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Archie, 3/25/08

Kudos to the AJGLU 3000 for not forcing the narrative in the first panel. The mere sight of the “Help Wanted” sign in Pop’s window is much subtler than what I’d have expected, which would have been Jughead staring at the “Help Wanted” sign while a light bulb (possibly hamburger shaped) went off over his head. Kudos too to our bleeping funny-bot for recognizing that the search for employment isn’t some smooth operation of soulless economic actors, but is rather layered with sarcasm and class-based resentment. Either that, or the AJGLU 3000 really thinks that hamburgers are a valid form of payment.

Crankshaft, 3/25/08

Crankshaft’s daughter and son-in-law are discussing the fact that their son — who is in his late teens or early 20s, and who I’m pretty sure is gainfully employed in some capacity — has decided to move into his own place. Naturally, their bleak, ashen faces in panel two make it look like he’s decided to sign up to be a suicide bomber — naturally, because this is the Funkiverse, where every little seemingly innocent decision has some kind of tragic downside, even if you can’t see it just yet.

Apartment 3-G, 3/25/08

When Margo hears “monastery,” she’s naturally anxious that her man might have done something terrible, like taking a vow of chastity or, worse, poverty. Obedience she could probably live with.

Mary Worth, 3/25/08

As young Mary prepares to fake her way through grace, we learn that her upbringing wasn’t just materially deprived — it was also spiritually empty! I know I should have long given up hope for this flashback sequence, but I admit to being excited to see just what life-changing event Mary is going to experience. Will she begin to speak in tongues, with “tongues” here meaning “bland platitudes”? Or will Cathy’s family’s prayer invoke the Holy Virgin Mary, and young Miss Worth will suddenly be filled with a new sense of her own power, as only she will be intercede for us at the hour of our death?

Dennis the Menace, 3/25/08

Ha ha! Dennis’s “field trip” is going to involve a lead pipe, a burlap sack, and a fast-moving river.

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Sure, it’s the wee hours, but by my estimation, I’m still on time with this week’s COMMENT OF THE WEEK!

“I know I shouldn’t be so picky, but really! Nothing about this ‘flashback’ looks all that flashy … or backy.” –trooper6

And there were many funny runners up!

“Once again, Mel Lazarus reveals his hell-bent determination to prove Freud right on just about everything.” –Zaq

“It occurs to me that [Momma’s] title character’s last name, Hobbs, is quite appropriate, as she is nasty, brutish, and, most of all, short.” –Ken D

“I think one of the 35-year old Lady Mudlarks got loose in New York City and she’s interviewing Lu Ann for Girl Talk. Look her, pivoting all about. Watch out for her hook shot, Lu Ann!” –Maggi

“It’s fortunate that Mary learned at a young age to ‘delight in the insignificant,’ given that the next 150 or so years of her life would comprise nothing but.” –Violet

“As this drags on, I am now on a road trip to insanity and Mary Worth is driving.” –Kilroy

“Dear Eduardo Barreto, Re: 3/19/08 Judge Parker, panel two: Please bear in mind that Sophie does not need to look quite so much like Sam Driver as you have done so here, because (a) Sophie is adopted, (b) Sam is not her natural father, and (c) Sophie is a girl.” –True Fable

“I always thought the bizarre, awkward, flat-yet-gravity-defying ponytail on Vera was Vera-specific. Now I know this artist just has no idea what a ponytail looks like. Does he think they actually look like the TAILS of PONIES?” –kostia

“By the way, what the hell is low-fat ‘girl cereal?’ Product 19? Total? PMS flakes?” –Shermy Glamrocker

“‘A ring — the token that says I’m no longer a person, I’m a possession!’ Next step: mom jeans.” –Tats

“Alan is the best groomed junkie in history. Now he’s going to be the politest, most trusting smack dealer ever. ‘Um, sure, as long as you promise to pay me tomorrow. Pinky swear?'” –Cranky

“It strikes me as weird and wrong to want to smell like one’s rutting parent.” –Spotted HØrse, Jungle Steed

“You can see the panic starting to flare in Margo’s cold, robot eyes: ‘Lu Ann … halt. Please cease hug function. I am not equipped to process human emotions. Halt hugging. Warning! Overloading personality matrix!’ (At this point, just use your imagination to picture the mechanical whirring and smoke that is surely about to start pouring from Margo’s ears.)” –Jilliterate

“Revenge is a dish best served in fluorescent lime green taffeta with cartwheel hats.” –jayjaybear

“Gil Thorp is definitely not the same without the old artist. But this guy has at least retained the totally baffling quality that distinguishes GT from everything else. That third panel: is that a flashback? Is A-Train still on the phone? Who needs to make the call? What’s going on? What strip am I reading? Who am I?” –Mollie

“Did FC forget that it’s a heavily Christian comic, and today is Easter? Why aren’t they in church? I mean, there wasn’t even a filthy-faced child shoving candy into its toothless mouth-hole.” –Loopina

“You know, I’d be as scared as Rex Morgan too, if I were getting telephoned by a vampire. Were we to peek on the other side of that glass door, I’m sure we’d see Andy The Hospital Contact wiping blood from his mouth with a handful of Puffs™ ultra wipes. Good thing Rex can’t tell a staph infection from twin puncture wounds, or else he’d be right out as the patsy for his demonic hospital administration; unemployed, he’d be forced to spend time with his wife and child. I’m sure if you asked the wife and child, they’d prefer it if half the town got drained like bathwater.” –RaJ

And did somebody say “fun pictures”? Faithful reader The Spectacular Spider Brick sent in this pic of him on Jungle Patrol, wearing the spiffy Jungle Patrol shirt he designed. “As you can see, the Jungle Patrol doesn’t just patrol tropical jungles,” he notes.

And I’ve been meaning for about ever to post this picture of faithful reader AMSTERDANG, who was seized by an inexplicable urge to imitate A3G’s Jones the Beatnik, Alan’s buddy/enabler.

And finally, we must give thanks to our advertisers, before I go crawl into bed.

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Gil Thorp, 3/24/08

Hooray, the A-Train and his moppet siblings won’t be whisked off to some Dickensian workhouse by Social Services after all! And it’s all thanks to local drunkard Marty Moon, who shook off his unwavering hatred of Milford athletics to heroically perpetrate fraud against the government agency that protects our children from situations just like this. I hope he didn’t smell too much like tequila and those pine-scented car air fresheners that he uses to try to cover up the tequila smell!

I’m a regular Gil Thorp reader, and I too don’t know why Marty Moon might owe Andrew a favor. It’s possible that I missed it in the strip’s usual frenzied storytelling, but I think the key is in Maureen (or whoever)’s rather precise formulation in panel three: not “He owed Andrew a favor” but “I told him he owed Andrew a favor!” Marty probably assumed that he would once again have to follow up on boasts he made during an alcohol-fueled blackout.

Mark Trail, 3/24/08

So, we already knew that the winner of Woods and Wildlife’s Win A Free Puppy From Mark Trail Wearing A Suit contest was “sick,” but we didn’t know that she was suffering from a broken heart (or, as the DSM-IV refers to it, “296.2x: Major Depressive Disorder, Single Episode”) due to her parents’ divorce. Fortunately, she’ll soon be getting just the cure for that: individual and family counseling under the care of a licensed therapist who specializes in working with children a free puppy! She will frolic and play with him all day, and name him “Zoloft.”

Actually, little Madeline has been lying there like that unmoving for the entire duration Mark’s conversation with her mother; her mom, not a trained medical professional, may have mistaken death for sadness (a common error). That would be something that not even a free puppy could cure, but maybe Mark could leave the puppy with Madeline’s mom to cheer her up a little.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 3/24/08

No matter what the medical crisis or the task force, Rex always volunteers to check out the high school locker rooms first. You can never be too careful!

Slylock Fox, 3/24/08

SCANDAL! Today, we learn that Slylock only maintains his reputation as the greatest detective on the force by reckless use of home-brewed and experimental performance-enhancing drugs. Is this the lesson we want to give our children: that if you want to be the smartest, you’ve got hit the books — and the needle?