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Rex Morgan, M.D., 9/16/07

Well, hello there, radical disconnect between tone and subject matter! How nice of you to drop by today and hang out with Rex Morgan, M.D., for a bit! With Rex sitting there all stoop-shouldered and palms-upraised on May’s shabby couch, he looks less like he’s going to be taking Niki on a fun fishing trip and more like he’s representing the loan shark and is here to finally collect on that long-standing debt, and he’s really sorry, but if May doesn’t have the cash, he’ll be taking one of her thumbs. The final panel is just entirely baffling to me: it’s a damn fishing trip, how disappointing can it get? “May, I’m afraid that after six hours, your son wasn’t able to catch a single fish, so obviously there won’t be any need to repeat this fiasco. And your further services won’t be required down at the clinic either.”

The less said about “This is as much for me as it is for him!” the better, obviously.

Marvin, 9/16/07

I’m mildly befuddled by the first panel in the bottom row here — “I’ve been wanting to try out one of these babies since the day I was born!” Has evolution finally programmed the urge to draw with felt markers — and, perhaps more important, breathe in their sweet, heady fumes — right into the DNA of every member of our species? Are we literally born to vandalize? But that’s nothing compared to my profound disquiet at the throwaway panel at the top right. Well … does he? Does he? Does he what? What does Marvin do? And, more to the point, why is Marvin speaking this question aloud rather than thought-ballooning as is his usual wont? Can you imagine if your toddler, who previously was incapable of speech, came into your living room, standing up straight with his hands clasped behind his back, heavy-lidded with ennui, and said, “Well … do I?” Would your first instinct not be to brain the unnatural creature with a shovel? Maybe that’s just me.

Slylock Fox, 9/16/07

I’m beginning to think that Count Weirdly needs some sort of image consultant or stage manager. I can’t figure out what the solution of this puzzle is, and the text is too small to really read, but I’m assuming the Count and his bald-headed accomplice are communicating with the usual run-of-the-mill vaudeville trickery. Meanwhile, Weirdly’s greatest scientific triumph, a furry, jagged-toothed tentacled creature, possibly an animated towel of some sort, skitters about grinning with no acclaim or notice. That thing ought to be the centerpiece of his act, not his feats of phony phrenology. I do like the fact that Max is clutching his head in terror, convinced that Count Weirdly can read every thought in his puny (and no doubt very filthy) mouse mind.

In the “how many things start with S” cartoon at the top, this family seems way too blasé about the inevitable mold problem that will visit a lifetime of respiratory problems upon them and render their house completely unsalable. Maybe they just get sadistic enjoyment from the man of the house’s incompetence. “Come on, Billy, let’s go downstairs and watch daddy fail again! I’ll make sandwiches!”

Panel from Mary Worth, 9/16/07

Today’s Mary Worth was six panels of snoresville capped off by one panel of delightfulness. Watch out, Drew and Vera! Your horse-drawn happiness is about to be rudely interrupted by Dawn Weston and her tiny, tiny fist of fury! Dawn, since Drew is dumping you because you’re too young, it was a pretty clever idea on your part to show up wearing a collar that makes you look like a twelve-year-old.

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Dick Tracy, 9/15/07

For Dick Tracy, killing the bad guys as quickly and gruesomely as possible is more important than preventing a rain of flaming helicopter wreckage from tumbling down onto unsuspecting Washingtonians.

B.C., 9/15/07

Someone on the B.C. writing staff had an unspeakably disturbing experience in a very strange hotel bathroom.

Hi and Lois, 9/15/07

Someone at the orgy Hi and Lois attended last night had a laughably tiny penis.

Marmaduke, 9/15/07

Marmaduke has tired of his family’s attempts to restrict his behavior, and has decided to blow them up.

Mary Worth, 9/15/07

Next week’s Mary Worth is going to be so, so awesome.

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 9/14/07

Sometimes I get a terrifying moment where I believe I control the comics with my mind and all the nonexistent subtext I go on and on about is actually true, and I had a doozy of one of those when I read today’s Rex Morgan. Sure, it’s the usual “Hey, Rex, let’s screw!” “I think someone’s forgetting our arrangement” routine that we’ve come to know and love, but then everybody’s fun is spoiled by the look of heartbreaking disappointment on June’s face in panel three. Yes, Rex is dashing off, and by taking Nikki with him, it’s check and mate, if you know what I mean; June is once again the lonely point on the triangle. Will the next plotline be about how June needs to strike out on her own to find love, or at least satisfaction? Or will it just be endless pederastic innuendoes about fishing, with that sad, big-eyed face in the last panel floating at the edge of our consciousness for the next six to eight weeks?

Rex’s already feeble desire to have the relations with his wife may have been further dampened by her weirdly elongated neck and oddly shaped head in the first panel. Watch out, Elastic Lass! You need to return your body to its default configuration before interacting with the non-stretchies, or you’ll disturb them!

Gil Thorp, 9/14/07

I knew that high school sports have an essentially religious significance in the God-forsaken burg of Milford, but that didn’t prepare me for the scene of absolute mayhem in the third panel here, which I assume to be a vignette from a football pep rally of some kind. As Gil announces the starters for this year’s team, he seems oblivious to the monstrous geyser of flame erupting from the Earth’s crust just behind him. Presumably, as is the tradition, the student body is celebrating the beginning of football season by gathering in front of the town volcano. They’ve ingested some kind of hallucinogenic root or fungus, so instead of fleeing in terror from the magma, they writhe in a great ecstatic mass, as you can see in the background. Those who are splashed by the ultrahot lava but survive are considered to be marked by the fire gods, and will be permitted to try out for the team next year, which explains why the Mudlarks are all so hideously ugly and/or deformed.

Family Circus, 9/14/07

Wow, Billy really, really cares about music. And about imposing his will on everybody around him. I don’t know what’s more unnerving: the fact that he looks like he’s about to haul off and punch his sister in the face for mishumming some damn Wiggles song, or the fact that Dolly looks sad and scared but also resigned to being punched in the face because, really, she should have learned the melody better before humming it in public.

For Better Or For Worse, 9/14/07

There’s a lot to dislike about this FBOFW. For instance, it’s fairly obviously a new strip, but it’s just as obviously been done in the style of the old strips we’ve been seeing for the past few weeks, which is kind of jarring. I guess the simpler style is supposed to represent “in the past”, but the lettering and the gradients and multiple background characters give it away. It also features that stunning and totally unselfaware Michael Patterson self-regard we’ve all come to know and loathe. But I still kind of like it, because panel four features baby Elizabeth visibly vomiting, and there just isn’t enough puke in the funny pages for my taste.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 9/14/07

There are generally two kinds of reaction shots in the punchline panel of Snuffy Smith. Either one character is visibly laughing, mouth open and tongue wagging, because the simple folk of Hootin’ Holler don’t need anything more than the corny jokes typical of Snuffy Smith to have a good time; or one character looks frowny-faced and wrinkle-browed, because even in Hootin’ Holler, the best kind of punchline involves someone suffering at least a little bit. But rarely do you see the sort of dumbstruck amazement that’s on the face of Snuffy in panel two here. It’s as if he’s thinking, “Jesus Christ, was this Snuffy Smith built around a frickin’ astrology joke? Seriously?”

Dennis the Menace, 9/14/07

Ha ha! It’s funny because Mr. Wilson doesn’t have any friends!

Luann, 9/14/07

Ha ha! It’s funny because Brad doesn’t have any friends!