, Persuader. I’m going to destroy the Bugle’s delivery infrastructure, sabotage the presses, scare away all the advertisers, make sure that no one buys that stinkin’ rag … then I want to buy it! …Wait. Hang on, that’s a terrible idea. Who the hell persuaded me that this was a good idea? …Persuader!” –Inspector Dim

“Pluggers is assuming that there are people out in America-land making recipes with ingredients that they cannot buy. ‘I made tahini-polenta enchiladas but I couldn’t find any tahini or polenta at the store, so I used mayonnaise and pancake mix instead.'” –rhymes with puck

“The problem with not getting Mary Worth in my local paper is that I can’t keep track of all the characters. Oh, wait. That’s a good thing.” –Concrete Queen

“Jeremy appreciates the Beatles for perfectly sensible qualities like chord progressions, harmonies, and lyrics. Then Walt barfs up some half-baked pseudo-musicological balderdash that probably wowed ’em back in ’79 when they were passing the bong around. And Jeremy says ‘Exactly!’ No, Jeremy, not ‘exactly.’ Walt’s statement isn’t ‘exactly’ anything. I don’t even think it’s ‘approximately’ anything.” –BlinkAndItsOver

“I suspect this condo board non-episode is a metaphor for what the sex in a relationship with Mary Worth would be like: a tiny bit of tease, no follow-through, and you’re left wondering why the hell the topic even came up in the first place.” –DaveyK

“At least that trout is pink on the outside, as opposed to Rex, the self-hating salmon.” –SecretMargo

“Wait, does that mean that plastic water bottles are not actually edible? Uh oh.” –Nekrotzar

“Sweet yellow coat, Tommie. Is it tweed? Does it match your best petticoat? Is that mustard or jaundice yellow? Purchased at Talbots two decades ago, perhaps? No? The ‘poor didn’t want these’ bin at Fraulein Maria’s abbey? Even Ruby looks upset by that coat and the woman wears giant bows in her hair like she’s a six-year-old in a Christmas pageant.” –kitty

“I really, really want to see Gil’s arrest for encouraging an already troubled youth into going on a murderous crime spree. But first, of course, I want to see that crime spree.” –True Fable

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